Fleshbot and Taskmaster

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot heads south to meditate on the body. Turns out a lot of sex bloggers are using their brains to think about their skin.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find Anna and I at a loss for how to say goodbye, although our efforts went down well with chasers of vanilla. Also awkward with departures, Cody ponders the etiquette of farewells after a bukkake party.

Lily thanks her lucky stars that I introduced her to my man Mmmark.

Speaking of bodies, mine is aching in the places where it used to play.

Two weekends. Two journeys to dungeons.

Five nights. Five orgies.

That Jefferson is a tough taskmaster.

For a little over a week, being “Jefferson” was a full time job. I traveled to Baltimore one weekend for a dungeon play party—my first as a participant. The following weekend, I headed to DC to a sex conference at which I taught about sex . . . and, come to think of it, had sex with teachers.

In the intervening week, I prepared for my sessions, wrote some posts, and compiled sex blogs for Fleshbot. I managed to keep up a schedule of sex at least once or twice a day.

In between, I made money and raised children. I also fried chicken. Jefferson didn’t give me much time off, so I had to make good use of every moment.

I’m still getting accustomed to being “Jefferson” in public, and it was an adventure to spend a week or so walking around in his skin. Tell you what, that boy gets some action.

Among the observations I gleaned from that week are the following:

If you fuck women in clusters of two or three, the line will move much faster.

If you want people to fuck in the dungeon, you should fuck in the dungeon.

The best way to attract women is to announce that you suck cock.

Along the way I picked up other more nuanced lessons. Like, for example, if faced with the question of whom to fuck first—a gay porn star or a Dutch submissive—start with the gay porn star. This will draw an audience to your treatment of the Dutch submissive.

This is a good rule of thumb, though it may be rather specialized information. For now, please focus on the three main lessons above.

If you fuck women in clusters of two or three, the line will move much faster.

For a while now, I’ve known that straight boys will do almost anything to be in a room with a naked girl. This can be exploited to good advantage. In fact, by this point, I’m pretty well convinced that I could spend my days and nights exclusively tending to straight boys who would never suck cock or get fucked unless a girl was watching. Otherwise, you know, it would be gay.

As it happens, most of the women I know enjoy a good man-on-man sex show. It’s a winning combination.

I can’t tell you how many toasters I’ve accumulated with all this cherry popping.

But it’s important to recall that the reverse is also true. Not every bi-curious gal has had her curiosity slaked, and even the straight girls want to see what all the fuss is about. And obviously, it’s better if a man is present. Otherwise, you know, it would be lesbian.

I’m glad to oblige.

As for the bisexual women, heck, they just seem to love a good old-fashioned threesome in which they get it all. So while I would hate to cut back on my mainstay of male-male-female threesomes, I do see a growing place for female-female-male threesomes in my life . . . and if we toss another woman in the pile, everyone is the happier.

As for the lesbians who like to get their hands on dick now and again, well Lordy, I could write a book.

If you want people to fuck in the dungeon, you should fuck in the dungeon.

Nowadays, I’m meeting more and more people who spend their time whupping on one another. Partly, this is because I have taken a shining to administering a shining, which attracts people who like their bottoms pinks and their minds fucked. Partly, it’s because I’ve taken a shining to Lolita, who has taken a shining to making things happen for me. And partly, it’s because I’m attending Dark Odyssey events, which blend queer, swinger and BDSM communities in a shining example of what can happen when we eschew boundaries and labels.

Naturally, I wander from the orgy to the dungeon to pick up tips. I watch impressed as single tails fly, razors cut and school girls humiliate, taking notes and adding arrows to my quiver.

The cross-pollination leads some dungeonistas my way as well. “No one fucks in the dungeons,” they grouse. “I would really, really like to get some dick in me when I’m strung up, but that can’t happen at clubs and doesn’t happen often enough at private parties.”

To hear tell, there's more sex in the champagne room.

Since the eighties, intercourse in BDSM clubs has been illegal, and its depiction in porn has been curtailed, as there can be no suggestion of coercion. Naturally, these restrictions influence what people do privately. There are many people on the scene putting sex back into BDSM, as Bridgett Harrington does in her writing, workshops and porn, or as the folks at Sex and Submission do in their smut.

So as I pick up my cat o’ nine tails and swing my cane, I remember that taking up BDSM doesn’t mean I need to put away my cock. If you want fucking in the dungeon, then by God, step up and fuck in the dungeon.

The best way to attract women is to announce that you suck cock.

I pass Howard Stern on the street once a week, like clockwork. I nod. He doesn’t acknowledge me. Fair enough. He doesn’t see me. I don’t listen to him.

But if I were on his show, I can imagine what he would say. “You’re a good looking guy, Jefferson, but nothing special. Still, you get with all these hot chicks. How do you do that?”

“Easy,” I would say. “I suck dick.”

My advice to all the straight boys who idolize Howard Stern would be simple. Take your buddy to Hooters (or wherever it is that straight people go), pick the cutest girl at the bar and ask her if she would like to watch the two of you blow each other. She will say yes. She will even buy you each a beer as you talk her through it. Chances are good that she will get so turned on, she’ll want to get naked too.

Guaranteed to work. Your money back if not satisfied.

Why would a woman want to watch two men go at it? The obvious answer is—well, duh, it’s hot. The less obvious answer is that it’s different. Girl-on-girl action is pervasive in popular culture. It sells beer, music, sports, television shows, movies . . . in fact, having no interest in girl-on-girl action would be like having no interest in celebrity gossip—too bad for you, pal, because it’s ubiquitous.

Whereas boy-on-boy action is all but invisible for the average woman. For the girl at the bar at Hooters, it’s a transgressive fantasy come to life.

Even for the woman at the orgy, it’s no less invisible or transgressive. Swinger clubs and parties routinely assume that women will be bisexual—even if they are not—yet male bisexuality is restricted within that culture. Most clubs go so far as to prohibit men from sexual contact with other men.

So that, Howard Stern, is why the hot chicks your listeners want are out chasing the bisexual boys. We are their lovers and gay best friends, all rolled into one package.

Near as I can tell, straight folks best wake up and smell the sex.

Straight boys who want to know more should sign up for my upcoming class, “Impress Chicks by Sucking Dicks.”