Wednesday, March 14, 2007


TIME: Tuesday, March 13, 9:18pm.

SCENE: A crowded living room. Thumping music plays low under vibrant overlapping conversations.


JEFFERSON (sotto voce): Oh right, today’s the thirteenth. You know what that makes tomorrow?

THOMAS: The fourteenth?

JEFFERSON: That’s right. And the fourteenth is “Steak and Blowjob Day.”

THOMAS: It is? There’s such a thing?

ENSEMBLE falls silent. From the couch, a chorus of FOUR WOMEN speaks in unison.

FOUR WOMEN: Oh no, you don’t!

JEFFERSON: What? What did I say?

FOUR WOMEN: That holiday does not apply to you!

BUGS: You don’t believe in Valentine’s Day.

CALLIE: You have to believe in Valentine’s Day to get a “Steak and Blowjob Day.”

LILY: Its true, I think those things are reciprocal.

AVAH: See? Told you.

JEFFERSON: Is it too late to repent?

FOUR WOMEN: You have eleven months to find out!

TIME: Wednesday, March 14, 12:13am.

SCENE: An orgy. ENSEMBLE is nude on a bed, entangled in sex. In a nearby chair, JEFFERSON is receiving a blowjob from WOMAN. The time is visible on a nearby clock.

AVAH (petting WOMAN’s hair): God, that’s hot.

JEFFERSON (smiles as he takes AVAH’s breast in hand): Yeah, she’s such a sweet cocksucker.

AVAH (kisses JEFFERSON’s cheek): Did you notice the time? Happy “Steak and Blowjob Day.”

JEFFERSON (kisses AVAH): Aw, thanks. Can I get that medium rare, baked potato—butter, chives—with a glass of Cabernet?

TIME: Wednesday, March 14, 8:16am.

SCENE: A bedroom. Tables and shelves are covered with condoms, wine glasses and water bottles. The floor is strewn with condom wrappers and clothing.

JEFFERSON and AVAH stir under a blanket. They kiss.

JEFFERSON: Good morning, Avah.

AVAH: Good morning, baby. You didn’t snore that much last night.

JEFFERSON (reaches for condom and opens wrapper): Oh good, I’m glad.

AVAH (watches as JEFFERSON rolls condom on his cock): That’s it? No foreplay?

JEFFERSON (turns to lay on AVAH): I said “good morning,” didn’t I?

TIME: Wednesday, March 14, 10:12am.

SCENE: The blanket is on the floor. AVAH and JEFFERSON are covered in sweat. JEFFERSON rolls off AVAH’s body.

JEFFERSON (panting): When did it get so hot in here?

AVAH (breathing deep): January. When they turned on the heat. I opened the windows last night.

JEFFERSON: Yeah, smart move. (JEFFERSON strokes AVAH’s arm.) Take a rest, honey. Then you can suck my dick.

AVAH: But you didn’t do Valentine’s Day. That means I can’t do “Steak and Blowjob Day.”

JEFFERSON: I didn’t ask for a steak. I want you to suck me off.

AVAH: But . . .

JEFFERSON: Tell you what. I’ve got an idea.

AVAH (smiles): What’s your idea?

JEFFERSON leans to AVAH’s ear and whispers.

AVAH: Awww . . . okay, let me get my hair clip.

TIME: Wednesday, March 14, 11:23am.

SCENE: A dining room table set with a flower vase and two place settings. JEFFERSON enters, nude, holding two plates.

JEFFERSON: Ta-da! (JEFFERSON kisses AVAH’s head.)

AVAH: Wow, that is so sweet.

JEFFERSON: As promised: pancakes in the shape of hearts. Want butter?

AVAH: You are too much.

TIME: Wednesday, March 14, 8:03pm.

SCENE: A kitchen. JEFFERSON is cooking, wearing shorts and a black t-shirt. COLLIE enters, holding phone.

COLLIE: Dad? Mom wants to talk to you.

JEFFERSON: She does? Okay, thanks. (JEFFERSON puts down wooden spoon and takes phone. COLLIE exits.) Hello?

LUCY: Jefferson, it’s after eight.

JEFFERSON (looks at clock): Yes, it is.

LUCY: Collie tells me that Lillie hasn’t finished her homework and she’s watching television. And she had a nap?

JEFFERSON (adds pepper to a saucepan): Uh huh.

LUCY: Jefferson, it’s so important that Lillie do her homework immediately after school. She can not nap then.

JEFFERSON (sips wine): She fell asleep reading.

LUCY: You have to wake her up! Jefferson, if she doesn’t do her homework before school in the mornings, she will get lower marks. She’s in second grade, Jefferson. She has to learn these things now.

JEFFERSON (draws breath): It’s unfortunate that you are relying on Collie as the supervisor of Lillie’s homework. She’s got twelve hours until school resumes. She can get it done.

LUCY: That’s your answer? Twelve hours? So—what? She does it at midnight? Four in the morning? What if she doesn’t do it?

JEFFERSON: Those are all possibilities. Another is: what if she does do it?

LUCY (her voice rises): Jefferson, it’s so important that she does her homework immediately after school . . .

JEFFERSON: I’m here if you want to have a constructive dialogue about the children. But I am not here if you want to use Collie or Lillie to call and impulsively yell at me.

LUCY (shouting): I am not yelling at you!

JEFFERSON (his voice steady and robotic): You are shouting at me. That is not constructive. This conversation is now over. Goodbye. (JEFFERSON closes the phone. He takes the spoon and stirs a saucepan. He reaches for a glass of wine.) Kids! Five minutes! (JEFFERSON looks at the phone. It does not ring.)

TIME: Wednesday, March 14, 10:13pm.

SCENE: JEFFERSON watches television with his thirteen-year-old son JASON.

JEFFERSON: Holy smokes . . . Claire is Jack’s sister.

WOMAN’S VOICE: But . . . I don’t understand. You’re paying the bills? Who are you?

MAN’S VOICE: Claire . . . I’m your father.


JASON (sitting up): Oh, snap! How did you know that?!

JEFFERSON: Shh! I’ll tell you during the commercial.

They sit in silence watching television.

ANNOUNCER: Disturbing footage tonight as a teenager is beaten to death at boot camp—captured by surveillance cameras. That, and is Spring here to stay? Accucast weather, at eleven.

JASON: What was that you made for dinner again?

JEFFERSON: Pepper steak with onions and peppers, with Spanish rice. Did you like it?

JASON: That was great, Dad. You should make that more often.

JEFFERSON (smiles): Yeah, I really should.



Anonymous said...

Riiiight... You EX is the unreasonable one.

Jesus Christ.

gomengirl said...

Hey! Hey hey! Some of us don't have cable and are forced to watch our LOST illegally online, two days after everyone else.

tut tut.

Steak and a Blowjob day eh?...I guess that explains the hollow feeling in my mouth all day yesterday *pout*.

e jerry said...

Had I known, I would have advertised. As it was, I ended up having roast beef instead. Oh, and nobody wanted a blow job either.

Meg said...

uh, spoiler much?

PJay said...

I love that you hung up on your ex...

Jefferson said...

I didn't hang up on my ex. That would be rude.

I declared our conversation null and void. That's purely declarative.

la petite dévergondée said...

Hello lovely Jefferson,

Have missed you so. I had a question - you left a voicemail on my cell phone? when? im super keen to find out all about it.

and ps darling...your voice really makes me want to do such naughty things. :)

-la petite

(whats up with all the nude chicks and the minimum of you wordage? lol)