Readers' Queries

This has certainly been a challenging week. The kids are sick, the ex is a shrew, the work piles up, and the evil eye hits my blog.

My spirits were lifted considerably when I received this note:

Jefferson,

I want to share with you what's been happening in my life since I started reading your blog last week. You seem to be the kind of person who would be interested in this.

I've lived a pretty sheltered life and it's an understatement to say I'm ignorant to a lot of sexual activities that other people indulge in. Some of the stuff you write about, well, wow. Things I've never heard confessed, to be sure.

I've been married for a year now, and the relationship is wonderful, but we both suffer from very low sex drive. It hasn't been weighing on our relationship so much as it has been on my mind. I often wonder why when we were dating we couldn't get enough sex, but now that we're married, it just doesn't come up very often.

I was starting to feel unsexy and old, wondering if this is what being a wife is.

Since I've read your blog, though, we've been having sex more and it's better, too. I can't really tell you why, but it's great and fun and I feel like we're dating again. I have lots of theories, but thinking about them too much ruins it, so I'm just going to bask.

Who knew that bi-sexual-orgy-blog guy three thousand miles away would help my sex life?

Just wanted to thank you.

Samantha

Could that be any sweeter? After the recent unpleasantness with Shelby—which taught me that blogging can have unfortunate and unintended consequences—here was a testimonial that that it can have a positive impact as well.

Samantha wrote about something very common to long-term relationships; inevitably, the hot burning flames of lust give way to the slower burning embers of committed love.

It’s a natural progression, as couples become increasingly familiar and adjust to the new realities of life together. Marriage and cohabitation bring on new realities and stresses that can interfere with desire for one another. It's natural, but it can be a tough transition from near-constant sex to the occasional roll in the hay.

As long as each partner feels fulfilled, and the romance is sustained, this shouldn’t be cause for concern. So maybe you are no longer humping like rabbits on the dining room table because you just couldn’t wait to get the bedroom. That doesn’t mean you have lost something irreplaceable.

It’s great when partners are open to new stimuli that can stir up that lustful spark. Samantha found it in this blog—which is personally gratifying to me!—but it could be anything: a shared favorite song, a vacation, or even a renewed commitment.

I recall that my ex and I had more sex when she was first pregnant with our eldest; we were excited and frightened, and brought closer by the baby gestating in her body.

I thanked Samantha for sharing her good news with me, and asked if she was sharing the blog with her spouse. I was also curious to know: was there anything in particular that she found arousing in my posts?

She replied:

It is exciting and arousing to read about your exploits, but I don’t know if it’s that simple. I just feel relieved, mostly.

I guess I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to perform a certain way and somehow reading about someone else's sex life helps me to see that there are things that go right and there are things that go wrong and it's all okay. And with that relief I feel more available and relaxed.

My husband doesn't read the blog, but I've told him about it. We had a lengthy discussion about being sexually healthy, about realizing what you want and being comfortable with that. We (I’m speaking generally now) seem very concerned with repressing ourselves and spend a lot of time trying to curb our desires and put a lid on our eccentricities.

My husband and I remarked how you labeled yourself a pervert, but we thought you might be one of the healthiest people out there.

Gawrsh!

Samantha honey, if you are this sweet to me, I can only imagine the loving you are pouring on that lucky husband of yours.

You two keep up that dialogue and let les bon temps roulez.