Kittens

A few weeks ago, my family adopted two kittens. They are siblings from a litter orphaned in a basement. Ain't they cute? Brother kitty is in a tux, and sister kitty is sporting several colors. Hemp by Venus Ropes. Thanks to Cody for the kitty portraits!

Blogoversary

Today marks my fourth blogoversary.

One Life, Take Two began as stories I wrote to amuse my drinking buddy Audacia, relating how curious sex and dating seemed after the demise of my long marriage, particularly as a single father to three young children. After a year of finding my love life in her inbox, Audacia persuaded me to start blogging. I didn’t know what blogs were, really, so she sat me down at my computer, and we turned my emails into the first entries on this blog.

At first, I wrote into a void, not sure that anyone would read what I posted. Then, very quickly, I had a readership that grew exponentially as I continued publishing. Writing had the unforeseen consequence of introducing me to new friends and—to my astonishment—lovers; many would subsequently start blogs of their own. I made introductions among the new people in my life and helped to foster more friendships. Now and then, I rediscovered romance and love. Now and then, I endured blog dramas as jealous lovers stalked one another online and other bloggers initiated puerile rivalries.

I learned along the way that that this was all part and parcel of a niche demimonde that revised Andy Warhol’s aphorism—in the future we inherited, everyone is famous to fifteen people.

For the past few years, I’ve marked my blogoversary by republishing my first post. Reading it now, I am struck by the wonder and excitement I felt in spending a weekend with a woman who seemed, incredibly, to feel passionate about being with me. A year and a half out my marriage, I was still surprised that anyone would find me desirable. I was no less surprised to find that readers connected to my efforts to put the revelations of this new life into words.

This year, I’m not republishing my initial post. Sex is off my blog for now, as I am dragged back into my marriage as my ex pursues her second bid to gain full custody of our children. She was resigned to joint custody after our divorce. Years later, armed with her discovery of my blog, she seeks to prove that my sexuality makes me an unfit parent.

Per the judge’s order, we have now entered into a phase in which each member of our family, including the children, must undergo a psychiatric evaluation.

The end is not yet in sight. I’ve been told to expect the case to continue until at least April, perhaps until summer, by which time it will have been underway for a year.

There is good news to report. The judge’s order directed that the costs of the psychiatric evaluation be borne by the city and state, not by my family. Further, the evaluations will not require as many sessions as was originally predicted. This relieves great burdens in the expense of time and money, meaning that I will not be seeking support for the evaluations in my legal defense fund.

However, your support is still needed to cover legal fees for my attorney and the children’s law guardian. Thanks so much for your continued interest and generosity. Again, if you have questions or comments about the case, feel free to email me. I can’t promise that I’ll be able to answer all inquiries, but I’ll be glad to answer those I can.

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

FAQs

Below I have answered some frequently asked questions about my custody case. Please feel free to ask others or follow-up questions. I can't promise to answer all, but I am glad to answer those I can. Thanks for your continued interest and support.

How did your ex learn about your blog and sexuality?

My ex has always known about my sexuality. I was out as bisexual before we met, and we each discussed our sexual history during our first dates. In fact, our first several dates were threesomes with a male friend who then shared a bed with me. We subsequently double-dated him and his girlfriend and frequently had sex together. Several of these dates were videotaped.

As our relationship deepened, my ex and I agreed to be monogamous. Still, I continued to identify openly as bisexual for personal and political reasons. My bisexuality was frequently discussed when were in couples therapy for a few years following our wedding. The therapy was focused on our sexualities, dealing primarily with my ex’s aversion to intimacy and its impact on our transition to marriage and efforts to have a child.

At the time, I was a volunteer at the Hetrick-Martin Institute, an organization devoted to supporting GLBT youth. I was also caring for my boyfriend from high school days, who was then hospitalized and succumbing to AIDS. My ex knew him well; she was fully aware that he and I had been lovers and continued to love one another deeply. Eighteen months after his death, we named our first child in his memory.

My sexuality has never been a secret to my ex.

The existence of this blog, however, was a revelation to her. My ex learned of my blog in March 2008, when it was included in a Time Out, New York feature on “secret lives.” She visited the site frequently between this discovery in March and her subsequent filing in late June. Her IP address shows that she clicked through to related blogs. Even though she knew of my bisexuality and interest in group sex, she may have been surprised to read about it in such detail. But if so, she made no mention of it to me. Instead, she contacted attorneys and filed for custody three months later, coincident with the beginning of a planned two-month sabbatical from her job. I was served with papers upon returning from a vacation with my children.

Why has a psychiatric evaluation been ordered, and what does that entail?

My ex requested that a psychiatric evaluation be undertaken for me and for each of our three children. The judge ordered that there be evaluations of both parents, but not the children. My evaluation is to focus on my involvement in BDSM and polyamory, as described in my blog. The judge is concerned as to whether this type of activity comes from some kind of pathology.

We are told that we may each expect between ten and twenty sessions. All of our past medical and mental health records may be opened for review. A final report will be prepared for the court’s consideration.

There have been no concerns raised about my mental health other than those based on my sexuality and involvement with BDSM and polyamory.

Is involvement with BDSM evidence of a psychiatric disorder?

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is currently engaged in the DSM Revision Project, with the goal of removing political emphases in the discussion of BDSM and sexuality in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This manual is published by the American Psychiatric Association and used to establish diagnostic criteria for mental disorders. The current edition was published in 1994. The next edition is due in 2012, and a draft will be released for review in 2009.

The politics of sexuality and mental health have been contentious in the DSM’s history; so long as there is a presumption that sexuality is symptomatic of mental illness, whole populations are at risk of being diagnosed purely in terms of their sexuality. So it was that in the early 1970s, gay and lesbian activists, supported by the research of Alfred Kinsey and Evelyn Hooker, successfully sought to have homosexuality removed from the mental disorders listed by the DSM. Thanks to that generation of activists, a bisexual parent such as myself may not be at risk of losing custody due to his bisexuality being classified as pathology.

However, the current edition of the DSM continues to classify the vague "sexual disorder not otherwise specified.” It also targets paraphilias (sexual fetishes) and female hypoactive sexual desire disorder (low female sex drive). If you like to dress in rubber or would just as soon pass on sex tonight, the DSM supports classifying you as mentally ill on those grounds alone.

The DSM formerly defined epilepsy as a mental illness. If it continued to do so, and a parent is epileptic, a court would reasonably ask for a psychiatric evaluation of that parent in determining her suitability for custody.

I have written of my interest in BDSM and polyamory. Therefore, the court reasonably asks that my interests be examined for evidence of pathology. I am confident that pathology is not afoot in my case, and I welcome the proof that will come from the process of a psychiatric evaluation. Precedents are a tricky issue in custody cases, where the prevailing standard is “best interests of the child,” a standard that may be different for each child. But I hope that my success in this psychiatric evaluation helps other parents. I hope that it helps the community by making the case against a presumption of mental illness in BDSM and polyamory in the next edition of the DSM.

Why is the hourly rate for a psychiatric evaluation so expensive? I see a therapist in Manhattan, and she only charges $125 per session.

A psychiatrist undertaking a court-ordered evaluation is required to meet certain criteria. Past medical and mental health records must be reviewed, and a formal report made to the court. It may be necessary to appear before the judge. In this case, both parents must be evaluated by the same psychiatrist. Understandably, this extra work is reflected in the hourly rate.

Why the need for a legal defense fund?

These proceedings are expensive. My ex hopes to use that expense to her advantage.

My ex is from a wealthy family. Over the course of the past seven months, even in advance of these proceedings, she has used her family’s resources to wage a campaign of financial intimidation in hopes of gaining custody of our children.

When our marriage ended, I was sent to live in an apartment owned by my ex’s father. After she read the Time Out, New York article in March, her father brought pressure to force my family from the apartment. At the time, I was unaware of her discovery of my blog. Our divorce settlement stipulated joint custody of the children. This effort to remove us from our home was designed to make it impossible for me to maintain that agreement.

My ex and her father each recommended that I voluntarily surrender custody of the children and make arrangements to stay someplace else, perhaps on a friend’s couch. Instead, I found a comfortable three-bedroom apartment and moved. At no time did my ex or her family express any interest in where the children and I might live. The strategy of winning custody by making me homeless failed.

Knowing that the sudden move had left me financially vulnerable—obviously, it would, and I had written as much in my blog—my ex then filed for full custody. She chose to do so by filing an emergency order to show cause. Such orders are necessary when children are in immediate danger and the court’s quick action is necessary. At no time did my ex or her family express to me any concern about the children’s safety and welfare. Indeed, as my ex worked with her attorneys on preparing this motion, I was out-of-state with my children on vacation. During the three months my ex had known about my blog, no effort was made to deter this vacation in light of a perceived “emergency.”

I learned of the motion late one afternoon and was expected in court the following morning. My ex also chose not to file in family court in an added effort to make the process as expensive and protracted as possible. Had she filed in family court, it would not have been necessary for me to have an attorney, and a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation would have been provided by the court, were it deemed necessary. Again, my ex and her family assumed that by taking the most expensive route possible, they could take advantage of my financial disadvantage.

Only after that initial court date did I learn that the motion was based wholly and entirely on my blog. The motion alleged that I could not be a fit parent due to my sexuality and sexual activity. The motion, which is as thick as a phone book, is replete with incendiary sexual language. In fact, the motion mentioned my bisexuality four times, orgies nine times, pornography three times and sex twenty-eight times. The word “hypersexual” was used eleven times. By contrast, the phrase “best interests of the children” appeared only three times.

A subsequent addition to the motion alleged my practice of the fetish “blooding,” which was defined as the use of blood as a lubricant during intercourse. Not only had I never written of any such interest, I had never heard of a fetish for “blooding.” I’ve Googled the term and asked around. No one seems to know about it. Having apparently coined the term, my ex’s attorneys are free to define it as they wish. Clearly, the hope was to shock the judge by ascribing this invented fetish to me.

The motion was reviewed by the legal experts of the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund. Given the extraordinary emphasis on my sexuality, the absence of any other claims against my abilities as a parent, and the motion’s acknowledgment that I am in fact a good parent, the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund created a fund to support the case.

How are free speech issues involved?

The claims against me are based entirely on my writing. Long-time readers of my blog know that I write not only about sex, but also about parenting. This dual focus is reflected in the blog’s subtitle. They know that I have written repeatedly on the segregation of my two lives. They also know that this blog has documented my trying relationship with the mother of my children.

Having perused the blog over several months, my ex is fully aware that it documents her actual behavior and actions. She is therefore interested in curtailing my writing.

In any other instance, her hands would be tied. The right to free speech would be hard to contest, as my writing is in no way slanderous or false. However, in custody cases, free speech is considered alongside the best interests of the child. In a custody case, the court may order me to cease or curtail my writing.

As this has to do with custody, sexuality and the Internet, we are in largely uncharted waters. My lawyer is beginning to research the issue and has not yet found any on point precedent for this situation. My case facts seem to present a “case of first impression” with respect to First Amendment freedom of expression and prior restraint law. As a restriction on a parent’s writing would have constitutional implications, the defense of free speech in this case could have a very broad impact.

How are you holding up?

Ever optimistic, thanks. My greatest concern in keeping this blog has been that my ex would discover it and sue for full custody. Now that she has done so (and done so, alas, with entirely predicted venom), I look forward to putting aside that anxiety once and for all with the reassertion of the original joint custody agreement.

Thanks again for your continued support.

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Questions?

It’s been suggested that I draft a FAQ sheet concerning my custody case, as there are many questions commonly raised and, in the absence of information, misinformation can spread. I’m limited in what I can say at this time, but there are many factors of concern to the larger community that I may speak about. For example, why is an interest in BDSM and polyamory questioned as possibly indicative of psychopathology? How can the sexuality of a parent be brought into a custody case? How are free speech issues a factor?

If you have questions you would like to see addressed, please drop a line. I’ll try to get to as many as possible.

Thanks again for your continued support.

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Psychiatric Fees

Does someone involved in BDSM or polyamory do so due to pyschopathology? That question will be addressed in the next phase of our custody case.

As anticipated, the judge has ordered psychiatric evaluations of each parent. In my case, this is called for due to the BDSM and polyamorous activities described in my blog.

As we go through this phase, each parent will meet individually with the psychiatrist for multiple sessions. How many sessions has yet to be determined, but it will be an extensive process. We are to make available all past and current medical and therapy records. We are told to expect that this process will take at least ninety days. So, come Christmas, we’ll likely still be at it.

While we hope that the law guardian, plaintiff's attorney and my own attorney can agree on a psychiatrist to conduct these studies at a reduced fee rate requested by the court, apparently there are not many doctors willing to accept those lower fees.

So far, we are being quoted standard or slightly reduced charges somewhere between four hundred and six hundred dollars an hour. This process generally involves ten to twenty hours of sessions for each parent. I’m responsible for paying half the total cost, and so face bills between four thousand and twelve thousand dollars.

I’m perfectly confident that, like the great majority of people involved in BDSM and/or polyamory, my sexuality is not compelled by pathology. I am confident that my sexuality does not adversely affect my abilities as a parent. I take great joy in the fact that my children are well adjusted and thriving.

That said, I appreciate the court’s desire to err on the side of caution when the best interests of children are concerned. The court should be assured of each parent’s mental health as we go forward in this matter.

Your support of my legal fund is most appreciated in this phase. While each parent undergoes this extensive process of psychiatric evaluation, there are not likely to be dramatic events to report. For the next ninety days or so, we will each be in private sessions. We won’t have an outcome to report until that concludes.

During this phase, your contributions will go to the psychiatrist as well as to the children’s law guardian and my own attorney.

After this phase, we will be faced with concerns directly relating to free speech and custody: what will the court decide about this parent’s right to write about parenting and sexuality in this blog?

Please feel free to post this appeal (or links to it) on your blogs, and to spread the word within groups and networks concerned with parenting, sexuality and free speech.

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Psychiatric Evaluation

Not long after I announced that my ex had discovered my blog and made an emergency application to the court seeking sole custody of our children, I was contacted by numerous parents who had been though similar court challenges of their custody based upon their particular sexual lifestyles.

A father wrote to share his sympathies, offering to do anything he could to help. He told me his ex had won custody of their children on the basis of his involvement with BDSM. I was contacted by another parent, a woman who had retained custody of her children despite her ex's efforts to prove her unfit because she is transgendered. I heard from many other parents whose suitability as custodial parents was called into question based on their sexuality or lifestyle. Some had lost custody, some had won custody, but all knew how harrowing the court process is —not only for the parents, but for the children as well.

Those of us who choose to blog our lives do so at some risk, particularly those of us with readers who may seek to use our words against us. As it happens, parents like myself who do so enter into a gray area in the rights to free speech. In child custody cases, the basic standard is the best interests of the child. The definition of "best interests" may differ according to each specific child in each specific situation. First Amendment concerns in relationship to child custody issues remains largely undefined and untested. It is uncertain how a court will decide when faced with an author, such as myself, who blogs and has also been published in respected and “legitimate” publications over the years. Free speech is a real concern in this case: will the court decide that I am no longer allowed to write about the coexistence of my life as a joint custodial parent and as a sexually active adult?

Each of these child custody/sexual lifestyle cases truly matters to our community. As Anita Wagner, polyamory skills educator and advocate, recently wrote to me, "Child custody is by far the greatest legal challenge to people who are engaged in alternative forms of sexuality. As polyamorous parents go, fortunately we are seeing more and more interest from researchers, and we hope that before too long there will be enough scientific verification to support poly parents. Valerie White is a big part of that effort, and I was glad to see that she is supporting your cause."

I'm deeply appreciative of the support of Valerie White, Executive Director of the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund, for her advice and encouragement, and for her creation of a legal defense fund to assist in this case. I'm also profoundly grateful for the assistance offered by Lambda Legal and by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. These organizations are on the frontlines for our community. If you are unfamiliar with their work, please visit their websites and search the web for examples of the very real impact they have made in the lives of individuals and families.

As for my custody case, it continues apace. The next step is expected to be a psychiatric evaluation of each parent. In my case, this may be ordered to determine if my involvement in BDSM and polyamory is due to some type of psychopathology.

Many of you may gnash your teeth to read this. You know that study after study has shown that people involved in safe, sane and consensual BDSM and polyamory are no more likely than anyone else to suffer from mental illness. And yet the popular perception remains that submissive types are masochists reenacting child abuse or are victims of abuse at the hands of their dominant partner. Similarly, there is the lingering perception that the dominant type is in truth a sadistic abuser. And so it goes, on and on, until the end of pop psychology.

While the activist in me wants to shout out that these are unfair characterizations and wrong-minded assumptions, the parent in me is glad that courts, in these cases, are careful to protect the best interests of the children involved. Of course I'll submit to psychiatric evaluation if it is ordered by the court, confident that my engagements with BDSM and polyamory are not born of pathology.

This evaluation will add even more costs to my legal case, as the court will order that that I pay the fee of the psychiatrist. When this case began, I was told that I should expect to spend approximately twenty thousand dollars, due to the way the case was filed by emergency order to show cause, and that it was best to have the money on hand immediately. (As it happens, that estimate is proving to have been entirely accurate. To put it in perspective, that amount of money might have bought a new car or contributed to a freshman year at Harvard—and this is in addition to the tens of thousands spent by my ex in bringing this motion.) Fortunately, I've been able to pay legal and other fees in phases. The next phase will be to finish paying the law guardian and the psychiatrist as well as any further fees of my own lawyer.

Thanks to all of you who have contributed, and are now contributing, to my legal defense fund.

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Event

Last night’s Friends of Jefferson event was a great success. Thanks to everyone who attended and contributed. Thanks especially to those who donated items to the raffle—which included, my gosh, an original drawing by Nayland Blake!—and also to the hard-working Friends of Jefferson steering committee, which made it all happen.

A very nice chunk of change is now on its way to the legal defense fund administered by the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund.

I hear the event was a real hootenanny. I didn’t actually attend, as, I am happy to report, I had prior commitments. I prepared a statement that Lolita was good enough to read to those who attended. You can read it here—you just have to imagine my words spoken in Lolita’s gorgeous Queens accent.

Thanks to everyone for coming to tonight’s event. I’m sorry I can’t be there with you, but see, the thing is: I’m home with my children.

And that’s your doing! Thanks to your support of the legal fund established by the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund, I’ve been able to retain an extraordinary attorney, as well as a court-ordered law guardian for the children. Based on the law guardian’s observations, the judge ordered a return to joint custody as this case proceeds. This was a great step toward resolving the case with joint custody permanently restored.

However, there are still hurdles to be faced. The case is not resolved and could stretch out for months. While I’m unable to speak directly about the case, I can say that my ex filed in such a way as to make this as expensive a process as possible, counting on her great financial advantage over me.

She knew I didn’t have much money. What she didn’t anticipate is how many friends I have, or how supportive our communities can be. She certainly didn’t expect that I would find such a fine lawyer—which I did, thanks to the Kink Aware Professionals list maintained by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and available on their website.

Should I be successful in having the case dismissed or obtaining an order permanently reinstating joint custody, it will be a lesson to all that neither a person's sexuality nor his writing should adversely affect his suitability as a good and custodial parent. It is entirely possible to be a parent and "pervert."

Have fun tonight. Enjoy your Mister Gingers and the company of some of the finest perverts I know. And thanks!

You can help by making an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson's legal defense at

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Event Tonight!

Join the Friends of Jefferson Tonight!
August 27, 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.
Happy Ending Lounge
302 Broome Street, NYC • B or D to Grand Street
J, M, Z to Bowery • F to Delancy

$20 suggested donation—but pay what you wish
Come and get your spank on at the Spanking Booth!

Enter to win:
GRAND PRIZE - original drawing by Nayland Blake
Babeland gift certificates
Books • DVDs
Venus Ropes Whip-and-Cane Bag Set and Rope
A Scene or Lesson with Boymeat
The Erotic Art of Spanking DVD w/ book by Lolita Wolf
Hitachi Magic Wand
Home Depot Pervertibles Kit
For Your Nyphomation Flogger Trunk
Edens Fantasys Gift basket
A Scene or Lesson with Lolita Wolf
Lubricious Lube
Two passes to the Sexies Awards
Two National Coalition for Sexual Freedom memberships
Two National Coalition for Sexual Freedom T-shirts
. . . and more!

Drink specials!
Mister Ginger (ginger infused vodka, ginger ale, and fresh lime juice) only $4 from 7-9pm. Pabst Blue Ribbon beer for just $3 and single liquor well drinks for just $7 all night long.

Jefferson's ex-wife has sued for full custody of his kids, because of his involvement with alternative sexual expression, despite an absence of any evidence that his sexuality adversely impacts his children, and despite an abundance of evidence that he is a conscientious and responsible father.

One hundred percent of door donations and raffle proceeds benefit the Friends of Jefferson Legal Defense Fund, which is administered by the
Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund.

If you can't join us, please consider making an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson's legal defense at

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Anita Wagner

Thanks to Anita Wagner—polyamory advocate, writer, spokesperson and educator—who writes of the broader implications of custody cases based on a parent's sexuality:

Jefferson is a bisexual man in New York City who is well known in the sex-positive, open relationship community. He is the father of three children of whom he shares custody with his ex-wife. Some time ago his ex came upon a no-longer-public blog he kept about his lifestyle activities. Despite the fact that he is an excellent father and in no way permits his children to come in contact with that aspect of his life, his ex-wife now seeks sole custody and a dramatically reduced visitation schedule based solely on his sexual orientation and form of sexual expression.

Jefferson wisely contacted Valerie White of the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund, and SFLDEF is accepting contributions on his behalf to fund this very costly child custody battle. I'd be surprised if his ex isn't also asking him to pay her attorneys’ fees on top of his own.

Jefferson also wisely contacted Leigha Fleming of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, who assists parents facing child custody challenges on a routine basis.

Please consider making a contribution to this man's legal fund by visiting the SFLDEF website. There is a link there where you can pay via Paypal—you will be able to designate your contribution to go to the Jefferson fund.

If you are in New York City, please consider attending the fundraiser being held for Jefferson tomorrow, Wednesday, August 27.

Child custody is by far the greatest legal problem facing people in open relationships. This could be a landmark case if Jefferson wins, so investing in Jefferson is a great investment for poly parents who may face similar challenges in the future.

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom

When I first learned that my ex had discovered my blog and filed for custody, I immediately contacted Leigha Fleming. A board member at the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, Leigha gave me great advice and pointed me in some good directions. She was quick to point out that I wasn’t alone.

She recently wrote:

Organizations like the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom are really the only ones of their kind. And, they're the only ones who provide active and proactive support to people whose custody is challenged on the basis of their alternative sexual expression.

No matter what you think of a person in particular, people shouldn't lose access to their children based solely on consensual adult sexual expression. Being queer, being bi, being into SM doesn't make you a bad parent by default.

And, the only way to challenge those attitudes in the courts and in society in general is to support organizations like the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. And, in particular, to support specific cases like Jefferson's when the opportunity arises.

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has donated some great items to be raffled at the Friends of Jefferson benefit on Wednesday. Thanks for all your help, NCSF!

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Friends of Jefferson Event

Jefferson is offline today so we're passing on this message. See you on August 27!

FoJ

Join the Friends of Jefferson
on August 27, 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.
at
Happy Ending Lounge
302 Broome Street, NYC • B or D to Grand Street
J, M, Z to Bowery • F to Delancy
$20 suggested donation—but pay what you wish

Come and get your spank on at the Spanking Booth! Enter to win:

Babeland gift certificates • Books • Venus Ropes Whip-and-Cane Bag Set and Rope • A Scene or Lesson with Boymeat • The Erotic Art of Spanking DVD w/ book, by Lolita Wolf • Hitachi Magic Wand • Home Depot Pervertables Kit • DVDs • For Your Nyphomation Flogger Trunk • A Scene or Lesson with Lolita Wolf • and more!

100 percent of door donations and raffle proceeds benefit the Friends of Jefferson Legal Defense Fund, which is administered by the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Technorati Tags: bloggers, events, nyc, sexblogs

Update

Thanks, everyone, for the supportive notes. I’m behind on email, but I’ll try to get back to each of you in time.

Thanks also for your support of the legal defense fund created by the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund. This week, that support helped us to retain a court-ordered legal guardian for the children. We may yet have a long way to go in this process, so thank you for your continued support.

My apologies to the legitimate journalists who have expressed interest in this case. While it is underway, I can only refer you to my attorney, who has her finger on the “no comment” trigger. Fortunately, you appreciate the situation, given the injunction of the code of journalistic ethics to “use special sensitivity when dealing with children.” Further:

Recognize that gathering and reporting information may cause harm or discomfort. Pursuit of the news is not a license for arrogance.

Only an overriding public need can justify intrusion into anyone’s privacy.

Show good taste. Avoid pandering to lurid curiosity.

Ethics matter, and good journalists appreciate that.

That said, I am taking this opportunity to announce that rumors are true. I am indeed dating Christie Brinkley. More to come on that as well.


Technorati Tags: custody, divorce, parenting, christie+brinkley, Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Save the Date

Thanks to those who have supported this sudden and expensive custody case with your contribution to the legal defense fund established by the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund.

After careful review of the filings, the legal experts at SFLDEF have determined:

His ex-wife has asked for a modification (of custody) because of his involvement with alternative sexual expression, despite an absence of any evidence that his sexuality adversely impacts his children, and despite an abundance of evidence that he is a conscientious and responsible father.

Thanks also to those who are helping to spread news about this legal fund. I appreciate your discretion in allowing the case to proceed without speculation or fanfare.

Save the date for August twenty-seven!


Technorati Tags: custody, divorce, parenting, Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Custody

Miss me?

Thanks to everyone who has written to express concern about the sudden disappearance of One Life, Take Two. Unfortunately, this blog was discovered by my ex-wife Lucy, and, as predicted, she has filed for full custody of our children. We’re in the midst of sorting this out in the courts and, as you might guess, my sexuality and blog are the basis of her legal complaint.

Thankfully, there is community support for parents in this situation. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and Lambda Legal have been very helpful, and the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund has established a legal defense fund dedicated to this case. This fund is critical, as Lucy and her family are relying on their great financial advantage. (Marrying rich? Awesome! Divorcing the rich? Not so much.) While there is every reason to be optimistic about a favorable outcome, it is imperative to have funds in order to achieve that goal.

To that end, an ad-hoc committee has been formed. The Friends of Jefferson will organize fundraising appeals and issue statements as the case goes forward. These statements are approved by my legal eagles.

Donations to the legal fund are tax deductible. The fund is administered by the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund, and every cent goes to support the legal effort. However, you must specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund.

I would very much appreciate your help in getting the word out about the legal defense fund. Please feel free to distribute the Friends of Jefferson logo and appeals. However, I ask that you otherwise refrain from discussing this case and my blog. I know that for some, gossiping about Jefferson is popular pastime, and this is juicy blog fodder. But for now, please keep in mind: this is about three children.

Once the dust settles, everyone can go back to stalking my sex life and discussing the complex issues around this case. But while this case is before the court, know that your every blog post, comment and tweet is essentially an email to opposing counsel. Your opinion is your own, but it can interfere with the one that matters most, and that is the opinion of the State of New York. Please allow the court the time to decide this matter.

One Life, Take Two will include the appeals and updates of the Friends of Jefferson Committee. You can reach the FoJ at friendsofjefferson@gmail.com.

Jefferson



An important member of the sex-positive community urgently needs our help.

Jefferson—blogger, educator, and dear friend to so many of us—is at this moment fighting a court battle with his ex-wife, who is seeking full custody of their three children.

Jefferson’s love for his children has been well-documented on his blog One Life, Take Two for years. His ex-wife has stated in court that he is a “great” father who loves his children.

However, among her claims is that his bisexuality makes him an unfit parent.

Jefferson needs our help now. As a writer, his resources are limited. The costs of fighting this case are mounting quickly—and will certainly run into the tens of thousands of dollars.

As of today, there is an urgent and immediate need for at least $20,000 to cover costs associated with attorney fees and those of the law guardian who has been appointed to represent the children.

If he is unable to pay these fees by August 11, he will be forced to relinquish custody of his children.

This case is of concern to anyone whose sexuality does not fit the standard mold—because it could happen to you. This case is of concern to all writers, because Jefferson’s blog is being used as evidence against him—and that could have repercussions for our First Amendment rights.

Here’s how to help:

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

There you will find out how to donate to Jefferson’s Defense Fund via PayPal or if you prefer, check or money order.

Please note that you MUST mention that your donation be used for the JEFFERSON LEGAL DEFENSE FUND.

One Life, Take Two has been relaunched with information about Jefferson’s ongoing case. Be sure to visit his blog for updates. In the meantime, you can contact Friends of Jefferson directly at friendsofjefferson@gmail.com.

Feel free to copy this and post it to your blog or any email lists Or link back to this post. More graphics may be found here.

Technorati Tags: custody, divorce, parenting, Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

HNT

Back from vacation, missing Southern breezes, contenting myself with my city ceiling fan.

Abby Winters

Kirra and Naomi E.

Fleshbot and Summer Vacation

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot gets it up for cock. Reading these stories, you realize that dick is not always a simple animal.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find me imitated, inspirational and frustrating.

Sakura and I enjoy being girls on a date that soon has our feet in the air.

Janie and I want to share a submissive boy. Candidates may apply to either blog.

Lynsey wakes up with a hangover and fewer cherries than when I last left her side.

Eden looks up from her sidewalk whipping post to smile at me.

Mariella polishes off her first knob polishing. I’m more of a blowjob man myself, so I brought in an extra cock for the occasion.

Bridget keeps it real.

Adam gives me a blowjob, or rather, he sends one my way. It was interrupted and remains unfinished, come to think of it, with a raincheck pending.

Reversing earlier denials, Avah comes clean to admit that she anonymously harassed another woman for over six months, and regrets that this adversely affected our relationship. She chalks it up to her youth, and there may be something to that—though I’ve seen people twice her age acting out no less viciously, with no more cause. I’m chalking it up to the consequences of living one’s intimate life in so public a forum as blogging. It’s just too easy to gain momentary satisfaction by venting anxieties better addressed in private, and neglecting how such actions may harm real people.

Not to dangle meat over the sharks who stalk, but that’s pretty much all you’ll read about it here. There’ll be no brutal tit-for-tat, no excruciating he-said-she-said, as our relationship is dissected for your entertainment. This may disappoint the hens who use my life and blog for gossip, as well as the bottom feeders who troll my life and blog for sex partners. Over on this side of the screen, there are two real people who blog as Avah and Jefferson. They care about each other, and they want to take care of that offline.

But for now, they are each on vacation. Avah is off on a long-anticipated month in France. I’m down south for my annual visit with family, collecting freckles and reminding my folks what their Yankee grandchildren look like.

Today my father asked, “Now, what are you going to do down here for all this time, with no women anywhere around?”

“You’ll never manage,” my brother agreed.

“Frankly,” I said, “I can use the vacation from that.”

My father laughed. My brother said, “Tell me all about it. I want to live vicariously through you.” He doesn’t know about this blog, of course, so I didn’t add that I think I’ll also enjoy the vacation from being vicariously lived through. For now, I’ll just live, and enjoy a fresh breath away from drama.

If life cooperates.

By the end of my first day back home, I’ve learned the following.

My mother’s empty nest has been filled with Maltese dogs. Nine of them.

My seventeen-year-old nephew is planning a shotgun wedding with the eighteen-year-old girlfriend he knocked up. He also wants to adopt her first baby by another man—boy?—even as he seeks visitation rights with the son he had last year with his sixteen-year-old ex-girlfriend.

My daughter, the teenage bride, hasn’t spoken with her husband in two months.

Already, New York is looking much more relaxing.

Training of O

The Training of O

HNT

In search of beer, Meg and I wandered Folsom Street East until we found ourselves in venerable gay leather redoubt The Eagle. We drank Stellas on the roof, where she snapped this picture of my foot being inserted into men.

Blake Mason

Dean and Will

Fleshbot and Pride Weekend

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot gleams with the sweat of summer lovers, those flings and obsessions who may or may not be kicking your leaves come autumn.

My colleague Jonno at Fleshbot added his own contribution with the trailer to the soft-core treat Summer Lovers. When this film came out, I had just graduated high school and worked as an usher in a movie theater. I quickly timed all the right moments to pop in for views of Peter Gallagher, Daryl Hannah and Valérie Quennessen sunning naked and “making love” (a once-popular phrase for sex). This pop-culture primer on polyamory taught me that triads are peachy so long as everyone is gorgeous and at least one partner is French.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find me listed and bruising.

Mariella takes markers to mirror to document her first hickey.

Jocasta surveys a busy month and inventories me among things recently done.

If you prefer stalking me in the flesh, you’re in luck, as this is a busy weekend for New York City perverts. Today finds me at Coney Island for the Mermaid Parade, ever a supporter of the public display of naked painted breasts. Tonight, I’m volunteering at Leather Pride Night, moving among the bears and daddys, looking like a vegan at a luau. Tomorrow finds me at Folsom Street East.

Planning ahead, you can stalk me in August at Floating World, where I am teaching three classes, described below. I am recruiting female and male volunteers to bite or be bitten and/or to be poked in public. I don’t require demo bottoms for the class on male bisexuality, but if you are a bisexualish bottom, hell, it can’t hurt to drop a line.

Well, it might hurt a little.

Jefferson’s Floating World Classes

G-Spot and P-Spot, Thrills and Spills
Some deny its existence. Others swear by it. In recent years, the female G Spot has ignited storms of controversy-even as it has been stimulated to countless orgasms. Stimulating the P Spot, or prostate, can bring many men to extreme arousal. This hands-on (or rather, hands-in) session cuts past the verbiage to get down to business. Learn how to locate your own spot and that of your partner, as well as techniques to make the most of this erogenous zone. Please note that this session will include nudity and sexual activity, as well as opportunities for audience participation.

Odd Man In: Male Bisexuality on the Scene
In the sexually open scenes that overlap within the Floating World community, there remain conflicting and contradictory attitudes concerning male bisexuality, as a form of self-identification and in sexual practice. These attitudes particularly affect anyone who identifies as male, or is in a relationship with someone who identifies as male. This open and frank session addresses prevalent notions and offers strategies to bring male bisexuality into play, within scenes, within relationships, and within personal lives. The session draws on academic studies, personal experience and world travel. This workshop is open to all.

Chewtoy: Erotic Biting
If a nibble on the neck sends shivers down your spine, you’re already aware of the sensuous appeal of being bitten. Likewise, if kissing leads you to nip and tug on your lover’s lips, you may be ready to unleash your inner gnasher. Erotic biting brings a primal urge into play that can be directed to a variety of controlled sensations, and even into decorative temporary body modifications through determined marks and bruises. Learn how to safely and effective bite and/or be bitten and discuss how erotic biting can be applied to your favorite activities.

Sex and Submission

Lorelei

Fleshbot and Father's Day

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot chases the superstitions from a Friday the thirteenth weekend by dropping in on those who get lucky. Apparently all it takes is planning, perseverance and, well, luck.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find me sharing and being shared, as you do.

The deflowering of Mariella continues with her first public display of affection and her first threesome with the first woman she ever touched, kissed, tasted, and all those fine ways one says howdy to a new friend.

If Janie has anything to say about it, this is the launch of a mutual admiration society—and to think it all began with the passing of notes and cock.

I’m enjoying a fine Father’s Day weekend with the kids. Today we are all hungover from a day at Six Flags with Bridget. She organized the day–long outing and proposed that we attack the park in two groups: she would mind Collie and Lillie, leaving Jason and me to focus on the roller coasters. We would regroup for lunch and rides we could all enjoy together.

Now, as a single dad, I really appreciated the genius of her plan. Without Bridget, the alternative plan might have been to allow Jason to bring a friend so that he could ride the coasters. We would’ve parted company in the morning and regrouped when the park closed. That’s what solo parents do as their kids grow up.

Instead, we big boys were set loose on the park. Jason determined that we should not only ride the coasters, but also ride them in the front seat. This gave us the shared experience of screaming in terror repeatedly, and hours of talking as we stood in lines. Time with a child is my kind of Father’s Day gift.

Even if I wonder what one does when a dreamy teenager jokes about his mother’s pot smoking.

Bridget also had her share of spills and chills with “our” kids.

I’d tell you more now, but Father’s Day calls for a special brunch. And since the kids are calling for food, I’m off to the kitchen.

Abby Winters

Isla

Fleshbot and Hydrants

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot goes calling on committed couples, finding that for some, company is always welcome.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find my parts left to those in need,. The aged and lurid Lynsey gets dibs. Her blog is now open by invitation only; you can request access at sticksy@mac.com. Tell her an organ donor sent you.

Mariella is introduced to her second cock and finds that while she may be a neophyte, she’s already a marathon runner.

It’s ninety-four degrees in New York today. Firefighters have opened the hydrant at the corner, and children are stripped to their underwear to play in the stream. Salsa music wafts through my open window, where I sit, naked and waiting for breezes.

Sometimes, New York is so much like itself.

Training of O

Maya Mathews

Volunteers

I have an idea for which I'm going to need about two hundred volunteers. Some Japanese required.

Abby Winters

Tamika

Fleshbotless

Sorry folks, no Sex Blog Roundup this week. I was running late and Fleshbot headquarters closed early. I must get accustomed to sex’s summer schedule. Please pass my white loafers.

Still, those of you who enjoy stalking me will find plenty to read.

Mariella ponders the new reality of sucking her first real live dick, trying to navigate the boundaries between “just right” and “lap full of puke.”

Bianca, craving romance within a relationship, puts aside other opportunities for sex—although she does grandfather Tilda and me into her contract.

Wendy runs into me at a party as she contemplates anal sex and brass balls.

Alice flunks a test I insisted she take, to her confused relief.

Bridget tells us more about daily life with her fine husband, wondering at his friendship with me.

While in Chicago for Shibaricon, I met a long-time reader of our blogs. We wound up taking Mariel back to our hotel room for tits—in the flesh, not on the radio—and lacings.

In other stalking news, my experiment with Twitter goes much as expected. I’ve been chided for Twittering when I had not first answered email, seen my cock blogged in real time, and read along with Rachel Kramer Bussel’s every cupcake. Next: live webcam feeds as I brush my teeth, twice daily.

This week, I read Bridget Jones’s Diary, which I found collecting dust as I was packing for my recent move. I had never read it, nor have I seen the movie, much less the sequels. Not my cuppa, really, but still, v.g. for riding the tube. Durr!

Putting the book away, I squeezed it into place on my fiction shelves, which are arranged alphabetically by author. Just as Bridget bounces between Daniel Cleaver and Mark Darcy, perhaps Helen Fielding will keep things light between William Faulkner and Jonathan Franzan. Sort of like Abby Lee and Stan Lee are cutting it up in the middle of nonfiction.

Male Bisexuality on the Scene

Male bisexuality faces a double standard within kink communities. Whereas female bisexuality is encouraged—indeed, presumed—male bisexuality is often denied or suppressed.

A couple of years ago, I started teaching a class on the place of male bisexuality within alternative sex cultures. Next Tuesday, June 3, I’m teaching it in New York for the first time, at TES. Expect an open and wide-ranging discussion as participants speak from their experiences.

Find out more at the TES website. The class is open to all. Drop me a line if you plan to attend.

Hogtied

Hogtied

I could do this. I think I could do this. But I need to practice . . . any volunteers?

Fleshbot and Ropes

This week's Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot asks the question that dogs all: what if?

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find Mariella comparing me favorably to carnage, Tilda examining the carnage my belt did to her thighs, and Wendy enjoying the carnal delights of fisting the new boy at my orgy.

Those you who truly can't get enough of stalking me will find I've made it dirt simple by signing on to Twitter. You can sign up to follow me by subscribing. Now you can read what I am doing (or least, what I'll tell you I'm doing), just when I tell it, one hundred and forty characters at a time.

Just another sliver of my privacy, tweeted to you, dear readers.

Meanwhile, in that spirit, I'll tell you exactly where I am at this moment. I am in Chicago for Shibaricon, where I am learning to be more awesome with ropes. The classes are going well, and darned if I'm not teachable. I'm making good use of my Venus Ropes.

Training of O

Adrianna Nicole

Abby Winters

Natasha M.

Fleshbot and Catching Up

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot breaks a sweat by working out with the sex bloggers who keep us panting.

Last week’s Sex Blog Roundup—in case you missed it, as I missed you—rode the thrills, chills and spills of sex on the adventurous side.

The previous week’s Sex Blog Roundup—did I mention that I missed you? You got the flowers, right?—takes solace when the best laid plans go awry, though not without someone getting laid.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me have some catching up to do, as I catch up with friends when not moving or settling in.

Jocasta finds alien panties and wonders from whence they came. Welcome to my world, sister.

Kansas puts me in the good company of her favorite “boy blog crushes.” I can’t speak for her other boys, but for this one at least, the road to reciprocity is well mapped.

Lynsey discovers the hazards of serving biscuits and sees a grown man cry over spilled bourbon.

Meanwhile, Janie ends an experiment with abstinence and sees a grown man slumber after the administration of much bourbon, barbeque and blowjobs. (Warning: this post may elicit marriage proposals for our late bloomer. Don’t share with those seeking green cards or stationed in lonely outposts.)

Newlywed Bridget takes us on a honeymoon, leaving my family well-danced.

And just as Bridget goes bridal comes a new knock on my door. Mariella arrived bearing daisies. She left without her daisies, her panties or her virginity.

Those of you who prefer to stalk in person will find me joining my rope pals at ShabiriCon next weekend. This is a great learning opportunity for me, the perverted perpetual student still challenged by tying his shoes.

More to come. For now, I’m back to unpacking and pondering: how can a man own so many books and so few matching socks?

Sex and Submission

Sex and Submission

The pose, the expression, the perilous situation: this is classic John Willie.

HNT

By Tuesday of this week, I had made great progress in settling into my new apartment. As a reward for my efforts, I ventured downtown to celebrate the release of Tristan Taormino’s new book on polyamory, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. She interviewed me for the book, so I thought I should show up and get a copy if only to, you know, flip through the pages to see if I’m in it.

Never mind that Tristan is to sex writing as Hannah Montana is to backless gowns. Which is to say, a bigger deal than we remember to remember.

I was uncharacteristically early, and found a long line waiting to get into the event. Gift bags were promised to the first two hundred attendees. The event was so well attended that even by queuing for a nice long while, I didn’t score freebies—no surprise, I guess, for a party celebrating a poly book. Everyone who came was sure to bring a few dates.

I settled into a banquette with friends. Not long afterwards, a burlesque performer danced until she was well past naked. I gave her a dollar and she shoved her discarded panties under my nose. They smelled like lavender. I didn’t get her name more than once or twice. I remember asking and being grateful each time she said it.

I caught up with friends. The bar, Happy Endings Lounge, was established on the site of a former massage parlor. A sauna was converted into a sitting area. As the evening went on and rounds were exchanged, Tilda decided she really, really liked my leather belt. Lynsey liked how much Tilda liked my belt. So as Lynsey perched on a tile bench to watch, I removed my belt to beat Tilda. A crowd formed, as might happen when you thrash someone in public as a stick artist grows googly eyes.

Tilda took a solid whooping. Lynsey took a solid eyeful.

I wouldn’t know beans about beating if Lolita didn’t take care in educating me. That night, Lolita took this photo of my foot out in public. Ace of Hearts likes to tickle, so here, he gives my sole a soulful wiggle. Not so much into the boys, our Ace, but as you see, soul brothers is soul brothers.

Abby Winters

Corelle

HNT

With my camera not functioning and my feet otherwise occupied, my left hand makes its HNT debut with this image from my files.

That's right, my left . . . none other than Rosie Palms.

HNT

It’s moving day.

Most of my life is neatly boxed into a mausoleum of sequestered belongings, each crypt marked with scribbled legends of the bones within. This is the stuff that follows me from my family’s first home after divorce, some of it mine for decades—my once impressive comic book collection now diminished to a few essentials boasting “still only twenty cents!”—but most of these things are recent acquisitions. When I left my marriage, I took nothing that my wife and I shared. Every fork, corkscrew and paper clip was too freighted with histories of gifts, purchases and compromises to be cleanly divided as marital property. I left it all behind.

Now, when I pick up something, I can know it’s mine. No one’s rash decisions or furious arguments will take these things away.

Moving from this apartment controlled by my ex’s family is another step in securing a future less trammeled by the past. Sorting and packing has been a chore, but when I unpack, it will be in a place my children and I can call home without anxiety about what their mother might do to compromise it.

Home will feel just that much safer.

I’m likely to be offline for a few days as I move and get settled. I’ll leave you for now with a happy memory from the past year: a photograph of the orgy debut of my boss boots. I have great memories of the brief time I lived in this temporary shelter from divorce. Those memories, like my boxed belongings, are secured to follow into what comes next.

Abby Winters

Natasha M.

Fleshbot and Fritz

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot finds those turning points that set us off in new directions. Sometimes it’s as simple as wearing something different; sometimes it’s all about treating the same old lover in entirely new ways.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find me watching the clock, wondering after the arrival of Tilda’s second gangbang of the day. What finally arrives proves worth the wait.

There’s also a new blog to stalk. You may recall the young woman who wrote to Time Out New York to thank the magazine for leading her to someone who could help her to orgasm. Now Alice has gone off to start her own sex blog. You can read about our first encounter and stick around for more, as the girl gets around.

Speaking of new things, this is my last week in my current apartment. Next week will find me in different digs and, more than likely, offline for a few days.

This week the kids enjoyed spring break, which included their last night in the apartment. While they are at their mother’s home, I’ll finish packing and move. When they next come home to Dad’s place, it will be at a new address.

It was the last time we will all live in the place in which each of the three children was conceived. I didn’t put too fine a point on that fact—though, I confess, it had me feeling sentimental. We declared our final night to be a party. We ordered in pesto pizza drizzled in corn, mozzarella sticks and Greek salads, poured rivers of fruit punch, and remembered some of our favorite moments in the place we know so well. The kids say they are happy to be moving on; I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for a smooth transition.

This being a busy time, of course things are bound to go wrong. First my camera went on the fritz. I suppose it must’ve been jostled or dropped as the kids documented Bridget’s wedding, or maybe it just grew weary of the weekly sight of my feet. Alas, the move will go undocumented in photographs.

Then, on the morning after our family farewell party, I awoke to find Lillie passed out on my bed. On my way to make coffee, I found my desk littered by two empty water bottles, a wad of paper towels and a keyboard that no longer worked. That’s funny, I thought. Everything was just fine when the boys and I gathered to watch “Lost,” leaving the computer to Lillie.

I can’t do without a keyboard, so when the boys awoke, I made a quick trip to pick up a replacement. I junked the old keyboard, installed the new one and downloaded its software, all before Lillie rustled from her slumber.

When I heard her giggling with the boys, I joined the kids. “Good morning, Lillie,” I smiled. “You must’ve been up late last night. Did you sneak to the computer when I was asleep?”

“Yes,” she giggled. “It’s spring break.”

“I know!” I nodded. “So, did anything unusual happen with the computer?”

Her brow furrowed. “No . . .” she began, before catching my drift. She giggled again. “Um, okay, yes.”

I bit my lip. “Something to do with water, maybe?”

“Dad, you already know!” she laughed. She paused and asked, “Is it broken?”

I nodded. “I’m afraid so. Computers don’t like water. But luckily, it was just the keyboard and I’ve got a new one now. But can we have a rule? No more drinking at the desk.”

She agreed. Later, as she visited her favorite websites, she kept a cup of water on a table across the room. She would type, leave the desk to take a sip, and return to the computer. I thanked her for obeying the rule. She told me she liked the new keyboard much better than the older one. “That’s a nice spin,” I said, “But let’s try to make this one last.”

Now, only Daddy is allowed to drink as he writes. Such are the vagaries of the bourbon-sipping smut monger.

Back to packing.

HNT

It started as a nibble, a little way to tingle her skin. But my mouth became aroused and got the better of us.

Cinema Erotique

Julia Dzwika

Abby Winters

Freya

Poor Connection

We were in bed enjoying post-coital bourbons when she began to muse on her desire to be dominant. “Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy how submissive I feel with you,” she said, touching my forearm. “But I also wonder what it would be like to be the one in charge. I think I’d like having someone bowing in front of me, kissing my boots as I whipped him.” She rested her glass in her bare sternum. “I know, that sounds incredibly clichéd.”

“Why should that be cliché?” I asked. “That’s a perfectly fine fantasy, and perfectly realizable. But you’ve never done anything like that, have you?”

She took a sip. “No,” she swallowed. “No, the most I’ve done is like this, being submissive. Maybe a little bit of bossing men around in bed, but nothing very extreme.” She took another sip. “I’ve certainly never whipped anyone. I wouldn’t know how.”

“It’s something you can learn,” I said. “I didn’t know anything either until I started learning.”

She turned to me. “You could teach me that, couldn’t you?”

“Well, there are more experienced teachers,” I demurred. “But yes, I know enough to get you started.” I sipped my drink and thought for a moment. “You know what we need? We need a submissive to work on together. A teaching submissive.”

“Really?” she sat up. “Really? Because that would be perfect. Wouldn’t it? We could team up and really work holy hell on someone. I’d learn a lot from that.”

I turned and leaned on an elbow. “Yeah, let’s think that through. I’d really enjoy doing this with you. We’re having a great time together. This would be a fun project for us.”

“Yeah! Let’s do it.” She raised her glass. I clinked mine to hers and leaned to kiss her cheek. I fucked her ass to seal the deal.

That night we drew up a wish list for our submissive. I suggested that we start by looking for someone with whom neither of us had a preexisting history. That way, we could find a recruit who was dedicated to serving us equally, without interfering with our other relationships. She agreed and added that she would prefer a man if possible, as she wasn’t sure she felt ready to dominate a woman. Fine by me, I said—even better if he’s someone we can “force” to be bisexual. Hot! she exclaimed. Hell yeah, I nodded. We decided to see what might come our way online.

She sat on my lap as we composed an ad.

Attractive, creative, educated couple seeks submissive boy for our shared use.

“Nice,” she said, squeezing my cock. I kissed her shoulder blade and continued typing.

You will be expected to serve us together, as a servant to the pleasure we already share. You can expect to be our sexual plaything at our discretion, or you may simply be ignored as we enjoy one another’s company. You will take care of our basic needs, such as refilling our drinks, changing our sheets and generally proving useful. He will use your flesh to teach her to flog, cane and whip, so you must be willing to submit to the lash.

I squeezed her breast. “Anything else?” She leaned forward to type.

Enthusiasm more important than experience.

“Right,” I nodded. “Oh, and one more thing.” I reached for the keyboard.

Some domestic duties required.

“Really?” she asked.

“My bathroom doesn’t scrub itself, you know.” I hit send and patted her hips. “Come on, let’s get back to drinking and screwing. We can check responses tomorrow.”

The next morning, I made coffee as she stayed in bed. Although we awoke to sex, she had decided to forego a shower, preferring to head to her office smelling of us. I stroked semen from her hair as we kissed goodbye at the door.

As expected, there were dozens of responses waiting when I signed on. I poured a second cup of coffee and began to weed through my inbox. By the time I returned for my third cup, my trash was filled with men who expressed a readiness to fuck my “wife,” men who weren’t interested in being submissive but hoped we would forego that requirement after considering photographs of their cocks, and one-line replies asking ‘sup, are you for real, how about tonight. Such is the white noise of trash when a woman is mentioned in the mix.

I was left with a few contenders. I asked a muscular young man to tell us more about his oral fixation. A graduate student alluded to his quest to serve smart people. An artist asked if he could show his devotion by sketching us as he waited in service.

One man wrote simply, “Can we talk on the phone? I have a few specific questions that are better discussed that way.”

He had no way to know of my own peculiar aversion to telephones, which I regard with a wariness reserved for traps waiting to be sprung. Once I’m on a phone call, manners preclude me from rushing it to a conclusion. If we spoke, I would be stuck until this stranger had his say. It was just after nine. I had work waiting. I sent a quick reply.

Thank you for your response. I don’t have time for a phone call this morning. Please tell us more about your interests and experiences. Also, we require a photograph.

He replied quickly.

I can’t send a pic. I must be discreet. I have an important job. Please, a call will just take a moment. I will know quickly if this is a good match.

“Discreet.” I supposed this meant he was married. This wasn’t an issue for me, but I knew it was a deal breaker for my friend. I took another sip of coffee and steeled my dom manner.

We appreciate your need for discretion. You should respect our wishes. I can not waste time on phone calls this morning. I asked simple questions you can answer via email. Now I add another: are you married? That doesn’t work for us.

Again, his reply was instant.

Sir, please. I promise our conversation will be brief.

“Sir.” Another strike—why should he presume to address me as “sir?” I finished my coffee and opened my work. The prospective submissive could wait until I had time for him.

Another email swiftly followed.

Sir, my questions are few. I can only talk for a moment. May I please call you?

Call me? No one calls me. Everyone knows my phone works in one direction only. I drew a breath and exhaled. Maybe I should just get this over with and get on with the day.

I’ll give you five minutes. What’s your number?

He answered in a moment.

Sir, I can’t receive calls. I am at my office. Please give me your number and I will call you.

I didn’t like this at all. But I had taken on the task of recruiting a submissive, and that meant taking the time to vet applicants. I relented, and gave him my number, along with instructions that he was never to call without permission. My cell rang instantly. The caller id read “private caller.” He had blocked his number, which further irritated me. He had insisted on taking information from me, and I had none in return.

“Yes?” I answered. My ear was immediately filled with an electronic squall. His voice hid somewhere in its center.

“Thank you for allowing me to call, sir.” I strained to hear him over the poor connection. His voice was deep and accented. He spoke in a hush.

“This will be short,” I said tersely. “And you’ll have to speak up.”

“Thank you, sir. I promise, I only have a few questions." His voice remained low. "I know specifically what I need to make this work for me. I’m sure it will be better if we are all clear about these things from the beginning. Otherwise, it can’t work. If it doesn’t work for me, I lose interest. That’s no good for me.”

“You’re wasting my time,” I said impatiently, already regretting that I had agreed to this call. “Ask your questions.”

“Thank you, sir. I know what will work for me. I hope you will accept my needs. You are a couple, is that correct?”

“The ad stated that,” I reminded him.

“Uh huh, I see. Is she you wife?”

“No.”

“Uh huh, I see. Is she your mistress?”

“Why are you so concerned about the nature of our relationship?”

“Sir, I need to know that you are a real couple. That’s important to me if I am to stay interested.”

I nestled the phone against my shoulder and returned to my email. “We are a real couple. Any more questions?”

“Yes, sir, thank you.” A spike in the surface noise made me wince. “When you meet with a submissive, are you nude? Or do you wear clothes?”

I opened another email and read it. “We dress as we choose,” I replied absentmindedly.

“So you do wear clothes?”

“Or we are nude. This is our choice.”

“Oh, well, you see, that wouldn’t work for me. It’s very important that only I am nude. I don’t like to see other people’s genitals. It’s . . .” He said something I couldn’t hear. I didn’t bother asking him to repeat it.

“Fine then, we can wear clothes.” I sent an email and opened another.

“Thank you, sir. Do you have uniforms, or do you wear street clothes?”

“Uniforms?” My ear was numb. I transferred the phone to another shoulder. “No, we don’t have uniforms.”

“Oh, you see, that wouldn’t work for me. I prefer uniforms.”

“I suppose this isn’t a good match then,” I said impatiently.

“No, wait, perhaps we can make it work. Do you own black clothes?”

“This is New York. Of course we own black clothes.”

“Do you have them in leather, or rubber?”

“Neither. But we wouldn’t be averse to you providing them as gifts.”

“Oh, you see, that wouldn’t work for me. You would need to have the clothes on when I arrived.” He paused. Something scratched the microphone of his receiver. “Do you have black pants and a shirt? What would she wear?”

“I have those things, yes.” Another email sent. “I know she has a black dress.”

“No, a dress won’t work. I can’t have a dress in the room. She would need to wear slacks, or I would lose interest.”

“Okay.” My voice indicated that I had already lost interest.

“Is that acceptable, sir? That she could wear slacks?”

“I’ll ask her. Are you finished with your questions?”

“No sir, thank you, just a few more, please. Now, my master and mistress would be dressed, and I would be nude. Would you ignore my genitals, or touch them?”

“That would be up to our discretion.”

“But sir, what do you think would happen? Would you ignore my genitals, or touch them, or maybe torture them?”

I had run out of emails to answer. “I suppose we would torture them.”

“Oh sir, that wouldn’t work for me. It’s very important that you both ignore my genitals. My problem is that I’m a premature ejaculator. If you touch me, it’s over for me, and I lose interest.”

“Understood.”

“Of course, you can touch me at the end. That would be acceptable.”

“Understood.” I stood and paced. “Your five minutes are over. Any more questions?”

“Just a few, thank you sir. Now, your wife, or your mistress . . . is she slender or heavy?”

“My partner is slender.”

“Oh, see, that wouldn’t work for me. I prefer a heavy woman, a thick woman.”

I stopped pacing. I could accommodate many requests, but I couldn’t alter my friend’s body to suit him. “Why didn’t you simply say so at the beginning?” I said, clearly irritated. “Why ask me question after question if you have a specific preference? Why not just tell me what you have in mind?”

“Oh sir, but you see, this way I get the truth. You tell me the correct answer rather than what you think I want to hear.”

“I have no reason to lie to you.”

“I have to be careful,” he went on. “I can’t take risks. I’m a rabbi and my wife is unaware of this. I trust you can host?”

“Wait, what?” I pinched my brow. “You’re a rabbi?”

He paused. “This is a problem?” His receiver rustled again. I realized he was using it to scratch his beard.

I shook my head. “We prefer not to have a dress code imposed on us. We do not own uniforms. My partner doesn’t want married men and she’s not your preferred body type. We specifically requested a submissive for sexual use and you can’t provide that.”

“Please, there are compromises, sir . . .”

“I gave you five minutes and I answered your questions. This is clearly not a match. This concludes our telephone call. Do not call this number again. Good bye.” I hung up. My ears still rung from the background buzz of his connection.

I needed to clear my head. I took a short shower, washing away the sweet scent of morning sex and the cloying desperation of a submissive rabbi.

A new email was waiting when I returned to my computer.

It sounds like you don’t want to meet.