Reader's Queries

An email has arrived with queries from a reader out yonder in the Hawkeye State (that’s Iowa to those of you not up on the monikers of the contiguous forty eight) .

I started to reply, then thought: what the heck? I will answer her here. Let’s blog this baby.

I've just started reading your blog, and, since I'm late joining the conversation, I have a few questions for you. I was wondering if you participated in sex parties when you were married, and, if not, why not?

The answer is no, and the reason: I was married.

Prior to my marriage, I had been a slutty adolescent. I knew I enjoyed group sex with my friends.

Early in our relationship, my ex and I had fooled around with another couple, our best friends, every now and then. That experience ran its course, and as we solidified as a couple, the idea of returning to that kind of activity seemed totally alien to our lives.

Someone else has asked me to write about my slutty adolescence. I’ll get around to it.

Do you think that the institution of marriage itself naturally prohibits such activities—after all, isn't most marriage about "ownership" in one form or another?

I don’t know that I want to make blanket statements about marriage per se. Certainly my marriage conformed to the cultural norm that marriage meant monogamy, period, end of story.

And so while my desires may have gone in other directions—I never stopped being bi or thinking about other partners, I just stopped having sex with others—I accepted that signing on to marriage meant sublimating those desires. Those are the rules.

If so, then it’s no surprise as to why you find sex parties, orgies, and sex with strangers so appealing. And probably why the only girl you seem to have any serious feeling for in your posts is the one female who exhibits consistently elusive behavior ("your" Celia). I'm not saying this to be rude--it just seems fairly obvious.

Gosh, I am well aware of that.

I do not seek a new commitment so soon after the end of a long marriage. I do not want a new wife for myself, or a new mother for my children. For the foreseeable future, I prefer to remain single.

So it makes sense that I would appreciate most those who do not push me headlong towards a monogamous commitment. Nor is it much surprise that when I find someone who can accept this, I want to spend loads of time with that person.

Life’s little ironies, perhaps. You demand all my time, I’m not happy. You give me space, I want you in my space.

If someone accepts that my preferences are genuine and well-founded, and not some phase to be endured until I return to my senses, then I feel respected.

Respect is hot.

With Celia, I was intrigued that there could be a connection that was apparently mutual, and yet—for her at least—seemed to evaporate when we were not together.

This fed my attraction to her, and my frustration with her. It’s appealing that you do not need me—but why don’t you want me?

And yeah, I’m sure my attraction to that aspect of her personality is purely based on my own commitment to being uncommitted. Anyone else would have given up on her retarded ass after the first date.

The reverse was true with May. She is needy by nature—she would say so herself—and her strategy for “conquering” me was to consume all of my available hours. Eventually, I came to resent that my time was not my own. I felt controlled and manipulated.

Manipulation is not hot.

I am fascinated by the whole new wave of sex spawned by Craig’s List. I always wondered if those posts like "Hey, I'm a buxom blonde submissive who likes golden showers and needs to be fucked NOW" were actually real. Now I am a believer :-)

Well . . . before you venerate false idols . . .

I have had remarkably good luck meeting fine people online, and often through Craig’s List. But this is not because I succumbed to the lure of such unlikely posts as you mention.

Rather, I tend to post very straightforward ads about myself and the gatherings, and let them come to me if that is what they want.

It is true that I have met some sex partners through their postings, but they weren’t craving NSA ASAP.

My soul sister Elena posted specifically looking for conversation, not sex. Naturally enough, we talked about sex and then . . .

Kat posted seeking only to exchange instant messages. We hit it off, and in the fullness of time, we started to have sex.

It is also true that in both cases, I respected the original parameters. I am happy talking with Elena. I like trading notes with Kat. I didn’t try to push things in directions they weren’t seeking to go towards.

No offense, but I am a bit dubious that anyone could be having so much sex. Are you sure you are not fictionalizing any of this? I mean, how do you get so many people to sleep with you? Are you ridiculously good looking? Very persuasive? Both?

Believe it, sister.

What’s more: I have more sex than I blog. And I ain’t making up any of this.

By this point, I couldn’t get away with tall tales if I wanted to. Too many people written into the blog are now readers. They would slap me silly if I told fibs.

Bear in mind, though, that the two foci of the blog—being a pervert and a single parent—are just two dimensions of my life. This can create the impression that my world rotates around getting the kids to school so I can get laid.

That is a misperception created by the context of blogging.

Still, I am getting a lot of sex. And I am just as amazed about that as you are.

I would not say that all this sexual activity is due to extraordinary good looks. (For those who collect stats, I am blonde, blue/green eyes, 5’10” 160lbs.) I’m comfortable with my appearance, and it helps to be easy on the eyes, but I don’t think that’s it.

Nor do I have any special powers of persuasion. I honestly don’t force the issue; I wouldn’t even know how to do so.

I am open about my sexuality, and my lack of interest in a monogamous commitment. This may ward off a few folks, but apparently it attracts others. The ones who stick around tend to have the attitude that it’s great to have regular hot sex without the muss of having a boyfriend.

And if it seems excessive, keep in mind: I was in a monogamous relationship for fifteen years. My ex enjoyed sex, but wanted it very infrequently. After a few years of having my advances repeatedly rebuffed, I began to leave it for her to initiate sex. And she did . . . every few months or so. Maybe.

At night, asleep, my body held hers close, fondling her flesh, my cock hard against her back. Sometimes she spooned into my arms. Sometimes she swatted me off, waking me to harshly demand that I turn in the other direction.

When we had sex, I knew how to get her off, but she wasn’t so interested in my orgasm. After she came, sex was over.

In all those years, nary a blowjob was had.

When I was sent packing, I took some solace in realizing that my libido was no longer anchored to hers.

I resolved to go all out and have some fine sex. So if it seems like I’ve got my mojo working overtime, remember: I am on a mission from God.

As a submissive myself, I need to trust the person I am playing with 100%—I can't imagine being able to establish that level of trust with a stranger. But perhaps that's what makes it so exciting for you and your friends.

Thanks for sharing that. That trust you describe is inevitably at the basis of the best dom/sub relationships. “Trust” is the most commonly used word in the BDSM community.

(And you vanilla folk thought it might be “ouch.”)

I am new to being a dom, and trying it on for size. It seems to fit. Some may think this is incongruous with other aspects of my personality, as I tend to be very soliticitous and accommodating.

But perhaps that’s why it works: I gain people’s trust easily enough, and I don’t abuse it. And like every good dom, I know that I am taking on a responsibility to care for someone.

As for play with those new to me, I try keep things exploratory as we get acquainted. Like all things sexual, it just gets better as you get to know one another.

And now that we are acquainted—on your knees, Ms Iowa!