Parking

I stood on the corner, scanning a cluster of people preparing to cross the street. Some had wet hair, some held coffee mugs. Most wore expressions of early morning distraction as they went about the first steps of their commutes.

I didn’t see her lips. I opened my phone and typed, “I’m here.” Hitting send, I noticed a woman on the opposite corner open her phone. I had found her lips. She didn’t notice me, nor would she, as she had no idea what I looked like. I waited for the light to change and crossed to her side.

She smiled as her eyes caught me looking at her. “Good morning,” she said.

“Isn’t it?” I replied. I took her face in my hands and kissed her. I ran my lips across hers, lingering. I had been thinking of her lips for days and I wanted to savor this first taste.

“Hmm, not here.” She pulled back and looked to her side. “This is my daughter’s school. It wouldn’t do to be caught kissing here.”

“Ah, right. Well, then let’s kiss elsewhere. Come with me.” I took her hand and began walking. She fumbled to put away her phone, laughing that she was nervous. I smiled at her. “Good. I like nervous. Come on now, we don’t have much time.”

She had written to me that she was glad to see my blog return and to congratulate me on the outcome of my custody case. She had been reading for a while, having first learned of it through her friend, Phillip, with whom I had traded a few notes as well. She’s known Phillip for most her life, she told me, and they are very good friends; so much so, she went on, that her husband is a little jealous of their friendship. “So we have to play it down in front of him,” she said. “My husband is too much the jealous type. Which is inconvenient now that we have an open relationship. I’m only allowed to flirt with girls and even that is the cause of endless negotiation. It’s hardly worth the effort! Fortunately, I’ve got a great girlfriend now, and he approves. She’s married, too. We’ve got a lot in common.”

“It’s a shame your flirtation is restricted,” I said. “Are you any good at it?”

“I don’t think I’m going to be able to avoid flirting with you, Jefferson,” she replied. “I’m afraid your writing has me too turned on for that.”

“Perhaps you should get your husband’s permission to flirt with me,” I suggested. “I’d hate to cause trouble.”

“That would definitely cause trouble,” she averred. “So I’m just going to flirt without permission. A girl likes to have some secrets.”

“I don’t mind being a secret. Let’s see how well you flirt.” Our correspondence heated up, for it turned out that she flirts very well. She casually dropped a link to a site including her photos. When I failed to notice, she directed me to the link, shaming me for being such a poor stalker. “I may not be much of a stalker,” I said. “But I do know pretty when I see it. And you, my friend, are very pretty. Look at your lips!”

“Thanks. I think my lips are my best feature.”

“I can see why. My gosh, they are so full and seem so soft. They give you a sensuous look. Are your lips as soft as they seem?”

“Yes, I’ve been told they are very soft.”

“Are you much of a kisser? Because it would be a waste to have such lovely lips and be an untalented kisser.”

“I’ve been told that I’m a very good kisser.”

“I’ll be the judge of that. Let’s make a kissing date. Would you need permission for that?”

“Hmm, let’s just have a kissing date. My secret.”

Our date was not to last long. She had about half an hour before she needed to leave for her office. I led her to a side street where my car was waiting. “Get in the back seat,” I said, walking to the other side of the car. I realized, too late, that I had failed to open the door for her. My manners were slipping in my haste to have her kiss.

“Your car is very cozy,” she said, bouncing slightly. “Very clever idea, kissing in the back seat.”

“It’s rather high school, isn’t it? I thought it might add to the illicitness of our date.” I leaned forward. “And well timed too, because in half an hour, any car parked on this street could be ticketed. This will keep us on schedule.” My lips touched hers.

“You really do think of everything,” she murmured in my mouth.

“Yes,” I whispered into her. “Now shut up and kiss me.”

She hummed in response. Her lips were as soft as they looked. I nibbled slightly, eliciting a contented coo. I lowered my mouth to her neck, feeling her quiver as I kissed and lightly licked her skin. I bit faintly. “No marks,” she moaned. “Remember, secret . . .”

“But you do like to be marked,” I said, brushing her ear with my cheek. “It’s obvious.”

“Desperately,” she replied. “But I can’t have marks.”

“You can’t have visible marks,” I corrected. “Secret marks are different.”

“Secret . . . ?” she began, but her question was lost in my mouth. I held her face tight in my hands, feeling the warmth of her rising temperature. I closed my eyes and gave over to our kiss. “Look,” she said after a while. “We’ve steamed the windows.”

I glanced up. “So we have. It’s all you. Your body is so warm.” I ran a finger across the slick perspiration on her sternum.

“I know.” She blew a curl from her face. “It’s a little embarrassing.”

“On the contrary.” I licked her collarbone. “It makes me want to kiss you in July. In a sauna.” Her breathing accelerated as I kissed her neck, my hand massaging her hip. She raised a leg to my lap, grazing my pants.

“You’re so hard,” she observed, looking down.

“I’m very aroused,” I agreed, biting into her shoulder through her low-cut top.

“I’m sorry, I have to see . . .” She hurriedly unbuckled my belt and unfastened my jeans. “Wait, I just . . .” she said to herself before slowly unzipping me. “Oh God, that’s just so . . .” With that, she bent to take my cock in her mouth.

“Look at you, look at you,” I said, running my fingers through her curly hair. “Such a pretty little cocksucker.” I pet her hair and leaned back, letting her suck me. “This is just a kissing date, something sweet and innocent,” I reminded her. “But look at what a slut you are.” She moaned, grabbing my leg. “It’s going to be difficult to abide by your guidelines if you disobey them yourself.”

She took her mouth from me. “Secret,” she breathed, then returned to sucking my cock.

“That’s right,” I stroked her hair. “You’re secretly blowing your secret. No one knows.” I turned my head. A man got into the car behind mine, turned the engine and pulled away. He glanced my way, seeing only, I assumed, an indistinct shape through steamed windows.

I lightly touched her ear, watching as her head bobbed. She really is pretty, I thought. I took her hair in my fist and pressed the back of her neck. She took me into her throat. “Such a slutty faggot cocksucker,” I mused. “Can’t control herself. I just wanted a kiss and now she sucks my cock.” She gurgled appreciatively.

“Come here.” I lifted her hair. Spittle connected her lips to my cock as she gasped. “I want more kisses,” I said, bringing her mouth to mine. Her kiss was hot and wet, really more of an interrupted blowjob than a proper kiss. I pulled back on her hair. “Open,” I directed. She opened her mouth. I put three fingers on her tongue and pushed back. She swallowed quietly as my hand entered her throat. I help it there. “Good.” I took a breast in my hand and squeezed. She turned her eyes to watch mine, swallowing the slick saliva that pooled at my fingertips. “Good,” I repeated. I released her breast and moved my hand under her skirt. She was wearing no panties, as I has instructed. “You’re wet,” I told her.

She slid her mouth from my hand. “I’m sorry,” she said, coughing slightly. She moved my forearm from beneath her skirt. “But I promised someone I wouldn’t let you inside me today. I mean, inside me . . . there.”

“Oh, we can honor that promise.” I reached to shift my cock, still wet from her mouth, back into my open jeans. “So you did ask your husband for permission after all?”

“No, he doesn’t know.” She slumped forward slightly, smiling. “I’m being very naughty. No, this is another suitor. Someone who knows I’m with you and is really a little jealous about it.”

I gently took her breast in my hand. “Your girlfriend?”

“No.” She ran her hands through her curls. “Now you’ll think I’m really bad. I have another suitor.”

I shrugged. “That’s no concern of mine, except that your suitor has put a rule on you that affects me.”

“It’s just this one time. Like I said, my suitor is a little jealous that I’m with you.”

I touched her hair. “You’re rather intriguing, aren’t you?”

She laughed. “That’s a compliment coming from you.”

“Shh, shh, shh.” I took a fistful of hair. “Enough talk. Suck my dick.” As she returned to my cock, I pinched small bits of her scalp and gave her hair long, slow tugs. She responded by groaning on my cock. This girl, I knew, wanted to be marked. I sat back and let her blow me. I trained my eyes on the construction workers at the end of the block.

“Come here.” I pulled her hair, She sat up quickly, arching her back, poised to react. Smiling, I returned my fingers to her mouth. She eagerly accepted them. “You’ve given me such nice head. I want to give you something in return.” I pulled her head forward and kissed her neck. My mouth made its way into her hair. I found flesh at the base of her skull and bit. She grunted. Her teeth clamped on my fingers. I bit harder. I continued until she coughed on my hand.

I pulled away. “No visible marks,” I whispered in her ear. “No one knows about that mark but you and me. It’s secret.”

“Oh my God,” she said, rubbing her neck. “That’s so hot. I can already feel that; it’s really going to hurt.”

“I hope it hurts. You’ve been very nice to me.” I nodded toward her lap. “Thanks for wearing the skirt like I asked. Now lift it.” She leaned forward, took the hem of her skirt in her fingers and lifted. “You’re smooth,” I observed. “And you’ve got a nice piercing.”

“I’ve got navel jewelry, too,” she offered.

“Show me.”

She lowered her skirt and raised her shirt. “Nice,” I admired. “No restrictions on your navel.” I leaned forward to lightly bite her belly. I grabbed her naked thighs. “Are your nipples pierced?”

“No . . .”

“Show me.” She raised her shirt higher. I lifted her bra. “You have such pale nipples,” I admired. I squeezed one, watching her squirm. “Good.” I bent forward to taste it, biting softly.

“Unh,” she moaned. “You can bite harder.” I bit much harder. Her thighs wriggled under my hands. “Oh, you make me want to do bad things, to be marked. But I can’t, I can’t.”

I sat back. “Your husband.”

She adjusted her bra. “And my suitor. I promised I’d behave.”

“A promise is a promise.”

She nodded, adjusting her clothes. “Do you want to know who my suitor is?”

“If you care to tell me. I’m not likely to know her.”

“Him.” She wiped her brow. “It’s Phillip.”

“You friend Phillip? The one who reads my blog?”

She nodded. “It’s complicated. We’ve known each other forever and always really liked one another, just so much. But he was married and I was married. Things got complicated last year. My husband got really jealous of him, and then Phillip, he and his wife broke up. So he was available, and my marriage was open now, but still, my husband can’t stand the thought of me and Phillip.” She dropped her hands in her lap. “Phillip’s in love with me. My husband is afraid he’ll take me away.”

“Will he?”

Her lips smiled. “No. No, he won’t. Still, he wants to be my lover. And I want him, so much. So we’re going to have an affair.”

“Going to.” I repeated. “You haven’t initiated it yet.”

“No, but we will soon. That’s why he’s jealous that I’m with you now. Maybe he’s worried that you’ll take me away.”

I took her hand. “You seem to enjoy being desired. But no, I’m not going to take you away from your husband, and I’m not going to take you away from your lover.” I thought a moment. “Though, I may steal your girlfriend.”

“No, no,” she giggled. “She’s married and not nearly as much fun as me.”

“Okay. Then maybe I’ll have sex with your lover instead.”

“Now, that I would really love to see,” she laughed.

“Easily done,” I began. “The two of you can suck my cock, and then you can sit on his face as I fuck his ass. Has he ever . . .” I was cut off by a loud whoop. I looked over my shoulder to see a police car. Two officers looked back at me. “Okay, party over.” I leaned back casually to zip up my jeans.

“Holy crap,” she said, lowering her face to my shoulder.

“Busted,” I said. “Come on, get out of the car. They just want us to move. Parking hours have ended.”

We kissed goodbye quickly on the sidewalk. “So, just to get this straight,” I said. “Your husband does not know about me, but your soon-to-be lover does. And both are jealous men.”

She raised a shoulder. “They both love me very much.”

I touched her face. “I don’t love you. I barely know you. But I am very likely going to be fucking you. Be sure you keep this as simple as you can.”

She nodded. “I will. I’m telling my husband nothing and I’m telling Phillip everything.”

“Are those the guidelines you will keep? Because I can tell Phillip myself. If I blog this, he will know.”

She took my hand. “He would be so jealous.”

“We may have to help him to share.” I kissed the lips that had steamed my windows. “Okay, get going. I need to move my car before I get a ticket.”

“Okay.” She kissed my cheek, smiled and began to walk away. I opened my car door. “Oh wait.” She stopped and turned to me. “Can I be Lola?”

“Excuse me?”

“Can I be Lola in your blog?”

I laughed. “Have a good day, Lola.”

FAQs

Below I have answered some frequently asked questions about my custody case. Please feel free to ask others or follow-up questions. I can't promise to answer all, but I am glad to answer those I can. Thanks for your continued interest and support.

How did your ex learn about your blog and sexuality?

My ex has always known about my sexuality. I was out as bisexual before we met, and we each discussed our sexual history during our first dates. In fact, our first several dates were threesomes with a male friend who then shared a bed with me. We subsequently double-dated him and his girlfriend and frequently had sex together. Several of these dates were videotaped.

As our relationship deepened, my ex and I agreed to be monogamous. Still, I continued to identify openly as bisexual for personal and political reasons. My bisexuality was frequently discussed when were in couples therapy for a few years following our wedding. The therapy was focused on our sexualities, dealing primarily with my ex’s aversion to intimacy and its impact on our transition to marriage and efforts to have a child.

At the time, I was a volunteer at the Hetrick-Martin Institute, an organization devoted to supporting GLBT youth. I was also caring for my boyfriend from high school days, who was then hospitalized and succumbing to AIDS. My ex knew him well; she was fully aware that he and I had been lovers and continued to love one another deeply. Eighteen months after his death, we named our first child in his memory.

My sexuality has never been a secret to my ex.

The existence of this blog, however, was a revelation to her. My ex learned of my blog in March 2008, when it was included in a Time Out, New York feature on “secret lives.” She visited the site frequently between this discovery in March and her subsequent filing in late June. Her IP address shows that she clicked through to related blogs. Even though she knew of my bisexuality and interest in group sex, she may have been surprised to read about it in such detail. But if so, she made no mention of it to me. Instead, she contacted attorneys and filed for custody three months later, coincident with the beginning of a planned two-month sabbatical from her job. I was served with papers upon returning from a vacation with my children.

Why has a psychiatric evaluation been ordered, and what does that entail?

My ex requested that a psychiatric evaluation be undertaken for me and for each of our three children. The judge ordered that there be evaluations of both parents, but not the children. My evaluation is to focus on my involvement in BDSM and polyamory, as described in my blog. The judge is concerned as to whether this type of activity comes from some kind of pathology.

We are told that we may each expect between ten and twenty sessions. All of our past medical and mental health records may be opened for review. A final report will be prepared for the court’s consideration.

There have been no concerns raised about my mental health other than those based on my sexuality and involvement with BDSM and polyamory.

Is involvement with BDSM evidence of a psychiatric disorder?

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is currently engaged in the DSM Revision Project, with the goal of removing political emphases in the discussion of BDSM and sexuality in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This manual is published by the American Psychiatric Association and used to establish diagnostic criteria for mental disorders. The current edition was published in 1994. The next edition is due in 2012, and a draft will be released for review in 2009.

The politics of sexuality and mental health have been contentious in the DSM’s history; so long as there is a presumption that sexuality is symptomatic of mental illness, whole populations are at risk of being diagnosed purely in terms of their sexuality. So it was that in the early 1970s, gay and lesbian activists, supported by the research of Alfred Kinsey and Evelyn Hooker, successfully sought to have homosexuality removed from the mental disorders listed by the DSM. Thanks to that generation of activists, a bisexual parent such as myself may not be at risk of losing custody due to his bisexuality being classified as pathology.

However, the current edition of the DSM continues to classify the vague "sexual disorder not otherwise specified.” It also targets paraphilias (sexual fetishes) and female hypoactive sexual desire disorder (low female sex drive). If you like to dress in rubber or would just as soon pass on sex tonight, the DSM supports classifying you as mentally ill on those grounds alone.

The DSM formerly defined epilepsy as a mental illness. If it continued to do so, and a parent is epileptic, a court would reasonably ask for a psychiatric evaluation of that parent in determining her suitability for custody.

I have written of my interest in BDSM and polyamory. Therefore, the court reasonably asks that my interests be examined for evidence of pathology. I am confident that pathology is not afoot in my case, and I welcome the proof that will come from the process of a psychiatric evaluation. Precedents are a tricky issue in custody cases, where the prevailing standard is “best interests of the child,” a standard that may be different for each child. But I hope that my success in this psychiatric evaluation helps other parents. I hope that it helps the community by making the case against a presumption of mental illness in BDSM and polyamory in the next edition of the DSM.

Why is the hourly rate for a psychiatric evaluation so expensive? I see a therapist in Manhattan, and she only charges $125 per session.

A psychiatrist undertaking a court-ordered evaluation is required to meet certain criteria. Past medical and mental health records must be reviewed, and a formal report made to the court. It may be necessary to appear before the judge. In this case, both parents must be evaluated by the same psychiatrist. Understandably, this extra work is reflected in the hourly rate.

Why the need for a legal defense fund?

These proceedings are expensive. My ex hopes to use that expense to her advantage.

My ex is from a wealthy family. Over the course of the past seven months, even in advance of these proceedings, she has used her family’s resources to wage a campaign of financial intimidation in hopes of gaining custody of our children.

When our marriage ended, I was sent to live in an apartment owned by my ex’s father. After she read the Time Out, New York article in March, her father brought pressure to force my family from the apartment. At the time, I was unaware of her discovery of my blog. Our divorce settlement stipulated joint custody of the children. This effort to remove us from our home was designed to make it impossible for me to maintain that agreement.

My ex and her father each recommended that I voluntarily surrender custody of the children and make arrangements to stay someplace else, perhaps on a friend’s couch. Instead, I found a comfortable three-bedroom apartment and moved. At no time did my ex or her family express any interest in where the children and I might live. The strategy of winning custody by making me homeless failed.

Knowing that the sudden move had left me financially vulnerable—obviously, it would, and I had written as much in my blog—my ex then filed for full custody. She chose to do so by filing an emergency order to show cause. Such orders are necessary when children are in immediate danger and the court’s quick action is necessary. At no time did my ex or her family express to me any concern about the children’s safety and welfare. Indeed, as my ex worked with her attorneys on preparing this motion, I was out-of-state with my children on vacation. During the three months my ex had known about my blog, no effort was made to deter this vacation in light of a perceived “emergency.”

I learned of the motion late one afternoon and was expected in court the following morning. My ex also chose not to file in family court in an added effort to make the process as expensive and protracted as possible. Had she filed in family court, it would not have been necessary for me to have an attorney, and a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation would have been provided by the court, were it deemed necessary. Again, my ex and her family assumed that by taking the most expensive route possible, they could take advantage of my financial disadvantage.

Only after that initial court date did I learn that the motion was based wholly and entirely on my blog. The motion alleged that I could not be a fit parent due to my sexuality and sexual activity. The motion, which is as thick as a phone book, is replete with incendiary sexual language. In fact, the motion mentioned my bisexuality four times, orgies nine times, pornography three times and sex twenty-eight times. The word “hypersexual” was used eleven times. By contrast, the phrase “best interests of the children” appeared only three times.

A subsequent addition to the motion alleged my practice of the fetish “blooding,” which was defined as the use of blood as a lubricant during intercourse. Not only had I never written of any such interest, I had never heard of a fetish for “blooding.” I’ve Googled the term and asked around. No one seems to know about it. Having apparently coined the term, my ex’s attorneys are free to define it as they wish. Clearly, the hope was to shock the judge by ascribing this invented fetish to me.

The motion was reviewed by the legal experts of the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund. Given the extraordinary emphasis on my sexuality, the absence of any other claims against my abilities as a parent, and the motion’s acknowledgment that I am in fact a good parent, the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund created a fund to support the case.

How are free speech issues involved?

The claims against me are based entirely on my writing. Long-time readers of my blog know that I write not only about sex, but also about parenting. This dual focus is reflected in the blog’s subtitle. They know that I have written repeatedly on the segregation of my two lives. They also know that this blog has documented my trying relationship with the mother of my children.

Having perused the blog over several months, my ex is fully aware that it documents her actual behavior and actions. She is therefore interested in curtailing my writing.

In any other instance, her hands would be tied. The right to free speech would be hard to contest, as my writing is in no way slanderous or false. However, in custody cases, free speech is considered alongside the best interests of the child. In a custody case, the court may order me to cease or curtail my writing.

As this has to do with custody, sexuality and the Internet, we are in largely uncharted waters. My lawyer is beginning to research the issue and has not yet found any on point precedent for this situation. My case facts seem to present a “case of first impression” with respect to First Amendment freedom of expression and prior restraint law. As a restriction on a parent’s writing would have constitutional implications, the defense of free speech in this case could have a very broad impact.

How are you holding up?

Ever optimistic, thanks. My greatest concern in keeping this blog has been that my ex would discover it and sue for full custody. Now that she has done so (and done so, alas, with entirely predicted venom), I look forward to putting aside that anxiety once and for all with the reassertion of the original joint custody agreement.

Thanks again for your continued support.

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Questions?

It’s been suggested that I draft a FAQ sheet concerning my custody case, as there are many questions commonly raised and, in the absence of information, misinformation can spread. I’m limited in what I can say at this time, but there are many factors of concern to the larger community that I may speak about. For example, why is an interest in BDSM and polyamory questioned as possibly indicative of psychopathology? How can the sexuality of a parent be brought into a custody case? How are free speech issues a factor?

If you have questions you would like to see addressed, please drop a line. I’ll try to get to as many as possible.

Thanks again for your continued support.

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Psychiatric Fees

Does someone involved in BDSM or polyamory do so due to pyschopathology? That question will be addressed in the next phase of our custody case.

As anticipated, the judge has ordered psychiatric evaluations of each parent. In my case, this is called for due to the BDSM and polyamorous activities described in my blog.

As we go through this phase, each parent will meet individually with the psychiatrist for multiple sessions. How many sessions has yet to be determined, but it will be an extensive process. We are to make available all past and current medical and therapy records. We are told to expect that this process will take at least ninety days. So, come Christmas, we’ll likely still be at it.

While we hope that the law guardian, plaintiff's attorney and my own attorney can agree on a psychiatrist to conduct these studies at a reduced fee rate requested by the court, apparently there are not many doctors willing to accept those lower fees.

So far, we are being quoted standard or slightly reduced charges somewhere between four hundred and six hundred dollars an hour. This process generally involves ten to twenty hours of sessions for each parent. I’m responsible for paying half the total cost, and so face bills between four thousand and twelve thousand dollars.

I’m perfectly confident that, like the great majority of people involved in BDSM and/or polyamory, my sexuality is not compelled by pathology. I am confident that my sexuality does not adversely affect my abilities as a parent. I take great joy in the fact that my children are well adjusted and thriving.

That said, I appreciate the court’s desire to err on the side of caution when the best interests of children are concerned. The court should be assured of each parent’s mental health as we go forward in this matter.

Your support of my legal fund is most appreciated in this phase. While each parent undergoes this extensive process of psychiatric evaluation, there are not likely to be dramatic events to report. For the next ninety days or so, we will each be in private sessions. We won’t have an outcome to report until that concludes.

During this phase, your contributions will go to the psychiatrist as well as to the children’s law guardian and my own attorney.

After this phase, we will be faced with concerns directly relating to free speech and custody: what will the court decide about this parent’s right to write about parenting and sexuality in this blog?

Please feel free to post this appeal (or links to it) on your blogs, and to spread the word within groups and networks concerned with parenting, sexuality and free speech.

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Anita Wagner

Thanks to Anita Wagner—polyamory advocate, writer, spokesperson and educator—who writes of the broader implications of custody cases based on a parent's sexuality:

Jefferson is a bisexual man in New York City who is well known in the sex-positive, open relationship community. He is the father of three children of whom he shares custody with his ex-wife. Some time ago his ex came upon a no-longer-public blog he kept about his lifestyle activities. Despite the fact that he is an excellent father and in no way permits his children to come in contact with that aspect of his life, his ex-wife now seeks sole custody and a dramatically reduced visitation schedule based solely on his sexual orientation and form of sexual expression.

Jefferson wisely contacted Valerie White of the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund, and SFLDEF is accepting contributions on his behalf to fund this very costly child custody battle. I'd be surprised if his ex isn't also asking him to pay her attorneys’ fees on top of his own.

Jefferson also wisely contacted Leigha Fleming of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, who assists parents facing child custody challenges on a routine basis.

Please consider making a contribution to this man's legal fund by visiting the SFLDEF website. There is a link there where you can pay via Paypal—you will be able to designate your contribution to go to the Jefferson fund.

If you are in New York City, please consider attending the fundraiser being held for Jefferson tomorrow, Wednesday, August 27.

Child custody is by far the greatest legal problem facing people in open relationships. This could be a landmark case if Jefferson wins, so investing in Jefferson is a great investment for poly parents who may face similar challenges in the future.

HNT

By Tuesday of this week, I had made great progress in settling into my new apartment. As a reward for my efforts, I ventured downtown to celebrate the release of Tristan Taormino’s new book on polyamory, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. She interviewed me for the book, so I thought I should show up and get a copy if only to, you know, flip through the pages to see if I’m in it.

Never mind that Tristan is to sex writing as Hannah Montana is to backless gowns. Which is to say, a bigger deal than we remember to remember.

I was uncharacteristically early, and found a long line waiting to get into the event. Gift bags were promised to the first two hundred attendees. The event was so well attended that even by queuing for a nice long while, I didn’t score freebies—no surprise, I guess, for a party celebrating a poly book. Everyone who came was sure to bring a few dates.

I settled into a banquette with friends. Not long afterwards, a burlesque performer danced until she was well past naked. I gave her a dollar and she shoved her discarded panties under my nose. They smelled like lavender. I didn’t get her name more than once or twice. I remember asking and being grateful each time she said it.

I caught up with friends. The bar, Happy Endings Lounge, was established on the site of a former massage parlor. A sauna was converted into a sitting area. As the evening went on and rounds were exchanged, Tilda decided she really, really liked my leather belt. Lynsey liked how much Tilda liked my belt. So as Lynsey perched on a tile bench to watch, I removed my belt to beat Tilda. A crowd formed, as might happen when you thrash someone in public as a stick artist grows googly eyes.

Tilda took a solid whooping. Lynsey took a solid eyeful.

I wouldn’t know beans about beating if Lolita didn’t take care in educating me. That night, Lolita took this photo of my foot out in public. Ace of Hearts likes to tickle, so here, he gives my sole a soulful wiggle. Not so much into the boys, our Ace, but as you see, soul brothers is soul brothers.