Friday, April 13, 2007

Fleshbot and Taskmaster

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot heads south to meditate on the body. Turns out a lot of sex bloggers are using their brains to think about their skin.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find Anna and I at a loss for how to say goodbye, although our efforts went down well with chasers of vanilla. Also awkward with departures, Cody ponders the etiquette of farewells after a bukkake party.

Lily thanks her lucky stars that I introduced her to my man Mmmark.

Speaking of bodies, mine is aching in the places where it used to play.

Two weekends. Two journeys to dungeons.

Five nights. Five orgies.

That Jefferson is a tough taskmaster.

For a little over a week, being “Jefferson” was a full time job. I traveled to Baltimore one weekend for a dungeon play party—my first as a participant. The following weekend, I headed to DC to a sex conference at which I taught about sex . . . and, come to think of it, had sex with teachers.

In the intervening week, I prepared for my sessions, wrote some posts, and compiled sex blogs for Fleshbot. I managed to keep up a schedule of sex at least once or twice a day.

In between, I made money and raised children. I also fried chicken. Jefferson didn’t give me much time off, so I had to make good use of every moment.

I’m still getting accustomed to being “Jefferson” in public, and it was an adventure to spend a week or so walking around in his skin. Tell you what, that boy gets some action.

Among the observations I gleaned from that week are the following:

If you fuck women in clusters of two or three, the line will move much faster.

If you want people to fuck in the dungeon, you should fuck in the dungeon.

The best way to attract women is to announce that you suck cock.


Along the way I picked up other more nuanced lessons. Like, for example, if faced with the question of whom to fuck first—a gay porn star or a Dutch submissive—start with the gay porn star. This will draw an audience to your treatment of the Dutch submissive.

This is a good rule of thumb, though it may be rather specialized information. For now, please focus on the three main lessons above.

If you fuck women in clusters of two or three, the line will move much faster.

For a while now, I’ve known that straight boys will do almost anything to be in a room with a naked girl. This can be exploited to good advantage. In fact, by this point, I’m pretty well convinced that I could spend my days and nights exclusively tending to straight boys who would never suck cock or get fucked unless a girl was watching. Otherwise, you know, it would be gay.

As it happens, most of the women I know enjoy a good man-on-man sex show. It’s a winning combination.

I can’t tell you how many toasters I’ve accumulated with all this cherry popping.

But it’s important to recall that the reverse is also true. Not every bi-curious gal has had her curiosity slaked, and even the straight girls want to see what all the fuss is about. And obviously, it’s better if a man is present. Otherwise, you know, it would be lesbian.

I’m glad to oblige.

As for the bisexual women, heck, they just seem to love a good old-fashioned threesome in which they get it all. So while I would hate to cut back on my mainstay of male-male-female threesomes, I do see a growing place for female-female-male threesomes in my life . . . and if we toss another woman in the pile, everyone is the happier.

As for the lesbians who like to get their hands on dick now and again, well Lordy, I could write a book.

If you want people to fuck in the dungeon, you should fuck in the dungeon.

Nowadays, I’m meeting more and more people who spend their time whupping on one another. Partly, this is because I have taken a shining to administering a shining, which attracts people who like their bottoms pinks and their minds fucked. Partly, it’s because I’ve taken a shining to Lolita, who has taken a shining to making things happen for me. And partly, it’s because I’m attending Dark Odyssey events, which blend queer, swinger and BDSM communities in a shining example of what can happen when we eschew boundaries and labels.

Naturally, I wander from the orgy to the dungeon to pick up tips. I watch impressed as single tails fly, razors cut and school girls humiliate, taking notes and adding arrows to my quiver.

The cross-pollination leads some dungeonistas my way as well. “No one fucks in the dungeons,” they grouse. “I would really, really like to get some dick in me when I’m strung up, but that can’t happen at clubs and doesn’t happen often enough at private parties.”

To hear tell, there's more sex in the champagne room.

Since the eighties, intercourse in BDSM clubs has been illegal, and its depiction in porn has been curtailed, as there can be no suggestion of coercion. Naturally, these restrictions influence what people do privately. There are many people on the scene putting sex back into BDSM, as Bridgett Harrington does in her writing, workshops and porn, or as the folks at Sex and Submission do in their smut.

So as I pick up my cat o’ nine tails and swing my cane, I remember that taking up BDSM doesn’t mean I need to put away my cock. If you want fucking in the dungeon, then by God, step up and fuck in the dungeon.

The best way to attract women is to announce that you suck cock.

I pass Howard Stern on the street once a week, like clockwork. I nod. He doesn’t acknowledge me. Fair enough. He doesn’t see me. I don’t listen to him.

But if I were on his show, I can imagine what he would say. “You’re a good looking guy, Jefferson, but nothing special. Still, you get with all these hot chicks. How do you do that?”

“Easy,” I would say. “I suck dick.”

My advice to all the straight boys who idolize Howard Stern would be simple. Take your buddy to Hooters (or wherever it is that straight people go), pick the cutest girl at the bar and ask her if she would like to watch the two of you blow each other. She will say yes. She will even buy you each a beer as you talk her through it. Chances are good that she will get so turned on, she’ll want to get naked too.

Guaranteed to work. Your money back if not satisfied.

Why would a woman want to watch two men go at it? The obvious answer is—well, duh, it’s hot. The less obvious answer is that it’s different. Girl-on-girl action is pervasive in popular culture. It sells beer, music, sports, television shows, movies . . . in fact, having no interest in girl-on-girl action would be like having no interest in celebrity gossip—too bad for you, pal, because it’s ubiquitous.

Whereas boy-on-boy action is all but invisible for the average woman. For the girl at the bar at Hooters, it’s a transgressive fantasy come to life.

Even for the woman at the orgy, it’s no less invisible or transgressive. Swinger clubs and parties routinely assume that women will be bisexual—even if they are not—yet male bisexuality is restricted within that culture. Most clubs go so far as to prohibit men from sexual contact with other men.

So that, Howard Stern, is why the hot chicks your listeners want are out chasing the bisexual boys. We are their lovers and gay best friends, all rolled into one package.

Near as I can tell, straight folks best wake up and smell the sex.

Straight boys who want to know more should sign up for my upcoming class, “Impress Chicks by Sucking Dicks.”

16 comments:

jezzabel said...

...you make me want to watch boys suck cock.

hhm.

Asian Big Girl said...

You're such a great teacher, can I f*ck you? Ohhhh waiiitttttt....

We need to get you a new title, like, "Zen Sex Master" or something.

Now, if you can get my boy and Josh Rouse to get it on with me watching (and obviously participating), I may even let you watch...Fine fine. I know. I'd be kicking your ass out of the way to get to them...

Lolita said...

Brilliant!

e jerry said...

So it's like this: I must be damned lucky. One of the funner times I had was while a girl was watching me get it on with her boyfriend. And when he and I would go on a 69ing break, he'd go down on her, which she appreciated so much that I had to eat his ass out as a nice little reward, which would get her off, and then we'd have to start 69ing again.

I like cycles. I think I could play that scene so many times...

jezzabel said...

In reply to asian big girl, I agree. You need a title.

Sex Guru

and

Willy Wonka

Those are my contributions.

Viviane said...

Two weeks of parties and travelig have felled me. Cough, cough.

I take full credit for us going to DO in the first place.

I wish I'd taped your panel on bisexuality. Not only a thoughtful discussion, but those those three girlfriends who tackled you later? Yep, like a letter out of Penthouse Forum.

MK said...

just to defend all of us who dont live the free sex life that is mostly reflected on here: WOMEN LIKE MAN ON MAN ACTION.

they may deny this because of the taboo issue but they like it. i am sure that some women really dont like it, but i think alot more women than we realize love it.

they may be vanilla or not, but once i was open about it with women i know, 100% of them screamed in agreement. they were just afraid they were the only ones.

just thought i would share my experience on the subject.

MK said...

oh and yes, if you tell me suck dick you have about a 150% chance i will get naked with you and your cute friend.

Bianca said...

Unfortunately, not all girls are into the guy on guy thing.

But I am! I still haven't seen two guys go at it and I fully expect to have a mmf threesome upon my return to New York. Otherwise, I will be greatly disappointed.

Trumpet Guy said...

Ok Ok, I suck dick.....hmmmm......2...3...4...is this thing on?

Luke said...

Have you been to DC before? If you ever have the chance, I suggest going to the Holocaust Memorial Museum. It's something every person should experience.

Jocasta said...

I discovered a long time ago that watching two guys was superhot. During the Ann Arbor Film Festival movies they showed at sex week in college. They showed different combinations of couples, women with women, men with women, and ah, finally men with men. Wow! I was overwhelmed with the realization that I found two guys the most erotic combination of all.

Casey said...

I tried fucking bio-guys for a while... it wasn't awful, just didn't do it for me emotionally. The last time was eleven or twelve years ago. I don't have any particular interest in doing it again, but it is kind of fun watching guys get it on together sometimes.

Of the men I did fuck, the bi guys were a whole lot more interesting and telented than the hetero ones, no contest.

Suzanne Portnoy said...

Watching 2 guys go for it is most definately hot, especially when they're both just a little bit more straight than gay. Means more for me and when I want a break, I get to relax by watching them go at it with each other. It really doesn't get better than that.... well, not for me anyway!

la petite dévergondée said...

Only SOME men together is hot, and it depends on how i already view them...and what theyre doing.

Im a very picky gay-boy sex viewer. :)

Thank you so much my love Jefferson so yet another spot in your glamourous round-ups. so much fun to see them up there!

But hey, whose the journalist here? I went to a press screening of the movie "Fracture" tonight and one of the more fumpy looking men goes "You know, I think I know your lips from somewhere....so you model for that website Fleshbot, I think ive seen you on there."

I was batting my eyes like crazy thinking up something to say because although Im no model for the FB, my lips certainly have been plastered all over the internet numerous times.

Me loves you J, -la petite

Anonymous said...

I'm a woman. I watched two guys 69 and it did nothing for me. I mean - nothing. So, I disagree with your assertion that all women like watching cock on cock action. Sounds more like your own bi-sexuality clouding the issue.