Thursday, June 25, 2009

Her Angel

We were both trying not to stare.

We were finally meeting, our neglected breakfasts between us as we talked. She had been reading my blog for a couple of years; we had been corresponding for nearly that long. Now that we were finally meeting in person, we had an opportunity to match words to voices, nuances to faces. I didn’t want to make too big a deal about her beauty—I’d already been a bit effusive about the photos she had long ago sent to me—and I understood that she was understandably curious about matching me to “Jefferson.” Now and then, our eyes met and our easy conversation would still for a moment. Her expression seemed to ask, is that really you? I was sure mine replied, yours for the asking.

She had apologized for dressing like such a slob, in paint-splattered jeans and an oversized Ivy-league sweatshirt, but the cold snap had taken her by surprise. She had only packed summer clothes. I chided her for not having her hair done, at the very least, wondering if I had ever blogged about the effect that tomboys have forever had on my queer equilibrium.

Her eyes were a blue so clear that my own were like dull silver in bad need of burnishing. She is not peering into my bare soul, I reminded myself. That’s just what people think about eyes like those.

We fell to talking about conceptual art. Sex leaked into our discussion of identity without leading us to become too personal too soon. She asked how I first became interested in art. “As a kid,” I replied, dragging a fork through egg yolk. “I’m afraid I’ve fallen far from my true calling. I was destined to be a comic book artist for Marvel.”

“I don’t know much about superhero comics,” she averred. “Just the old stuff I read in my dad’s library, Marvel from the sixties and seventies.”

I looked up, wondering if my soul was buttoned a little too revealingly. “Like what?”

“Oh, the usual stuff. Fantastic Four, Spiderman, Avengers . . . I sort of lose track after a certain point. Like, I never read the new X-Men or anything.”

I put down my fork. “By ‘new X-Men,’ are you referring to the Chris Claremont days, like the early eighties?”

She nodded. “Totally lose track by then.”

“Yeah, me too. By then I was busier with life than with comics.” I was mindful that she would not yet have begun life when I put aside comic books. “I gather that most of the original characters have since had their powers so revamped that we’d hardly recognize them.” I sipped my coffee. “I guess that was necessary since, let’s face it, some of the original powers were kind of limited.”

“Like Warren Worthington III,” she agreed.

I risked her eyes. “You recall the name of the Angel, just like that?”

“Well, I had a bit of crush on the Angel. The blonde hair, the blue eyes, the naked chest and of course, the wings . . .” She gazed at me again, as if casting me in a new role. “He was so mixed up, though he always had girls chasing him and drove around in roadsters. A poor little rich boy.”

“Wasn’t it true that his role in the team was largely supportive? I seem to remember he generally just lifted the more powerful X-Men into the air so they could attack from above.”

“Well, there’s that, but he also had to hide his power,” she noted. “He always had to wear a harness over his wings and hide them under a suit. It seemed to me that must’ve hurt.”

I raised my coffee cup. “Sensitive reader.”

She grinned. “Yeah, but only to a point. He was also always getting captured and tied up. I really liked that.”

“Ha! That’s right. He had that whole ‘damsel in distress’ thing. He would get captured and the others would have to rescue him.”

“That’s right,” she nodded. She sat forward. “I used to imagine capturing Warren Worthington III and making him my bitch.”

I laughed. “So the truth comes out.”

“Warren Worthington III was my kinky fantasy,” she confessed. She put her hand across the table. I took it. She looked down at our hands and then back to my eyes. “I wanted that blonde angel.”

I held her gaze, gulping slowly. “I see,” I eventually managed.

The waitress interrupted us, offering more coffee. She released my hand and I placed it in my lap. We returned to talking about art and came back to sex, only this time, her Angel was unhindered.

She had an appointment to keep. We paid the bill and retrieved our umbrellas. I offered to walk her to the subway. We talked casually as we walked.

Our first goodbye was also our first kiss. She nibbled on my lower lip. We pushed back our umbrellas, feeling rain drizzle on our faces. I surrendered my mouth to her. “I’m getting wet,” she said, looking up. “In more ways than one.”

“You’ll send me away, walking crooked,” I smiled.

I emailed her later. “Wow.”

“Likewise,” she replied.

She left New York. A few days later, she sent me a cartoon. In place of the breakfast table between us, she now shared her Angel with me.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Everything Butt

Flower Tucci

Bend over and spread the news: Everything Butt is now live. Enjoy; tell 'em Jefferson sent you.

Laughing With

Regina Spektor

Bring back God if you wish, Regina Spektor, but please, let Magritte rest in peace.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Say Hey

Michael Franti and Spearhead

Seems like everywhere I go, the more I see, the less I know.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


She had a tendency to squirm.

She asked me to spank her, so loosened my grip on her forearms and pulled out of her body. I sat back on my heels and touched her hip. “Turn over, girl.”

She pulled herself up on her elbows sluggishly, looking at me askance. She blew hair from her face. “This is going to hurt, isn’t it?”

I wiped sweat from my brow. “More than likely. It’s a spanking.”

“You’re mean.” Her face twisted into a petulant scowl. “I hate you.”

“That’s enough of that,” I admonished. “Over you go.”

She kept her eyes on me as she twisted her hips. As her torso followed, she buried her face between her hands. She lowered her shoulders. “I hate you,” she repeated into a pillow.

I didn’t reply. My hands lightly caressed her shoulders, her shoulder blades, her ribs, her spine, the base of her back. I sat back as my hands enveloped her ass, so rounded for one so thin. I traced a finger between her buttocks, then used my palms to separate them. I leaned forward to gently kiss and lick her pink hole. She groaned slightly, lifting her hips to my mouth. “My good girl,” I murmured into her body. My finger traced a line along her thigh to arrive at the wetness I had only just departed.

My palm landed firm. Her body jumped and tensed. I waited as her breath slowed and her muscles relaxed. “Good, good,” I mouthed, so quietly even I didn’t quite hear my voice. The first blow was a signal of those to come. I began to spank more properly with light, quick landings on her lower buttocks, slowly but persistently calling blood to flesh. I watched as each slap pinked her skin, so pale that even this light spanking left the impression of my closed fingertips.

I surveyed her body. I rested my left hand on her slightly tensed shoulders. “Easy, easy,” I whispered. “Relax your shoulders, relax your body. Remember to breathe. Just relax to the sensation down here.” Her lower ass was warm to my touch. She nodded into the pillow, letting me know she understood. “Good, good,” I repeated. Another firm blow landed. She tensed involuntarily and drew a deep breath. Her body went limp. “So good.” I pushed back the wet hair at my temples. Now I could let loose.

Blows landed in quick succession before letting up, returning to light slaps. I paused, allowing the sting to travel her body. A loud pop resonated. I could hear her breathing quicken. Lightly, lightly I drummed on her body, for long moments, before building, building to another loud pop. She drew breath, waiting for the next gradual build up that this spanking had taught her to predict. I smiled, rested a comforting hand between her shoulders. Another sharp slap, followed by two on her other buttock.

“No, no!” She squirmed only to find she was pinned by the hand that had seemed to offer reassurance. She freed an arm and hurried a hand to cover her vulnerable ass. “No, please, please. I wasn’t expecting that . . . it hurt . . .”

“Spankings may hurt,” I agreed sympathetically. “But you could be injured if you aren’t careful.” I lifted her hand from harm’s way, gently tucking it back under her head. “No sudden moves, girl. I don’t want to accidentally harm you.” She nodded her understanding. She behaved appropriately as more spankings rained on her.

After, she rested in the crook of my arm, her body curled so that her arms were tucked under her chin. “I don’t know how you can be so mean to me when I am only nice to you,” she complained. “It’s not fair. One day I should do mean things to you and see how you like it.”

“I don’t think I would like that at all,” I tsked. “That sounds simply dreadful. I like that you are good and kind.” I ran a finger along her jaw. She turned to snap her teeth at my hand. I pulled back, surprised.

“I am not nice,” she insisted. “You just get to be the mean one because you know how to do things. If I knew how to do things, I would be very mean to you. You are mean to me so I should get to be mean to you. That’s only fair.”

I chucked her chin. “You’re cute when you think things should be fair.”

She brushed aside my hand and frowned. “Asshole. You know it isn’t fair.”

“Well then, tell me what you would do, if only you knew how.” I moved slightly to better see her face. “What do you have in mind?”

She pulled back her hair, trying to pack away her prettiness so that she would be taken seriously. “I know what I would do. I think about it all the time. I would get me a big piece of rope—really, really long—and I would tie you up in a sad little bundle. Then I would put things in your butt and listen to you cry.” She punched my ribs. “Like the way you do me, only meaner. Because really, deep down, I’m meaner than you.”

I took her fist in my hand and kissed it. “Little sister, there ain’t enough bourbon in Kentucky for me to let you do that.”

“You wouldn’t let me.” She flicked my chest. “I would do what I wanted. But you think you have all the advantages just because you know how to do things I don’t know how to do.” Watching as I nonchalantly placed my hand between her and my nipple, she recalled her growing awareness of my Achille’s heels. “I just realized something, Daddy,” she smiled, resting her hand on my thigh. “We haven’t done anything with rope. Nothing at all. Don’t you want to show your little girl how to tie people up?”

I laughed. “You’re cute when you’re transparent. If I teach you about knots, how long before I wake up hogtied?”

“I don’t know how long it would take.” She looked at my bedside clock. “Would you like a bourbon, Daddy?”

I laughed again and pushed her down. I kissed and fucked her for being so clever. But soon enough, she had her way and I was unpacking rope. “Come here, girl,” I said. I rubbed a strand of rope against her bruised and tender breasts. “Now, this is nylon. See how soft and nice it feels?”

She nodded. “I like the color, too.”

“Yeah, this is all very pretty. It looks good on flesh; heck, see how nice it looks on the floor. All of this, I got from Venus Ropes. Now, feel this hemp.” I rubbed another strand against her other sore breast. “See how much rougher it feels?” She nodded. “Can you guess which one I’m going to use on you?”

She shifted her weight to one hip. “You’re the meanest person ever.”

I nodded. “You keep believing that, sugar.” I tossed a loop over her head. “I’ve got nothing on the cruel bastards in this town, but until you know better, I suppose I’m a badass.” I tied a loop between her breasts and fielded her questions as I worked rope into designs down and around her body. In short order, her long torso was entirely enveloped in an intricate web. “I think that turned out rather nicely,” I allowed. “Go look in the mirror and tell me what you think.”

I watched as she turned before a full-length mirror. “What did you do to my ass?” she asked, looking over a shoulder. “It looks so much higher.”

“You think?”

“I do.” She turned, cupping her small breasts in her hands. “And why are my tits so pointy?” She squinted at the mirror. “Wait, are they turning purple?”

I took a breast in hand and squeezed. “Are they? Gee, that’s odd. I hope the knot between your legs isn’t too tight . . . no, I can feel there’s a little space left there . . . see? I can easily slip my fingers into you.”

She grasped my shoulders as I lifted into her. “You totally suck,” she moaned, slapping my shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, grasping her arms behind her back. “I didn’t mean to leave you so vulnerable.” I pushed her back on the bed.

After she came, I sat back. “See? It’s really nice how I can grab this rope to move you to where I want you to be.” I lifted her torso again, tossing her across the bed, twisting so that my cock didn’t leave her pussy. “You’re like a life-sized rag doll.” I tossed her again on the axis of my body. “How fun is that?”

“You are such an asshole,” she complained. “I thought you were going to show me how to tie you up.”

“Tie me up?” I cocked my head. “Oh, right; I remember something about that. Well, this mess, this has nothing to do with restraint. This is just bondage, like macramé for your body. See? Your arms and legs are totally free. That would never work with me. I’d just get away.”

“Then you should show me how to restrain you.” She squirmed away, pulling herself from my cock. “Come on, this isn’t fair.”

“Right.” I nodded. “You want fairness. Okay, come on, I’ll show you some restraints.”

“Thank you.” She stood and slapped my shoulder. “Asshole. Come on, seriously, I want to tie you up.”

“Right behind you.” I followed her to the rope carefully aligned in the next room. I asked her to stand still as I unraveled the hemp on her body. “Did you notice how few knots I used?” I asked. “This design is just tension. You could do this pretty quickly with practice, no special skill required.”

“No, I did not notice.” Her eyes glared. “Because you didn’t teach me. You just did this to me. I don’t know how to do it to you.”

“Oh, didn’t I explain that?” I loosened her breasts, pinching the lines between purple and pale flesh. “Sorry. We’ll do better with restraints. It’s really very simple to learn the basics. I’ll show you one column and two column ties.”

“One and two what?” She turned her neck as I lifted the last of the rope from her body. I rubbed the rough outlines of hemp in her bare skin, assuring her they would fade in no time.

I tossed aside the length of hemp and retrieved two shorter pieces of nylon. “Now, any single post you want to tie with rope can be considered a ‘column,” I began. “A column can be a fencepost, a dock, a bedpost, an arm or a leg.” I took her wrist in my hand. “See how I folded this rope over evenly? Now I’m going to wrap the rope around your wrist three times, keeping it loose enough to slip a couple of fingers between the column and the rope . . . see? That way, you won’t restrict blood flow. Less of a problem with intimate objects . . .” She watched closely as I went on, tying a square knot to secure the restraint in place. I lifted her arm over her head to show how it was now subject to whatever I wanted to do with it. I repeated the lesson for a two-column tie, once more lifting her arms over her head. I tugged and she stood to follow. “Nice,” I nodded. “See, I could haul you right back to bed . . .”

“No, you don’t.” She pulled back on the rope. “Now I get to do you. Get me out of this rope so I can tie you up.”

“Oh, that’s right. Fairness. Here, it’s easy to untie this.” I untied the knot, unraveled the rope and handed it to her. “So now, you restrain me.” I held out my arm. She doubled the rope and carefully wrapped my wrist three times, just as I had wrapped hers. I watched as she executed a fine square knot. My arm was completely in her command. She tugged. My arm followed. “Nice work, little sister,” I commended. “I swear, you’ll surpass all I know in no time.”

She smiled. “Yeah, you are totally my bitch now.” She tried to pull me from the couch, but I resisted, pulling her back.

“Not so fast, cowgirl. Let’s try the double column.” I began to untie my wrist, musing aloud. “You know, this tie is great when you want to have someone spread-eagle; you know, tie each wrist and ankle just so and secure the ends to bedposts, and that person isn’t going anywhere. I used to do that more, but maybe I’m getting lazy now that I have under-the-bed restraints.”

She leaned forward. “Wait, what? You have under-the-bed restraints? How have I known you so long and not known that?” She turned to look at the bedroom door.

“Well, I suppose you don’t know because they are very discreet.” I removed the rope from my wrist and rubbed my forearm. “They are tucked away between the mattress and box spring, just waiting until they are needed. I have to tell you, they are very handy if you decide in the heat of the moment that you want someone restrained. Used to be, I’d have to stop what I was doing, pull out some rope and move around the bed tying knots. That interruption could kill a moment. Not to mention, it could allow your partner to resist or even escape. With these, I just reach under the mattress, slap on the cuffs and continue doing whatever I was doing.”

She kicked my calf. “You mean to tell me all this time I could’ve restrained you while you were asleep and you couldn’t have stopped me?”

I grabbed her foot. “Why do I think I’m going to regret telling you this? Now, let me get a longer rope and show you the double column tie . . .”

“No, fuck that.” She pulled her leg from my hand and stood. “Come on, I want to see these under-the-bed restraints.”

“Come on, then.” I grabbed a breast and pulled. “Let’s go take a look.” She followed, her breast in my grip. I released her in the bedroom and bent to lift the mattress. “See? There’s a cuff at each corner, all connected by straps to that central strap. The straps are all nylon, but look here.” I handed her a cuff. “The cuffs are secured by Velcro, so you can easily close them with one hand. That’s useful, because you can use your other hand to hold someone down, or use a toy, or whatever, so you don’t need to stop what you’re doing to attach a restraint. Plus, look: there are metal clips so you can remove the cuffs from the straps. That allows your partner to be moved or attached to some other device. Like, say you decided you wanted her upright. You could take this all over to a closet door, rig it up the same way—using the door as I’m using the mattress—and there you go.”

She studied the cuff in her hand. “Say, why don’t you lay on the bed?”

I lowered the mattress. “Tell you what, why don’t you lay on the bed? It’s better that you see how it feels to try something before you do it to someone else.”

“I guess that’s fair,” she agreed. “How do you want me—on my back or on my front?”

I leaned forward to kiss her collarbone, resting a hand on her protruding hip. “Better get on your belly,” I said, brushing my hand across her flat abdomen. “If I have you on your back, I’ll just want to fuck you some more.”

She scoffed. “Seems like anyway I move, that thing winds up in me.” She turned to crawl onto the bed. I noticed small purple bruises already taking form on her ass. My cock jumped.

She sprawled on the bed with her arms outstretched. “Like this?”

“Like that,” I nodded, “But with your legs spread further apart.” I took a leg and moved it to the corner of the bed. She extended her other leg to the opposite corner; she was very nearly tall enough to reach all corners. I reached under the mattress to retrieve a cuff. “Now, these straps are adjustable,” I said, quickly securing her. “So if the next person to find herself in this situation happens to be shorter than a bean pole, I can fix the length.”

“I may have to do that when I put you up here,” she teased.

“You very may well,” I replied, securing her other ankle. I ran a hand up her leg, enjoying the view of her splayed body. I crawled onto the bed, lowering my body onto hers. My cock pressed between her buttocks. “Now, let’s say I was fucking your ass . . .”

She squirmed. “No, you are not fucking my ass again. You are just showing me how to use these things.”

I moved hair from her upturned ear. “I didn’t say I was fucking your ass,” I whispered. “I said ‘let’s say I was fucking your ass.’ Now, if I was fucking your ass, I could hold your arm in one hand . . .” I grabbed a wrist. “With the other, I could reach for the cuff.” I leaned forward to pull a strap from its hiding place. With two fingers and a thumb, I worked the Velcro into place. “See? All done. Now to finish the job.” She tugged against the cuff as I secured her other wrist. “See how easy that was?” I nibbled her ear lobe. “And now you are in no position to resist me.” My mouth moved to the back of her neck. I felt a muscle move under my lips.

“Oh yeah?” She laughed, waving her freed right arm. “Look at this. Look how easily I could get away.” Her body squirmed under mine.

“Not bad, Houdini.” I reached for the discarded cuff with one hand, grabbing her arm with the other. “Now, it’s true: Velcro attachments aren’t as binding as rope. If you were truly my prisoner, I’d want something more reliable. But if I attach this more firmly . . . okay, now try it.” She tugged her arm. The restraint didn’t give. “Now you’re trapped, aren’t you?”

“I guess I am.”

I sat up and adjusted the remaining cuffs. “Yes, I suppose I’d say you are.” I lowered myself to her again, returning my mouth to her back. My tongue traced around her shoulder blades. She quivered as my tongue reached the base of her left blade. “Nice, thank you,” I whispered. I bit slowly, pressing for the muscle that had caused that reflex. She flinched. I bit harder. I could feel her body squirm, but now, her hands were unable to swat me away. Now, there was less potential of harming herself. I dug in.

I moved to the other shoulder blade, searching for the reflexive twin. It soon made itself apparent. I marked the second spot, like the first, with my teeth.

I chewed my way across the soft flesh at the curve of her upper back, just under her shoulder blades, enjoying this expanse, unusual on her body, where flesh and muscle were not so tightly joined. She moaned and squirmed as I made my way back and forth, sometimes soothing her with my hand at the base of her neck, other times grabbing fists full of ass and hips.

Biting with my incisors, I could feel my molars grind in expectation that torn flesh would soon be on its way. I calmed their frustrations by gnawing as if chewing gum.

I sat back on her thighs, drugged from her taste. I became lost in thought, absent-mindedly circling her body with my thumb. She looked at me over her shoulder. “What are you thinking about?” she asked.

“Not a thing,” I lied. I leaned forward and opened the drawer holding condoms and lube. “Okay, ready or not, we’re fucking.”

Hours later, she slipped a bookmark into Middlesex and dropped the book to the floor. “I’m going to sleep,” she yawned, sliding her body down under a quilt. “I don’t know why I’m so sore.”

I watched over my book as she turned on her side. I ran a finger along the bruises taking shape across on her back. The next day, she would realize that these marks completed the circle begun with her breasts, a circle I had previously outlined with hemp. My souvenir for her; the next day, she would be leaving for home. For days following, she wouldn’t be able to wear a bra without thinking of me.

“I’m so tired,” she mumbled. “Can you turn off my light?” I rested my book on the quilt and leaned over to pull a lamp’s cord. I kissed her hair. “I just realized,” she said. “I was supposed to put you in restraints, but we never did that.” She curled her body around a pillow. “So unfair. I hate you.”

I returned to my pillows. “Tomorrow’s another day, little sister.” I reached for my book. “Night.”

Under-the-bed restraints are discreet, adjustable and require no special skill to use. They are a handy addition to any pervert’s arsenal and just as much fun for neophytes curious to try something a bit restrictive.

Under-the-Bed Restraints

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Apartment Story

The National

Stay inside our rosy-minded fuzz for days.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Old Roads

Allan twirled his beer. He watched as the bottom of the bottle followed the ring of its own sweat on the concrete tabletop. His hand had internalized the sequence—wrist back, forefinger lunge, third finger twist, thumb tug, repeat, repeat—so that the bottle would adhere to its course without his further attention. It wouldn’t err as his mind focused on our conversation.

We were just shooting the shit, as we always had. Unlike most times before, however, this shit-shooting had taken coordination, planning and some costs. We had to shed our lives to come here, to a place we could only go together. It cost him four hours of driving and a tank of gas. It cost me excuses to my parents, apologies that I was missing one night of a vacation back home, and a bedtime assurance to my boys that I would come home after they were asleep to kiss them good night once more. Added to this was, thus far, the shared cost of six beers between us. But we paid the toll, glad for the fare.

I looked up at the clear night sky. Allan grinned, watching his bottle twirl.

“What?” I asked, catching his smile with my own.

“This.” He removed his bottle from its orbit and took a pull with his lips. “This, being with you. Man, it’s like I just saw you yesterday. Have we even been in the same place since my wedding?”

“Nope.” I sucked down warm beer. “No, and really, we barely spoke then. You kind of had other priorities, as I recall.”

“Yeah, I guess I did,” he nodded. “What with the ‘getting married’ thing and all.”

“That was a really nice event,” I nodded in turn. I took another drink. “Right nice.”

“Shit, yeah, well, you set the bar high.” He raised his bottle. I raised mine to clink the reference. He drained the last of his beer.

“Cheers,” I nodded, killing my own. “Fuck, wasn’t that some party?”

He laughed, covering his nose to avoid losing good beer. “Your wedding? Shit, yeah,” he finally managed. “I’m sorry, but I was so fucked up by the end of that thing.”

“We all were,” I laughed. “My poor dad. Did I tell you this? Okay, so Dad, he doesn’t drink. He stopped when we were kids. His folks were drunks and so on, but get this. So, he has a few too many beers at my wedding. He finds me dancing with David and some of the gay boys. He comes over, rolls up his pants and asks the queers to check out his legs.”

Allan fell back on his bench, laughing silently. When his laughter entered hearing range, it was well deep and barrel rich. My toes curled in my shoes. “Oh, fuck.” He gathered his breath. “Oh fuck, that’s so good. Your dad . . .” he began to laugh again.

“No, wait,” I grabbed his arm. “It gets better. So Dad, you know, he can’t drink. And he’s dancing with the gay boys . . .” We both break up. “No, no, wait.” We caught our breath. I begin to sing, reaching for an Elton John falsetto. I banged my fingers on the table. “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy and the ga-aa-aa-ays.” I break up in his laughter. I watched him wipe tears from his eyes. “No, but come on, really,” I said. “Serious story here.” We each took a breath and settled down. “Are you ready?”

Allan pushed out one last laugh, deep in his belly. He drew a breath and exhaled. “Okay, no, wait.” He reached for his empty bottle, stared at it for a moment, and sat it back. “Okay, all right.” He folded his hands in his lap. He shook the curls from his forehead.” “All right. I’m ready.” He laughed again. I looked at him askance, as if impatient to finish my story. “No, no,” he laughed. He caught his breath again, “Okay,” he smirked. “Ready.”

“Okay.” I coughed, composing myself. “So, Dad asks the gay boys to check out his legs. Everyone agrees my dad has very nice legs, which he does. So then Dad pulls me over, bends down, and rolls up my pant’s leg.”

“Oh, shit,” Allan laughed.

“Right? It’s my wedding; I’m in my suit. He’s on his knees in the grass, rolling up my pants. His bare knees!” I laughed again. “So he turns to the boys and says, ‘And what do you think of the legs of my wonderful, wonderful son?’ And the boys are all laughing and agree that my legs are nice, too.”

Allan knocked on the table, his face contorted.

“No, wait for it, wait, wait. So my friend David says, ‘The only thing that could improve his legs is if they were wrapped around my neck.’”

We fell out. He banged the table and slapped my back. His laughter infected my own, sending it soaring.

“Oh shit, man,” he finally said, coming down. “Oh shit. He said that to your dad?”

I nodded. “He said that to my dad. About his son. At his son’s wedding. Luckily, I think it went over his head.”

“Lord. I hope so.” Allan shook his head. “God damn, that’s too good. Now, wait, who’s David?”

My fingernails picked at a bottle’s edge. “Hmm? Oh, David? You met him at the wedding—tall, good looking guy.”

“Oh, I was wondering if you two guys ever . . . you know.”

I looked up from the bottle and caught his eye. “Had sex? Well, shit yeah we did.” Allan laughed again. “Before we were married, of course. Baby, I had been naked with pretty much everyone at my wedding who didn’t share a last name with me or my bride. Of course, who’s to talk? You had fucked every girl there except the one I married.”

“You are too fucking funny, man.”

“Just talking ‘bout Shaft.” I reached for his bottle and stood. “And you look too fucking thirsty. Here, I’ll get this round.”

“No, sit down,” Allan took my arm. “There’s no bar here, they come to you.” He waved for the waiter.

The waiter nodded and made his way to us. “Yes? Oh hello, Allan. And my goodness, look who you’re with! How long as it been, guy?”

I smiled, not recognizing him. “Much too long,” I said warmly. “Much too long. How’ve you been?”

“Me, I’m good.” He looked at his feet, shuffling slightly. “I’ve got a new studio down near Daniel’s old place, and I’m doing some large-scale altar paintings, kind of thinking about Rothko, though, you know, more rooted in Byzantine iconography. And you? How’ve you been? How’s New York? I thought of you when the towers collapsed.”

“New York is fine,” I said. “You know, recovering. It’s been a tough year. Your paintings sound interesting in that context.”

“I’m pleased with them. You should come out to see them, if you have time. I’d really benefit from your critique.”

“Well, I’d like that,” I said. “If we can make the time.”

“He’s only here for a few days, visiting family,” Allan interjected, rescuing me. “They’re not even in town. Y’all are down on the lake, right?”

“That’s right. Tonight’s the anomaly.” I turned back to the waiter. “Maybe you could send me slides some time?”

“That would be great,” the waiter nodded. “I’ll get some paper to get your address.”

“Could you also being us two more Coronas?” Allan raised the empty bottles.

“Sure, sure.” The waiter took the empties. “Say, and why are you in town? Is your band playing?”

“Nah, I’m just here to sit for a while with my best friend in the world.” Allan patted my back in a gesture that communicated that this was a private party.

“Well, let me get your beers. And be sure I know when you’re playing, Allan. Your CD was great, just really great. Like Eddie Vedder meets Keith Richards.” The waiter grinned. Allan smiled blankly. “Well, okay, let me get your beers.”

We watched him amble past a large fern.

I leaned close to Allan. “Okay, now what’s his name?”

“Tommy. You remember him from seeing bands here.”

“Right. Tommy the Dweeb. He smoked clove cigarettes. Always did try too hard.”

Allan scowled. “I fucking hate being compared to Eddie Vedder.”

I patted his hand. “You do sound like Eddie Vedder. But you are much prettier.”

He took his hand and slapped my arm. “Fuck you, man. You know I sang the way I do before there was a damn Pearl Jam.”

“You could be bigger than Pearl Jam,” I went on. “You’ve got the voice and the face to go with it. You could front the boy band of grunge. You know, the version that’s safe for eighth-grade girls.”

“Fuck you, man,” he laughed.

Tommy the Dweeb returned with the beers. I wrote my address on the back of a paper coaster and shook his hand. Tommy refused my money, saying the beers were on him. We squeezed limes into our bottlenecks and toasted the waiter. We drank for a time, resting in our memories.

Allan twirled his beer, watching the bottle draw a new sweat ring. “I learned to sing in your car, man,” he said quietly.

I put a hand on the small of his back. “I remember.”

We talked about life, catching up on the gaps that eluded our infrequent long distance phone calls. I told him things were fine with Lucy and the new house. Lucy was there with our baby girl, actually, relieved that she had an excuse to avoid a visit with my family. The boys were still transitioning from city to suburbs, getting used to the idea that they could go outside without special permission.

He told me that he and his wife were having a rough patch. She really wanted a baby, and after years of trying, they had been to a doctor and learned that Allan was impotent. They were considering options, all of which were more complicated than they had hoped. Taking the next steps for in vitro fertilization or adoption had them questioning their commitment to one another; if they were going to redouble their efforts at becoming parents, they each needed to be sure the other was fully on board. At the moment, they were stuck at this crossroads—should they move forward together, or part company as friends?

We ordered another round and talked until eleven or so. Allan had driven over after work that day, and now had to drive two hours back home so he could get some sleep before heading to his shop by eight. I climbed in his truck and he drove me out to my parents. We sang along to George Jones.

The outside light flickered on automatically as he parked in the driveway. He got out of the truck to hug me goodbye.

“You sure you don’t want to crash here?” I asked. “I know we can get you up early. My grandmother wakes up at dawn.”

“Nah, I need to get home. It’s too late to call Alice, and I’d rather drive at night when there’s no traffic. Come here, let me get going.”

He took me into his arms. He pulled me close, squeezing my waist. “It’s been too long, man. Let’s not wait so long.”

I put my hands on his face and pulled back to look at him. His smile was so wide in his baby-faced cheeks. He still looked as he did at fifteen, but for the laugh lines around his eyes. I kissed him. He kissed me back, a warm peck, but I persisted. I caressed his lips with my tongue. He closed his mouth, surprised, but then parted his lips. His tongue met mine. I moaned softly, running my fingers through his hair.

After a while, he pulled back and grinned. “Well damn, I didn’t see that coming.” I was pleased to have taken him unaware. He put a hand on my shoulders. “Nobody else has done that. I love you, man.”

“I love you, too, Allan.” He patted my shoulder and turned to his truck. “Drive safe. Turn up the music. Stop if you need to.”

“I will, and you say hey to your folks for me.” He gave a wave as he drove off.

It was the last time I saw Allan. A few months later, his wife found him on the couch. He had died of an undiagnosed heart condition. We were all stunned to hear the news. Allan was vivacious and strong. It was inconceivable that he would simply pass.

“You have to go down there,” Lucy said when I told her the news. “Are you okay? God, he was like your brother.”

“Yeah, well, I’m shocked,” I told her. She hugged me. “He was only thirty-six, so young.” I thought of his mother and sobbed. Lucy cried with me.

My parents offered to meet me at the airport. I had a carry-on bag and my suit. I would be back home only for a few days, long enough to attend the funeral and check in with our friends. I wondered if it would be appropriate for me to kiss Allan one last time in his casket.

“Poor baby,” Mom cried, hugging me. “I just think of Allan’s mother. I don’t know what I would do if I lost one of mine. And he was her only baby.”

“Hi, Mom,” I mumbled, my cheek crushed by her neck. “Yes, it’s really sad.”

Dad wrapped his arms around us. “He was lucky to have you as a friend.”

“Yeah, we were both lucky,” I said, swallowing.

Dad drove us to the house as Mom filled me in on what had transpired with my nieces and nephews since my last visit a few months before. Essentially, nothing much had happened, but my mother had a gift for weaving elaborate narratives from rather banal threads. I wasn’t really listening, but I preferred the sound of her drawl to the chatter of talk radio. I stared out the window, watching the landscape whir along the new Interstate.

When we got home, I called Nora. She cried when she heard my voice. I told her I needed to see her, to be with someone else who understood. She gave me directions to her house and told me to bring wine, lots and lots of wine. My parents gave me the keys to my grandmother’s old Impala. I said I would likely stay at Nora’s if we got to drinking. Mom kissed me and told me to please be careful, as she would hate to lose me.

“Nora?” I called from her screen door. I could see strings of lights decorating her foyer. Music was playing from somewhere inside. The door was unlatched, but I didn’t want to just barge in.

“Oh my God!” Nora ran from her kitchen. “Oh my God, oh my God!” She opened the screen door and threw her arms around my neck. “Oh my God, you’re here, oh my God.” She began to cry. I lowered the bags of wine to the porch and held her. I kissed her head. She stood back, looked and me and smiled. She laughed. Tears filled her eyes as she clapped her hands. “Oh my God. Okay, you’re here. Okay.” She took my hand and pulled. “Okay, come in, come in, we’re going to the kitchen.”

“Wait, Nora.” I bent down. “I brought wine . . .”

“You did? Oh, thank God.” She bent to take two bottles, took my hand and pulled. “Come in, come in. Oh my God, you’re here!”

Nora’s husband Kevin stood in the kitchen, watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on a television placed on the top of the refrigerator. “Hey, look who’s here!” He held out a hand. I took it and pulled him into a hug. “Good to see you, man.”

“You too, you lucky sumbitch.” I let go of him and put the bottles on a table. “Now, please tell me you have a corkscrew.”

“Here, you do it,” Nora said, fishing in a drawer. “I just don’t trust my hands.” She stopped and took my face in her grip. “Thank God, you’re here.”

“I wish we didn’t have to be here under these circumstances,” I said. “We’re too young to do weddings and funerals.”

“I know, I know,” Nora smiled. “And I look terrible in black.” We laughed. She put her lips to mine, and then jumped as she covered my face in kisses. “God, I love you so much!”

I giggled. “That tickles, sugar. And you know I’ll love you, ever and always.”

Kevin watched, smiling.

I poured Merlot for the three of us, filling Nora’s deep glasses nearly to the rims. She lit some candles and we sat to talk. Her phone rang. She left the room to take the call. Kevin’s eyes drifted back to the television. “You a fan?” He pointed at the set.

I looked over my shoulder. A Vulcan was upset. “I’ve actually never seen it.”

“Never watch it, then,” Kevin shook his head. “It will suck the life right out of you.”

Nora returned and sat, the phone still in her hands. “Okay, that was Lucinda. She’s on her way over.” She slumped and looked at me. “I’m wondering if we should call Timothy and all them.”

I fingered my glass. “Yeah? I don’t know. I mean, I want to see people, but . . . that’s going to become a bunch of people, very fast. And, I don’t know . . .” I took a sip of wine.

Nora put her hand in mine. “What, honey?”

I closed my eyes and winced. “I can’t make sense of any of this. And I’m not ready to have other people mediate my grief.”

I opened my eyes. Nora was inches from my face. “I know exactly what you mean. No one should take this from us until we process it.” She grabbed my arm and pulled closer. “But you know what? We’re all doing this. We’re all hurting. We don’t have to do it alone, either.” I leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “You’re not alone, honey,” she said. “None of us is.”

She pushed her forehead to mine. “Okay, baby, make the calls.”

Lucinda was the first to arrive. She brought more wine.

Timothy arrived with beer and three cars full of people who were, in my recollection, thirteen years old. During my senior year of high school, my circle of friends was very close. We were the smart set and all of the creative kids who read or spoke well gravitated to us. Somehow, into that clique of juniors and seniors came Timothy, a pudgy philosophical seventh grader. He kept up with our banter and if he didn’t get something, he asked follow-up questions until he did. We educated him as we went along, and pretty soon, we forgot his age and treated him like a peer. Still, we made a point of telling him he couldn’t join us at weekend parties.

“There’s beer and pot,” Allan told him.

“And sex,” I added.

“Please?” Timothy begged. “Seriously, my mom won’t mind. I can bring her if I have to. Come on, please let me come. Please?”

The prohibition stood firm so long as I was a senior. The next year, Allan was in charge. The newly-minted eighth graders flocked to him. He was their epitome of cool, all that they aspired to be. During his freshman year of college, Allan once said, “You know, I’ll never get laid like that again.”

“You never know,” I said. “This is the South.”

Our party grew too large for Nora’s kitchen. Kevin lit a fire in a cast iron stove on their deck and we moved outside. It was after midnight. Kevin went to bed, kissing Nora good night. He kissed my head. “Good to have you back, brother,” he said. He hooked my hand and took me into a bear hug. I kissed good night to his bearded cheek.

My hometown has distinctive sounds at night. Crickets and frogs are so voluminous you need to raise your voice to be heard. The trains that bisect the town ran close to Nora’s backyard, so that we were occasionally shushed by distant whistles and clacks that signaled the imminence of a deafening rumble.

“I’m sorry about that, guys,” Nora shouted as a train tore through the night.

“I like it!” I shouted back. I wanted to rush to the tracks and scream at the passing cars, to let out this tumor of grief for a boy I had lost and the longing for a man I didn’t know well enough to love as intently as I did.

It was quiet again as we sat near the stove. It got late but the wine held out, and no one showed any sign of leaving. So many years after high school, we were able to return to our familiar comfort with one another; we had gone on to other lives and places, but here, in this group, we remained the same people who had once imagined the future together.

Timothy looked content, his arm around my former girlfriend Lauren. She caught my eye and raised an eyebrow. I grinned. He had been nursing a crush on her for twenty years. I could remember him following us through the halls at school, and watching as we made out in the parking lot. We were his first ideal of romance. In his young mind, Lauren became the very embodiment of love and desire. He had never married. Allan used to joke that he was waiting on Lauren to break up with her longtime boyfriend. Recently, she had.

Nora sat beside me. She poured me another glass, and rested her head on my shoulder. I massaged Linda’s foot in my lap. She smiled and raised her glass in response. I took a sip.

“I’ve got a question,” Linda said. “I was just thinking of Allan taking my virginity, and wondered: how many of us had sex with Allan? Come on, show of hands.”

Half the people in the circle raised hands: every woman and me. We collapsed into laughter. “Please don’t ask that question at the service tomorrow,” I begged.

“We should charter a bus,” Nora guffawed. “With a banner: ‘Allan Slept Here.’”

“You slept with Allan?” Lucinda asked me. “I had no idea. None.”

“Well, he didn’t much talk about it. He wasn’t really into guys, but you know, he and I . . .”

“He was so in love with you,” Nora interrupted.

“Yes,” Linda echoed.

“We loved each other. I mean, that was the deal. We were straight boys in love. And we were sexual. So we had sex.” I sipped my wine. The fire crackled. I wasn’t satisfied with my answer, despite its truth. I wanted to wad it up, throw it into the fire, and start over.

Nora laughed. She bent over, grabbing her sides. “What, what?” I asked.

“I’m sorry, this is so inappropriate,” she giggled. “But that got me wet!” Everyone descended into gales.

I noticed Timothy wasn’t smiling. I hiccupped a few more giggles. “Hey, are you okay, Timothy?” I asked.

He looked into the fire. “I don’t think it’s very respectful.”

“What? The sex talk?” I sat up. “Hey, I’m sorry, it’s just . . .”

Timothy picked up a wood chip and dug into the deck. “I mean . . . if it was a secret, it should stay a secret.”

“Wait, are you talking about me and Allan? You knew about that, didn’t you?”

He nodded. “He told me, but that’s not the point. If you agreed to keep it a secret, it should be a secret.”

I sat back. “I tell it because I’m drunk, I’m tired, and I miss my friend. Forgive me.”

Nora sat forward. “Timothy, Allan’s dead. He won’t mind. And anyway, we all knew. He told all of us. Well, all of us except Lucinda, evidently.” Lucinda shrugged. Nora hit me. “Wait, why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Ask me later,” I nudged. “I’ve got a story that involves your bedroom.”

Nora covered her mouth and raised her eyebrows. “Oh, really?”

Nervous titters vibrated through the crowd. Timothy threw his wood chip into the fire. We fell quiet and watched the chip burn. Another train was heading down the line. After it passed, Lucinda spoke up. “Allan’s passing was so unexpected, so sudden. I guess it goes to show that you have to live each day like it’s your last.”

There were murmurs of assent. “I don’t know,” I said. “That seems too pessimistic. And maybe too complicated. Like, an anticipated last day might easily become a to-do list, a series of errands. Tell your mama you loved her. Write down the bank accounts. Open the good scotch. Watch the sunset. Kiss the wife and kids . . .”

“Get laid,” Lucinda added. We laughed.

“That too! But you know what I mean?” I continued. “It isn’t that any day could be your last. The point is that each day can be more fully appreciated. We spend so much time doing what we are supposed to do, and maybe we spend too little savoring the everyday things we would miss if they were gone. It’s not just about scaling Everest or whatever. It’s about tasting what you chew, listening when your children talk, laughing when . . . um . . .”

“Stop and smell the roses,” Linda nodded.

I reached for her hand. “Oh my God. Did you make that up? That’s it!” She grinned. “Well, I’m drunk and maudlin and talking in clichés. What the fuck do I know? But if I had Allan for just ten more minutes, I would tell him how much I loved him—which was so, so much—and then I would fuck the absolute living shit out of him until the meter ran down the time.”

“Here, here!” Linda laughed over the noise of convulsions. We clinked glasses.

“To love!” Nora echoed. “Je suis la lune!” She pedaled her feet in the air and handed me another bottle to open.

I woke up the next morning with a head full of rocks. I rolled over and squinted into the sun coming through a window. I was under a quilt on a day bed in a room lined with shelves. I could make out boxes on the shelves; focusing my eyes, I saw that they were action figures, each in their original packaging. I smelled bacon.

I sat up. I swung my feet to the floor. I ran my fingers through my hair.

“Do I look as bad as I feel?” I asked, stumbling into the kitchen.

Nora raised her head from the table. Her hair fell in her face. “I’d tell you, honey, but I can’t open my eyes.”

“Y’all had some party last night, judging from the bottles left over,” Kevin said from the stove. “Sounds like you sent Allan off real good.”

I sat at the table and buried my face in my hands. “Yeah, he got a fine bon voyage.” I dropped my hands and stared at Nora’s scalp.

Kevin put two cups of coffee in front of us. “Y’all best sober up. We have to be at the service in two hours.”

I looked at the clock. “Fuck, is it really ten? I have to go back to my parents house to get in my suit.”

“No problem,” Nora muttered into the table. “It’s thirty minutes on the Interstate.” Kevin served breakfast and we gradually came around. I kissed them each goodbye and walked out to my grandmother’s Impala. It was a bright morning. I drove into the sun, regretting my sunglasses.

I referred to Nora’s directions, trying to trace my way backward to my parents’ house. Somehow, I missed the turn onto the Interstate, which had opened in the two decades since I left home. Rather than double back to get directions, I decided to drive the way I knew, on the older highways and back roads. By the time I got home, I had been driving for over an hour.

“Isn’t the service at noon?” my mother asked as I came in the door.

“Yes,” I said, rushing upstairs. “I got turned around on the way back from Nora’s.”

“It’s twenty ‘til now!” she called.

“I know!” I shouted back.

“You’ll be late to your own funeral, son,” she said, walking back to the kitchen. “Good thing Lucy didn’t come, she’d cuss you out.”

Mom wrote out directions to the chapel so that I could take the Interstate. She gave me the directions, and then went over them with me as I stood in the kitchen tying my tie. “Mom, I could drive there in the time it takes you to explain these directions,” I said impatiently. I kissed her cheek and took the paper. She hollered at me to drive safe.

The chapel was standing room only. I closed the door behind me and shuffled to one side, taking care not to block the view of anyone behind me. Allan’s band was playing one of his songs, with the guitarist filling in the vocals. I looked over the heads of the seated mourners, but I couldn’t see a casket.

The door opened behind me. Jonathan stepped in, removing his sunglasses. I stepped over to hug him.

“You’re here,” he whispered.

“Yes,” I replied. “Thank God for you. No matter how late I am, I can always count on you to be later.”

He motioned for me to move closer and brought his lips to into my ear. “Fuck you,” he growled. I nearly giggled.

The service, or what was left of it, was short. As we were already standing by the door, Jonathan and I each stood to one side to act as ushers. Allan’s widow, Alice, came down the aisle holding a ceramic vase Allan had made. His mother, Barbara, held Alice’s arm. She wore large black sunglasses. She looked so small.

Alice leaned to kiss my cheek as she passed. “My husband is so heavy,” she whispered. He had been cremated. I would never see him again.

I squeezed Barbara’s hand. She turned her face to me. “Baby, are you coming to the house?” she croaked.

I cried and nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

She nodded. “Please, I need you there.”

I hugged her, trying not to cry so much. She had enough tears. She dropped her arms and turned to the door, resting a hand on Alice’s elbow. They shuffled outside. I put my hand to my mouth, suppressing my sobs. Barbara looked so drained of life.

Jonathan and I stayed in place as the mourners filed by. I recovered and folded my hands in front of my body. Following the line outside, we found our friends milling on the lawn outside the chapel. People were hugging, drying their eyes, and smoking, talking in hushed tones. Kids ran by, dressed in their Sunday school clothes. We watched as someone helped Barbara into a car.

“We should give them a good head start before we go to the house,” Jonathan said. “They’ll need to get her settled.” I nodded, reaching for his hand.

I followed Jonathan to Barbara’s place. We parked with the other cars along the side of the road and walked into the backyard. Some of the former seventh graders were seated in a circle, drinking beer and singing as the guitarist played. We nodded hellos and passed into the house. Allan’s aunts were in the kitchen. Linda helped them to bring food out to the dining room table. I took Linda to one side and hugged her. She broke down. “Stop, stop,” she said, slapping her hand to my chest. “I can’t do this, I need to help them.”

“Is she okay?” I asked. Linda shook her head, wiping her nose on a tissue. She turned and went back the kitchen. I followed the corridor to the living room.

Barbara was seated at the center of the couch, surrounded by people. “Mmph, there he is,” she said, drawing on her cigarette. “Come here, New York, and sit next to me. Y’all scoot over and make some room.” One of her sisters stood and took a glass from the coffee table. I made my way through the crowd to her side. I put my arms around her. Her head fell to my shoulder. “I buried my baby today,” she said, quietly.

I nodded, sniffling. “I know.” I held her.

“But you know what?” She sat up and waved her hand, guiding her cigarette through the air. “I’ve still got my other children. Allan’s friends. Y’all have all been so good to me, all his life. And now, even more so.”

Linda watched from the dining room. “We love you, Barbara,” she called. The words were picked up by other voices as heads nodded around the room. Linda wiped her eyes.

“Well, I love y’all,” Barbara said, her eyes raw and red. She turned to me and patted my leg. “You go call your mama and tell her you’re my son now, too.”

I sobbed. “You cruel bitch,” I wept. “Now, I think you’re purposefully trying to make me cry.”

A wry smile crossed her lips. “Honey, we’ve all been crying and we aren’t about to stop. I fully intend to sit here, get drunk, and cry myself dry.”

I laughed, kissing her cheek. I turned to Linda. “What do you have to do to get a vodka in this joint? Jesus Hosanna.”

“On its way,” Linda said, pointing over her shoulder to the kitchen. Barbara was already pretty soused, but no one was going to close her tab today. Her sister came back with a tall glass of vodka and orange juice. Barbara took a long sip. I took the glass and put if back on the table.

“You know what?” She drew on her cigarette and turned her head to exhale. “I always thought Allan would’ve been happier with you.”

I looked around. “You mean, with Linda?”

She patted my hand. “No honey, with you.” Several of us laughed. “No, now, I mean it. He loved you so much, baby, so very much. One time I asked him if he was in love with you. He shook his head and he said, “Naw, Mama. I love him, but I’m not in love with him.’ But you know what?” She lowered her voice. “I could tell he was.”

My face grew warm. “Well, Barbara, thanks for your blessing. A little late, perhaps, but . . . ”

Laughter burst from her. “Oh, baby, you made me laugh,” she said, patting her chest. “Oh heaven, thank you for that.”

I kissed her hand. “Seriously, though, I loved him, too. Still do. That’s the beautiful part. We still get to keep him with us, in our love for him.” I didn’t know where those words came from, but the sounded comforting and true, so I was grateful for them.

She squeezed my hand. “That is so right.” She reached for her vodka. “So right.”

I sat next to Barbara, talking with her and our friends, until she was good and drunk. Two of her sisters came over and helped her to the bedroom. We all wished her goodnight. The sun was starting to set.

We ate some food, sang some songs and drank some beer. We all kissed each other and said we’d get together soon, and not at a funeral. Linda’s brother Simon collected phone numbers, emails and addresses. The next day, I breakfasted with my parents and flew home to my wife and children.

A few days later, Simon sent an email to all of us, inviting us to join a Yahoo group he had created. Other friends were linked into the group, and soon, we were all catching up and carrying on in our message board.

Then, a funny thing happened. Former seventh-grader Timothy began corresponding with my former girlfriend Lauren. He had moved to New York a few years before, and she lived with her daughter in Maryland. He began to travel down to visit them on weekends. Pretty soon, he proposed. She accepted.

Twenty years after first meeting—one year after Allan’s death, two weeks into my separation—Timothy and Lauren were going to get married.