Readers' Queries

Many readers write to me with questions and comments. This is much appreciated.

Every now and then, I get an email that seeks advice. Now ain’t that something—you put yourself out there as a pervert, and people come to you for advice.

One missive to your oracle of perversion reads:

Jefferson,

I have been reading your blog and I can relate to a lot of it.

I have three kids, and they are the most important thing in my life.

I have a hectic job that occupies a lot of my time.

I married eight years ago and it seems that a whole sexual revolution has occurred since then. Time Square may have cleaned up, but the bedroom got a lot kinkier.

There were no thongs, G-strings, toys, and experiments when I was dating. Just getting vaginal sex on the fifth date was a big rush!!!

My wife is only into vanilla sex.

I have tried to bring toys in the bedroom and she flipped out. I encourage anal play for both of us, and she gets even more upset. Forget about when I tried bringing home a porn movie—I ended up on the couch for a week.

I get my anal fix from Russian massage parlor about once a month.

I know you say you a bisexual, but from your blog it seems that you are heterosexual with some dabbling with men.

I do not find men interesting but I like getting anal stimulation from a hot
chick. I wouldn't even mind a hot chick using a strap on, but I cannot
relate to a man doing it to me. (I guess I am an oxymoron,)

When you and your wife split was it because of the sex or other reasons? (I hate to get personal but I feel that I am close to that point myself.)

I tell my wife that after marriage, she became a prude and I became a sexual deviant.

Outside the bedroom our life is great. And I really mean great. But life inside the bedroom is driving me crazy.

I just wanted to say hi and get your read because it seems that you have
been down the road I am heading down.

Keep on writing I will keep on reading. Thanks for hearing me out.

Horny Hoosier

Brother, I feel your pain.
I can certainly identify with your situation.

I don’t mind that you ask, but I should clarify that my wife and I did not split because of sex; I will cover the reasons for our split in subsequent posts.

In my case, I had enjoyed a good deal of experimental sex prior to marriage. Sex within my marriage was vanilla—and a very rare vanilla at that—but I assumed that such was the life of a married man.

It sounds as though you love your wife, and that your life is generally very fulfilling.

However, you woke up one morning and realized: there is a whole world of sex out there that you missed before marriage, and you can’t find it within your marriage.

You dread that you are doomed to a lifetime without perverted sex!

All is not lost. First of all, commend yourself for your honesty.

Your efforts to introduce new sexual elements —from watching porn together to anal play—suggest that you are opening a dialogue with your wife. That willingness to talk and share your desires makes everything possible.

Too many others in your shoes would be ashamed to even ask. Count yourself among the fortunate.

Unfortunately, she has been less than receptive to your overtures.

On the one hand, you would be wise to respect your wife’s feelings. Perhaps she just don’t like porn, or having a dildo up her ass. That doesn’t make her a prude. It doesn’t mean she is “sex negative,” in that icky parlance of smug sex educators. Maybe she just knows her likes and dislikes.

On the other hand, it can be frustrating if certain options are summarily dismissed. How can she be sure she doesn’t like porn if she hasn’t seen it? How can she know she doesn’t like anal play if ass is a no fly zone? Why won’t she at least try these things that so intrigue the man she loves?

I have walked the straight and narrow as a good husband. And I am a very contented pervert, well on his way to being the easiest lay in Manhattan. So in that spirit, I am going to offer you advice that anyone would consider responsible, and I will offer advice that some will consider irresponsible.

Or as Walt Whitman put it: “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself.”

First the responsible advice: take the Ann Landers route and seek professional help.

You know what interests you, and it is not weird or extreme. You seem more interested in variety than deviance. You are able to communicate your desires. Take advantage of that strength you have by working on it in couples therapy. If your wife won’t participate, go into therapy alone.

Hopefully, your wife will participate, and you will hear what she desires as well. Maybe being lashed to a bed will always seem bizarre. But she may find that it’s hot to have her hands held behind her head, so that she feels restrained. Perhaps she will never strap on a dildo and fuck you silly. But she may learn why you want your prostate stimulated, and feel comfortable doing that.

You have to appreciate that she may not be on the same track as your personal sexual revolution. But this does not mean that you are on divergent journeys as a prude and a deviant, to use your words.

(FYI, a lot of men—straight, bi or gay—are aroused by anal play or penetration to varying degrees. Others less so. It has less to do with sexual orientation than with physiology. If it works for you, count your blessings rather than fret about your sexual identity.)

Long and short: by talking and seeking compromise, you may find more varieties of vanilla with the woman you love. You may find many flavors to keep you sated.

Now, for the irresponsible advice.

Your frustration with sex has led you to massage parlors and sexy websites. I think you are fortunate to have found Dacia, Jane and myself, because while we live the wild sex lives you crave, and write about it as best we can, we are also good decent people.

When Dacia takes on a client, or when Jane offers rock-solid sex tips to teenagers, or I bring another person into my gatherings, we take on responsibilities. It’s just how we are wired. This is not just something we do to get our rocks off. We like to take care of people and we want sex to be good and fun and safe—emotionally and physically safe.

I only hope you have that kind of luck at the massage parlor and other websites.

All of these are safe bets. We will get you off when the wife is asleep, or when you can sneak away during your lunch hour. You are not alone by any stretch: frustrated married men keep us all on our toes, and pay some of our bills.

You are taking advantage of that, and such is the way of the world. I won’t say a word against it. If you can get off on hot websites, enjoy sexy massages or even take on an affair with the confidence that you will never be found out, then godspeed.

But . . .

(and you knew this was coming)

. . . my ears perk up when you write “it seems that you have been down the road I am heading down.”

Yes sir, perhaps I have.

And can I say I would not visit on my worst enemy the sorrows of destroying a family. I am approaching two years of time spent rebuilding the lives of myself and my children. It has been painful, expensive and bloody.

True, I’m having the sex other men dream of. I have resilient children I adore, and great friends who make it all possible. My life is coming back together.

But if my ex had not ended our marriage, my brother, I would still be jerking off in the shower of our home in the ‘burbs, toiling in the fruitless plains of our monogamy.

I contend that any man who follows his dick out of a good marriage has a fool for a guide.

So my main advice: fix the compass of your dick. Find a way to be sexually fulfilled that does not upend the lives of your family.

Don’t settle for frustration. Don’t walk away from all you have built.

You can fix your sex life. You can.