The life of a parent, and pervert, in New York City.
When told by my wife that our fifteen-year relationship was over, I found that everything in my life was upended. I took solace when friends and family pointed out I was no longer responsible for her personal happiness, just my own—and that of my four children.
I went into marriage as a bisexual kid, suspicious of monogamy. I was a good husband, and played by the rules. Now I'm single again, and wondering if I didn't have it right back then.
This blog picks up my new life in progress—the life of a parent, and pervert, in New York City.
Photograph by Adrian Buckmaster Photography. New York, NY. July 5, 2015.
(c) 2004-2019. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.
Jefferson
View My Complete Profile
I went into marriage as a bisexual kid, suspicious of monogamy. I was a good husband, and played by the rules. Now I'm single again, and wondering if I didn't have it right back then.
This blog picks up my new life in progress—the life of a parent, and pervert, in New York City.
Photograph by Adrian Buckmaster Photography. New York, NY. July 5, 2015.
(c) 2004-2019. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.
Jefferson
View My Complete Profile
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Let Us Now Praise Famous Men
This is not a photograph of me.
It is a photograph of another Southerner known by a pseudonym, another parent caught in a love triangle.
In 1936, author James Agee and photographer Walker Evans toured rural Alabama, intending to write a magazine article about the lives of white sharecroppers.
The article grew to the proportions of a book, published in 1941 as Let Us Now Praise Famous Men.
Just as Jacob Riis’s How the Other Half Lives had used text and photographs to raise public awareness about urban poverty, so did Agee and Evans seek to put a human face on those scraping a living as tenant farmers during the Great Depression.
Agee was an empathetic and highly subjective writer. This helped readers to appreciate the textures of rural life. But some faulted Agee for speculating about the inner lives of those he encountered—particularly for ascribing sexual longings and frustrations to his subjects.
This photograph, by Walker Evans, portrays a thirty-one-year-old cropper identified as George Gudger, husband of Annie Mae and father of four.
He was also, as Agee saw it, smitten with longing for his wife’s eighteen-year-old sister, Emma, who shared a bed with the couple in their two-room shack.
Agee—who, along with Evans, stayed with the family—was a little smitten with Emma himself, as revealed in these passages:
I am fond of Emma, and very sorry for her, and I shall probably never see her again after a few hours from now. I want to tell you what I can about her.
She is a big girl, almost as big as her sister is wiry, though she is not at all fat; her build is rather that of a young queen of a child’s magic story who throughout has been coarsened by peasant and earth living and work, and that of her eyes and demeanor, too, kind, not fully formed, resolute, bewildered, and sad. Her soft abundant slightly curling brown hair is cut in a square bob which on her large fine head is particularly childish, and indeed Emma is rather a big child, sexual beyond propriety to its years, than a young woman; and this can be seen in a kind of dimness of definition in her features, her skin, and the shape of her body, which will be lost in a few more years. She wears a ten cent store necklace and a Sunday cotton print dress because she is visiting, and is from town, but she took off her slippers as soon as came, and worked with Annie Mae. According to her father she is the spitn image of her mother when her mother was young; Annie Mae favors her father and his people, who were all small and lightly built.
For the past two years, Emma has been married to a man who is moving her to Mississippi. Annie Mae does not approve of the union; Emma is none too thrilled with it either. But the sisters are resigned to it, as Emma prepares to return to her husband.
She doesn’t want to go at all, and during the past two days she has been withdrawing into rooms with her sister and crying a good deal, almost tearlessly and almost without voice, as if she knew no more how to cry that how to take care for her life; and Annie Mae is strong against her going, all that distance, to a man who leaves her behind and then just sends for her, saying, Come along now; and George too is as committal over it as he feels will appear any right of business of his to be, he a man, and married, to the wife of another man, who is not kin to him, but only the sister of his wife, and to whom he is himself conconcealably attracted: but she is going all the same, without at all understanding why. Annie Mae is sure she won’t stay out there long, not all alone in the country away from her kinfolks with that man; that is what she keeps saying, to Emma, and to George, and even to me; but actually she is surer than not that she may never see her young sister again, and she grieves for her, and for the loss of her to her own loneliness, for she lovers her, both for herself and her dependence and for hat softness of youth which already drawn so deep into the trap, and in which Annie Mae can perceive herself as she was ten years past; and she gives no appearance of noticing the clumsy and shamefaced would-be-subtle demeanors of flirtation which George is stupid enough to believe she does not understand for what they are: for George would only be shocked should she give him open permission, and Emma could not be too well trusted either. So this sad comedy has been going on without comment from anyone, which will come to nothing: and another sort has been going on with us, of a kind fully as helpless. Each of us is attractive to Emma, both in sexual immediacy and as symbols or embodiments of a life she wants and knows she will never have; and each of us is fond of her, and attracted toward her. We are only strangers to her, but we are strange, unexplainable, beyond what I can begin yet fully to realize. We have acted toward her with the greatest possible care and shyness, yet we have also been open or ‘clear’ as well, so that she knows we understand her and like her and care for her almost intimately. She is puzzled by this and yet not at all troubled, but excited; but there is nothing to do about it on either side. There is tenderness and sweetness and mutual pleasure in such a ‘flirtation’ with one would not for the world restrain or cancel, yet there is also an essential cruelty, about which nothing can be done, and strong possibility of cruelty through misunderstanding, and inhibition, and impossibility, which can be restrained, and which one would rather die than cause any of: but it is a cruel and ridiculous and restricted situation, and everyone to some extent realizes it. Everyone realizes it, I think. to such a degree even as this: supposing even that nothing can be helped about the marriage, supposing she is going away and on with it, which she shouldn’t, then only of Emma could spend her last few days alive having a gigantic good time in bed, with George, a kind of man she is used to, and with Walker and me, whom she is curious about and attracted to, and who are at the same moment tangible and friendly and not at all to be feared, and on the other hand have for her the mystery or glamour almost of mythological creatures. This has a good many times in the past couple of days come very clearly between all of us except the children, and without fear, in sudden and subtle but unmistakable expressions of the eyes, or ways of smiling: yet not one of us would be capable of trusting ourselves to it unless beyond any doubt each knew all the others to be thus capable: an even then how crazily the conditioned and inferior parts pf each of our beings would rush in, and take revenge. But this is just a minute specialization of a general brutal pity: almost any person, no matter how damaged and poisoned and blinded, is infinitely more capable of intelligence and of joy than he can let himself be or than he usually knows; and that are in others to fear, to assume and take care for, if he would not hurt both himself and that other person and the pure act itself beyond cure.
The orgy Agee imagines would not take place. On the morning of Emma’s departure, George, Annie Mae and Emma sat through a quiet breakfast.
Whether he would kiss Emma goodbye, as a sort of relative, was on everybody’s mind. He came clumsily near it: she half got from her chair, and their bodies were suddenly and sharply drawn toward each other a few inches: but he was much too shy, and did not even touch her with the hand he reached out to shake hers. Annie Mae drawled, smiling, What’s wrong with ye George; she aint’t agoin’ to bite ye; and everyone laughed, and Emma stood up and they embraced, laughing, and he kissed her on her suddenly turned cheek, a little the way a father and adolescent son kiss, and told her goodbye and wished her good luck, and I took him to work in the car, and came back.
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Let Us Now Praise Famous Men
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14 comments:
Very smart. And moving. Yes indeedy.
Our people are linked.
The passage is so strong and moving. It makes me want to revist the research I've done already.
Careful with your geneology, Sweet Potato.
We may well be kissing cousins.
have i mentioned intelligence is sooooo sexy .. ?
Still in print.
http://tinyurl.com/bef9n
wow...nice blog....I just glanced, but I'll be back to check it out more later....interesting.
hmmm another mitze :)
THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!
I challenge her To a duel!
I think the more Mitzzee's the merrier, and yes, there is only 1 Mitzzee.
mitzi -
let's hope you fare better than alexander hamilton.
Oh Meg! How you continue to make me smile. Alexander Hamilton, that Brilliant Bastard out of the West Indies for whatever reason, has always been my favorite founding father. Shall we read from a Hamilton Biography as we eat our carrot cake on monday?
POSTED TO CRAIGSLIST BY ME
You think you are screwed? I'm 23, and lost my virginity to a shemale escort at age 21. That's fucked up. I can never date anyone for fear of having to explain ANY of this shit to a girl. Maybe a deaf girl. Fucking A. I just want to have a regular girlfriend now. But I've totally FUCKED myself.
You know, at the time, I was thinking to myself, well, since its a shemale, its not like I'm really having sex. Whatever. Fucking A. If I just hadn't been such a bitch in college and just fucked whatever drunk girl that was around. of course not. I had to think about being in love and wanting to do it and all of that shit.
In college, I finally found a girl that i thought would be alright, we were both virgins and sorta talked about having sex. But the kicker is every single time i was in bed with her, really i just wanted to have sex with her. She was ok and all, but I already knew we really couldn't "fall in love" or whatever. I don't know. And all I could think about was how my mom told me that my dad raped her and that's how they got together. And I saw what a fucking tragedy my parent's marriage was. I didn't want that to happen to me OR this girl. I couldn't tell her what was scaring me. I just couldn't. deep in my heart, i just wanted to let her know that i had some problems... we never actually had sex... just fooling around naked.
she broke up with me. i said to myself 'whatever'. i was trying to be tough. had to be tough. can't let your feelings show. no emotion is best, really. only way you can't get hurt.
i couldn't discuss the things on my mind. i've never been able to. never been able to talk about shit without feeling like a total freak. but that's what i am now. a fucking freak. i never talk with anyone i know. no one really knows me. i'm a fucking loser.
The core reason I fucked a shemale (and have done so on six other occasions) is this. Deep down, whether I'm straight, gay, or bi (I really fucking think that I am straight. I really do. But whatever, I could care less what the world thinks), I went and found a shemale escort because in my mind they were the only people that I knew that were/are more fucked in the head than I am. Bottom line. Plain and simple. No matter how fucked up in the head you think you are, think how much more fucked in the head these people might be.
And so, now i walk around feeling (and probably) looking like a marked man. How many straight guys are there that have actually done something gay? Better question -- is there ANY woman out there that can understand ANY of this shit. FUCKED UP. Every day, I wonder if its worth going on to the next. But yet I do. In the slim, miniscule, possibility that some girl understands me. And understands that I am straight. I think if I were gay, I would know it. Really. Honestly and to the core, I think I would know if I was gay. I have wondered endlessly. But if that's the case, why do I feel threatened by gay folks? Not to the point where I want to beat them. No way. I think if people can love each other, they should be with whoever the hell they want to be with. Honestly. I just don't like being hit on by a gay guy. I could have a gay guy friend no sweat as long as I knew there were nothing sexual going on. If I were gay, I'd be going after guys, right? If I were gay, I wouldn't lay in bed at night and wish my girl's head was resting on my chest while I smelled her hair and pondered what to do next in life. Everything that's happened in the last few years of my life -- I want to make it a complete wash. Deleted from the fucking memory bank. But its not something that can be erased or hidden. I NEED to let whoever I end up with KNOW this about me. But its too fucking weird. It's just too fucking WEIRD.
When I was growing up, all I wanted to do was fall in love. And now, at this moment, this is what has happened to my life. And everyone around me has suffered, as a result.
What do you think, world? i just want to fucking SCREAM.
Thanks for sharing, helpme.
I haven't heard from you in a while.
Drop me a line. And feel free to chat here as well.
I'm leaving new york in two weeks. -helpme
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