No Fooling

I’ve been keeping a secret.

A few weeks ago, my online girlfriend Madeline popped up with an instant message.

Madeline: April Fool’s?

Jefferson: Are you getting an early start on some tomfoolery?

Madeline: No—how about I come to see you on the weekend of April Fool’s Day?

She wasn’t kidding. She had her finger on the trigger to confirm a reservation, pending my thumbs up on the itinerary.

Jefferson: Wheels up, Madeline. You are airborne.

Madeline and I have really hit it off since she contacted me after reading my blog.

We have a lot in common, as she also goes through a divorce with a control freak, while raising young children. She’s very funny, and our online dates and phone calls are gosh darned hot as hell.

Our web cams brought out a strong physical attraction between us. And when she copycatted me with her own brilliant blog on juggling parenting and perversion, Madeline established that we are apparently sexually compatible –like, crazy.

I talked about her with my pal Marcus. “Wow, she seems perfect,” he said. “There must be something wrong with her.”

“Of course there’s something wrong with her,” I said. “She lives in the fucking Midwest! We will never meet.”

But now, it seemed, we were meeting.

We’ve had many conversations since then. She likes my blog, and she is curious about trying out some of the things I write about. But we are also just curious to get acquainted in person.

I asked her if there was anything special she wanted me to arrange for her. She demurred, leaving it to me, but adding, “You really care about Marcus. It would be great to meet him.”

Marcus agreed to come to town for one night of her visit.

I sounded her out on other ideas. I put some of my sex crew on red alert: you may or may not be called into action. Can I count on you?

I could.

I relaxed. Let’s just see what happens.

Tonight, I got my kids to bed. She dropped off her two boys with her parents. I poured a bourbon, cranked up the web cam, and we finalized plans.

Jefferson: You look far better groomed than I do, nice haircut.

Madeline: I had the help of professionals.

Jefferson: It's best to rely on professionals when there is that much work to do. You are pretty homely.

Madeline: Truer words have never been spoken.

Jefferson: Look; I want to clear up a few things before you get here.

Madeline: Okay.

Jefferson: Regarding bathrooms: showers and pissing are open; we can walk in on one another, no problem. But poop is private.

Madeline: Are you kidding me? People actually poop with one another in the same room?
Madeline: Fair enough. (I am so glad we are having this conversation.) Agreed.

Jefferson: Great. Now: food. Anything you want, you take. Don’t be asking: can I eat this? Are you sure?

Madeline: Okay. But what if I don't like your food? Like, what if you have the wrong peanut butter?

Jefferson: Then get your own damn peanut butter. Or let's go shopping. Or let’s send Marcus to buy peanut butter. We can solve that problem.

Madeline: Is he coming, for sure?

Jefferson: Don't make me backtrack. Yes, he is coming, and so you are very likely having sex with a total stranger who is one of my oldest friends. I thought we had been over that?

Madeline: Not for shizzle. Okay, all clear.

Jefferson: Good. Now: sleep.

Madeline: Okay.

Jefferson: The side of the bed with the nightstand is my side. The nightstand is where my bourbon goes

Madeline: Of course it is. Duh.

Jefferson: I have no idea where you will keep your bourbon, but that is really your problem to solve.

Madeline: This is my setup as well, so I have no problem with the terms.

Jefferson: Very good. Also, I require two pillows. You may use as many or few as you chose, so long as I get my two.

Madeline: You can have them. I don't use pillows under my head.
Madeline: Only my hips
Madeline: While fucking.

Jefferson: That brings up another thing: fucking.
Jefferson: We are probably going to fuck.

Madeline: Well, yes.

Jefferson: Yes. I just want us to be clear abut a few things regarding fucking.

Madeline: Okay! Hit me.
Madeline: (No, really. Hit me.)

Jefferson: Well, see, I might, actually.

Madeline: You know that I like that, right?

Jefferson:You have only made that abundantly clear.
Jefferson: I will agree to keep bruises and hickeys where they can't be seen when you are dressed.

Madeline: Okay.

Jefferson: Now, when Marcus sleeps over . . . he is very hot, you know.

Madeline: Yes.

Jefferson: If I am asleep, and the two of you decide to have sex, you have to wake me. Because if he has sex with you, and I am not there, he will forever refer to that as the hottest sex ever.

Madeline: Oh, of course.

Jefferson: I will say, yes, Madeline is very sexy. He will say, you don't understand, I think she and I connected in some way that wasn't there when you were there.
Jefferson: This may or may not be true. He will just say it to taunt me that I missed the hottest sex ever.

Madeline: This is a good rule, I think.
Madeline: It should also be true for you, no?

Jefferson: Oh? You mean if Marcus and I go at it, I should wake you?

Madeline: Yes!

Jefferson: Good idea. We have the hottest sex ever. You don't want to miss that.

Madeline: Absolutely not. So it's settled.

Jefferson: Well, that is settled, but we aren't done yet.
Jefferson: Back to sleep: as you know, I snore.

Madeline: And I told you . . . that is comforting to me.

Jefferson: I’m glad! You really need to stop being perfect if you are going to continue to live 1200 miles away from me. If you find that my snoring is less than comforting, I am granting you a privilege: you tell me to get the fuck out of bed.

Madeline: Oh, no you didn't.

Jefferson: Oh yes I did. If you decline this privilege, the couch is very comfortable and the twin bed more so. That is where I would go if kicked out of my own bed.

Madeline: I don't want the taco futon.

Jefferson: No, you do not. Now: suitcase. You are welcome to live out of your suitcase, but I am happy to clear out a drawer for you. I have many drawers.

Madeline: Honey, I don't think I’m bringing much at all. But what I do bring will, I’m sure, fit into a small drawer. I would like that.

Jefferson: Good. I will prepare a drawer for you. I think that covers it from my end. Otherwise, standard room mate stuff. You use it, you wash it. You spill it, you clean it up.

Jefferson: Oh! And music.

Madeline: Oh! Music.

Jefferson: Music plays pretty constantly. The radio station is WFUV until they start fundraising on Monday. We listen to The Big Broadcast on Sunday. This is non-negotiable.

Madeline: Of course! I was thinking the exact thing!!
Madeline: Um, you are blowing my mind.

Jefferson: I’m just getting started on your mind, and on blowing you.
Jefferson: Pay attention though.
Jefferson: We need to agree on a house joke for the weekend.

Madeline: Okay. (She likes this idea!)

Jefferson: Anytime you find one of those Goddamned strands of plastic Easter grass that are a plague on my home . . . you have to pick it up, throw it down, and exclaim: “Christ on the cross!”

We laughed about that. Candy is a bane for each of us.

Madeline: Agreed! I threw out my kids’ faux greenery while they slept. Jack asked me this morning: Where's the Easter grass?
Madeline: I told him that the bunny needed to save it for next year. He recycles. So he came and took it back.

Jefferson: Fucking genius, mama.

Madeline: Well, the little one was pissed, but he can't argue with the Easter bunny. Or the EPA.

Jefferson: I tried to throw out Lillie’s grass, which was piled on the floor. She curtly informed me that it was a nest for her Peeps. So it stayed on the floor.

Madeline: Oh, jeez. Maybe you and Marcus can make s’mores from the Peeps.

Jefferson: But I have to wake you if we do so, cf previous rule.

Madeline: Of course. Then we could have Peeps s’mores in the fort.

Jefferson: The fort we are making under the dining room table, with the sheets?

Madeline: Will the three of us fit, with the Peeps?

Jefferson: We can only try.

We smiled.

Madeline: I am looking forward to this.

Jefferson: Me too. It’s a date.

Madeline: Damn promising date.

Jefferson: No kidding, huh?

Madeline: No fooling.

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