Friday, December 10, 2004


Dacia and I want to write more about the Honesty Fetish, a term she first introduced into the blogsphere last August, as you can read here. (This was also her first introduction of me, under the regrettable pseudonym “Toby.”) But she is doing her best not to blog at length as she finishes the semester, and she seems to think this may be some treatise. We'll pick it up soon, I'm sure.

In the meantime, I can lay some groundwork by introducing a few more characters into this nascent saga. And while we prepare notes for the Theory and Practice of the Honesty Fetish, I can offer up some of my personal history with it.

First, allow me to backtrack by introducing myself as I try to do with those who want an ongoing relationship with me.

I am capable of sustaining a loving, caring relationship with one person, with an eye on growing old together, forever and always. I dedicated myself to that ideal in my marriage. It works for my parents, as it worked for my grandparents and great-grandparents.

But I want no part of that for now. Perhaps I never will. Perhaps I will soon. Frankly, I don’t give it a lot of thought.

Finding the Next Big Thing in a relationship is simply not a high priority in my life. If I were to take on a committed relationship with just one person, I would have to be concerned about her future relationship with my children. It’s too soon for that. My children don’t need a new mommy, and I don’t need a new wife.

As I reorganize our lives in the wake of the dissolution of my marriage, I am mindful that my ex destroyed our family at her discretion. It was a tough lesson, but I got it: it takes two people to build a relationship, but only one to end it.

For now, in these uncharted waters, I would prefer to set a new course as my own captain. It was not my plan, but I want to experience being single.

Self-reliance is my rule of thumb, but I am also motivated by loyalty, caring, devotion and love. I am not desensitized to these things just because I am not seeking my One True Love.

But it does make me an odd bird to date. Most people reasonably assume that a dating relationship leads to certain milestones. Affection leads to love, love leads to commitment, commitment leads to kids and a house in the suburbs.

Well, I’ve already got the kids. I had the house in the suburbs too, until it was yanked away. So achieving that ideal is not a pressing goal in my life.

For now, I am happy to be in a relationship simply for the sake of that relationship, not with the intent of moving toward some goal.

Also, I’m bisexual. I always have been, even when I lived as a monogamous heterosexual, and I always will be. This is not a phase. I am not a fence sitter, nor in denial about my “true” sexuality. I know my sexuality very well, and this is it. I expect I will always prefer relationships—sexual and otherwise—with women, just as I will always desire sex with men.

It’s a lot of information to get across as I get to know someone, but I figure I should share the benefit of my candor. I certainly don’t want to mislead anyone.

Above all, I wouldn’t want a lover to think she was my exclusive girlfriend when I don’t see things that way.

1 comment:

The Bunny said...

I got your message, too bad I wasn't here. I was in your city actually hanging out at Tribeca. You keep posting and I'll keep getting progressively more worked up. Way to go ;)