Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Secret Lives



The current issue of Time Out New York features the “secret lives” of New Yorkers who lead double existences. Meet the lawyer who is also a go-go dancer, the doctor who is a pothead, the cabbie who is a financial analyst . . . and a certain parent who is a pervert.

I am . . . A Family Guy/Orgy Enthusiast

Check it out: I'm referenced on the cover as "an orgy-loving dad." I sure hope my ex doesn't have a dentist appointment this week.

Although it’s written as first person narrative, I didn’t actually pen the article. As you’ll read, I had my hands full at the time.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Flowers



I received flowers today. The occasion? There is none. How sweet is that?

Thank you, kind paramour.

Here, you can enjoy them with me. I did my best in photographing a floral subject, though I'm no Always Aroused Girl.

Abby Winters



Darya

Monday, March 03, 2008

Initiation

The annual sex issue of Time Out New York mentioned the Bukkake Social Club I host. Not surprisingly, I received a number of emails from people interested in meeting me or joining the club. The following caught my eye:

I read about you in Time Out and I am interested in attending the next gathering.

I'm thirty-one, bi, African American and female. Is there anything else you need? Here's a pic as confirmation that I am of age. I've never done anything like this before.

Take care,
Bijou


Attached was a snapshot of a smiling face, partially obscured by a flash reflected in a mirror. I noticed the email address Bijou had used to contact me. It included her last name and her place of employment. First name, surname, workplace, photograph—I now had all the information I needed to stalk her and possibly get her fired.

At least, that’s what a bad person might do. Fortunately for Bijou, I am not a bad person. I fuck people and I write smut. I’m a good person.

I thanked Bijou for her note and asked why the club appealed to her. Each club meeting features a female special guest of honor whom I fuck as club members watch and jerk off, ultimately dousing her in jism. Did she want to attend as a voyeur or as a guest of honor?

She was interested in watching. Her attraction to voyeurism was new and she wanted to pursue it.

To be honest, I told her, most of the club members are men. But we welcome women, and there are some female regulars. She was interested in knowing more, so we agreed to meet after work. I offered my place, but after reading my blog, she was wary of stepping into my iniquitous den sight unseen. I suggested that we meet in a park. We set a time and place. She gave me her number. I added that to all the information that she had given me, reckoning I now had enough to find her home address, her mother’s maiden name and her credit rating—but only if I knew how to use Google.

The sun was dipping below the tree line as she approached my park bench. I waved, knowing that all she had ever seen of me is my mouth, two fingers and a thumb. She smiled and waved back. I stood and reached up to kiss her cheek. I rested a hand briefly on her braided hair.

“Jefferson! I feel like I know so much about you from your blog.”

“And there you have me at a disadvantage, Bijou. I know nothing about you. Let’s go sit on the grass and fix that.”

“Oh, that’s right, I’m just someone who sent you an email, right? I bet that happens all the time.” We walked toward a knoll shaded from the setting sun.

“I like mail. So, what made you write?”

“Hmmm, I guess that’s a complicated thing,” she began. “I just haven’t had that many experiences and I think it’s time to change that. I mean, I’m over thirty and it’s like I’m still waiting to discover what sex is all about. So maybe I’ll know more if I stop waiting and do something.” She paused. “Oh, and hello!” she laughed. “I don’t know you and I’m telling you all this stuff. Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine, really. That part I’m used to. Strangers often tell me all about their sexuality. It’s like ‘howtcha do’ to me.” We found a place to sit. As we watched shirtless men play Frisbee, she began to interview me about my blog. I’m comfortable talking about that, so I answered questions about its origins, my orgies, and how I manage to stay sane with so many lovers.

“I’m envious,” she said. “I don’t think I could ever do any of that. It’s something I’d like in some ways, I think . . . though, you know, on a more human scale.” I laughed. “But it’s not like I’d do anything about it. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

“Well, you wrote to me, and that’s doing something.”

“Yeah, but please. I’m over thirty and I’ve only been with, like, three people.”

“That must’ve been some night,” I exclaimed.

“No,” she laughed. “It wasn’t all at once.”

“So how many years were with your poly foursome?”

“No, no.” Her laugh gave over to a smile. “No, I mean, I’ve only been with three people, ever. At different times.”

“Oh, now I get it.” I smiled. I watched as a long-haired fellow jumped to catch a Frisbee. He hurled it back before landing on his feet. “Well, if you had good experiences with your three lovers, that’s great. It’s not about accumulating numbers or anything. It’s about what you enjoy.”

Her eyes followed mine. A girl in a bikini jumped to catch the toss. “Yeah, I enjoyed it. I mean, they were women I liked. I just wish I had known more about how to please them.”

I turned to her. “Your three people were all women?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“That’s cool,” I nodded. “But in your note, you said you were bi. If your experience is with women, why don’t you identify as lesbian?”

She shifted, turning to me and folding her legs. “See, that’s just it. I know I’m attracted to men. I’m curious about it. But I’ve just never really had the opportunity to do anything about it. Women, though, you know, that’s easier.”

I faced her. “Okay, so at present, you’re a bi-curious lesbian-oriented bisexual virgin?”

She laughed. “I guess you could say that.”

My face grew solemn. “You must say that,” I intoned. “Labels are very, very important.” She laughed again. “I’m serious,” I went on. “If you don’t wear your sexuality as a badge, how can you know who you are?”

She grinned. “Funny. But yeah, I’m not worried about who I am.”

“In all seriousness, that’s pretty clear.” I looked back the Frisbee players. “Virgin, huh?”

She picked up a stone and tossed it. “I’m not having sex with you.”

“You’re rather presumptuous,” I chided. “Who says I’m interested?”

“What?” she pouted. “I’m not pretty enough for you?”

“Are you kidding?” I looked at her. “You’re hot. You know that, don’t you?”

“I guess. I mean, I hear that. People say it. I guess I could have sex if I wanted to, but, I don’t know, I haven’t met a guy that makes me want to. Plus, I’m just not that turned on by the thought of penetration.”

“So you’d want a guy, but not necessarily to fuck? There’s so much you can do that doesn’t include that, but it’s true, most guys won’t get that right off.”

“That’s true.” She hugged her knees to her chest. “I mean, who knows, I might find I like it more than I expect. What do I know? I wouldn’t know what to do, probably. I’ve never even seen a penis.”

“Never?”

“Nope. I mean, I’ve seen pictures and porn, but not in person.”

“Never? As it, not once? No brothers or cousins or high school romance, or . . .”

“Nope. Never.”

“Wow,” I nodded. “You’ve got so many cherries, it’s like a grove of virginities.”

“Right? That’s what I mean. I’d better get on that. So tell me more about this bukkake thing?”

I lay back on my elbows and told her a few anecdotes from past sessions. She listened intently as I described how an event usually transpired, and the times we make exceptions to the rules, as when I put on show with two women, or the time Leah decided to bring Jacob into the show.

After a while, she turned to watch the Frisbee players as I told her a story of sex she had only seen in porn. “That’s incredible,” she said. “And I can’t believe that was really you. I mean, you seem so normal.”

“Sex is pretty normal,” I shrugged.

“Yeah, but not everyone has sex for an audience.”

“True enough,” I conceded.

She nodded and we fell silent. After a moment, she pulled out her phone. “Hmmm, five forty . . . do you live near here?”

I glanced at her. “I do.”

“I have a class at seven, but I would kind of like to see your place. Can we go over there?”

“Sure, it’s close.” I stood and offered my hand. “Let’s go.”

She took my hand. “I’m not having sex with you,” she reiterated.

“That’s established,” I said. “Anyway, if you ever decided to give me your virginity, we’d need more than a quickie. I’d want that to be a good, long time.”

“Ha, that’s sweet.” We began to walk. “It’s not happening, but that’s nice of you to say.”

As we walked, I surmised correctly that this was the first time she had met anyone online. I encouraged her to be more careful in revealing her personal information, and to get a separate email account that didn’t include her name or workplace. She thanked me for the advice, adding that she really did have a lot to learn.

I unlocked the door at my place, and gestured for her to enter. She stepped in and looked around my living room. “Nice place,” she said. “Huh, you’ve got a lot of books.”

“Just props to impress girls,” I smiled. “Care for the full tour?” I showed her around, relating rooms and furnishings to stories on my blog—the bed that replaced the most recent one broken, the voyeur’s chair, the folding taco futon of death. We returned to the living room to talk.

“It’s so surreal,” she said, her eyes on a vase of flowers. “It’s just so . . . normal. You’re normal, your place is normal.” She paused and looked at me. “And you have so much sex!”

“Yeah, a regular rabbit in sheep’s clothing, that’s me.”

We continued to talk about sex. She asked me questions which I typically answered with examples and stories. Mindful of her class, I kept an eye on the clock. At six thirty, I let her know the time and suggested she may need to be on her way.

She agreed and stood to leave. I sat forward, preparing to walk her to the door. She turned and said, suddenly, “I’m not having sex with you.”

“Obviously,” I said. “There’s no time.”

“I know, but . . . look.” She sat down. “Can I please see your penis?”

I laughed. “Seriously?”

“Did that sound weird?” She laughed. “I know, of course it did. But I thought, well, I’m here, you’re here, and, well . . . I’ve never seen one. Do you mind?”

I patted her hand. “Not a problem. One cherry, gone, that easily.” I stood and posed facing her. I pulled off my t-shirt and tossed it to a chair. Her eyes fell to my torso. I placed my feet squarely under my shoulders and unbuttoned my shorts. Her eyes watched my fingers closely. I dropped my hands. “Oh, I’m not sure you really want to see this penis,” I teased.

“Oh, come on!” she laughed nervously. “Please, that’s mean.”

“Okay, okay. No more jokes. Just penis.” I unzipped my shorts. They dropped to the floor. I stepped free of them, moving slightly closer to her. I put my hands on my hips and let her get an eye full.

“God. Wow.” She sat on the edge of her seat. “Thanks, that’s just . . . wow.”

“So glad you like. May I sit down?”

“Oh, sure,” she said, her eyes never leaving my cock. I moved to the couch and sat an arm’s length from her. I leaned back to give her an unobstructed view, folding my arms behind my head. Moments passed. “Wow,” she finally exhaled. “It’s amazing that it’s just . . . there.”

“Yeah, how about that?” I said, looking down. “Naked dick is awesome.”

She leaned forward. “Do you think . . . would you mind if I touched it?”

“I wish you would,” I smiled. “I’d like that.”

She looked up at my face. “Do you have a condom?”

I laughed. “You want me to wear a condom for a handjob?”

Her face flushed. “Oh, it’s just . . . well, I don’t know you, and . . .”

I patted her hand again. “No, it’s cool. I don’t mind. I’ll be back in a second.” I went to my bedroom and returned with a condom foil. I sat again, this time a little closer to her. “Now, you may not realize this, but it’s difficult to get a condom on a flaccid penis. Do you mind if I stroke myself to get hard?”

She smiled. “Seriously? That would be hot. I can watch?”

I nodded. “Yeah, that’s hot for me, too.” I began to tug on my cock, feeling it begin to react. “Say, it would also help if we kissed . . .”

“Oh, no,” she said, pulling back. “I can only do that if I love someone.”

“This isn’t love?” I joked. “I feel so used . . .”

“Yeah, like you don’t like that,” she laughed. I smiled and returned to the task at hand. Knowing that this was her initiation in cock was enough to get me hard quickly. It was also arousing to think of the way she valued her kisses. I looked up to her soft, full lips. She didn’t notice; her gaze was entirely ensnared by my hand twisting up and down my shaft.

“Right.” I sighed quietly. “Now comes the condom. Watch carefully.” I scarcely needed to encourage her. She seemed hesitant to blink. I demonstrated how to roll on a condom, and gave myself some more long, slow strokes. “Okay,” I offered, removing my hand. “Enjoy yourself.”

“Wow. Okay.” She moved forward. “It’s just amazing. It really did get bigger.”

“Uh huh.” I returned my palms to the back of my head.

“So much bigger.” She slowly reached out, stopping just before she touched me. “Really? You don’t mind?”

“It’s my pleasure,” I smiled.

She laughed slightly, drew a breath, and touched my cock. Her fingers moved around the condom, shifting the flesh underneath. “Look, it’s like, soft. The skin is soft, even though you’re hard.”

“That’s right. And here, check this out.” I lead her finger to my cock’s center and bottom. “Feel how soft that is? Now feel either side.”

She followed my guiding fingers. “Wow, is that . . . it's not really bone, is it?”

“Nope, not bone. It’s more like a sponge that gets rigid when filled with blood. That softer part in the middle is the urethra.”

She nodded, paying more attention to her fingers than my words. I dropped my hand from hers as she continued to touch and explore. After delicately fingering me for some time, she looked at me and began to imitate my strokes. “Does this feel good?” she asked. “Like this?”

“That feels great. Let me show you something.” I took her index finger and placed if under the head. “Feel this part right here? That’s the most sensitive part and, on most men, stimulating that is going to trigger an orgasm.” I led her finger to the head. “This part? It’s very sensitive. When I’m aroused, it’s almost too sensitive. So when you stroke, focus on the bit under the head, and avoid too much attention to the head itself.” I released her finger. She returned to jerking me.

“Like this?” she asked.

“Just like that. A little less pressure . . . okay. Now that’s perfect.” I sat back and let her give her first handjob.

I sighed softly. “Are you going to cum?” she asked.

“Um, no, I’m not. The condom reduces sensation, so I’m not sure if I can cum from a handjob when I’m wearing one. Anyway, I’ve got a date tonight, so I need to hold off.”

“Oh.” She stroked me with a lighter touch. “So if you came now, you wouldn't be able to later?”

“Different with different guys. With me, yeah, it would be harder to do it again later.”

“Oh.” She watched my cock move in her hand. “That’s too bad. I’d really like to see you cum.”

“Then you’ll have to come back,” I nodded.

“Yeah, come back,” she murmured.

I gave her some more time with my cock before reminding her of her class. “Yeah . . .” she replied. She sat back suddenly. “Oh yeah, I need to go.” She quickly removed her hand, leaving my cock to flop like a metronome. She stood and looked around, as if coming out of a spell. She looked at her hand. “Hey, do you have a bathroom?”

“I do. It’s down the hall.” She hurried away. I heard the sound of running water as she washed her hands vigorously. I stood and dressed. She returned and I showed her to the door. I kissed her cheek and held out my hand. “Nice to meet you. Let’s do it again soon.”

She looked at my hand. “Soon, yeah. Um, do you mind if we don’t shake hands? I just . . .”

“Understood.” I opened the door. “Enjoy your next class.”

“Thanks.” She smiled wanly as she rushed out the door.

A few weeks later, my doorbell rang. “Holy hell,” I said. I stopped what I was doing, walked to the door and glanced through the peephole. I stood behind the door as I opened it. “You’re late,” I scolded.

“I’m sorry,” Bijou apologized. “Is it too late?”

I held up my hands. “What do you think?”

She looked down and laughed. I was nude but for the condom on my erection. “Just like I remembered you,” she giggled.

“Funny. All right, come along.” I led her down the hall to my bedroom. I entered the room just ahead of her. “Everyone, this is Bijou. Bijou, welcome to the club.”

She looked around. There were six naked men jerking off. They looked over the fully dressed woman at the door. “Uh . . . hi, everyone,” she said, waving slightly.

“Nice to meet you,” Ted replied, dropping his cock to wave back.

The woman on the bed raised her head. “Hey, how are you?” she asked.

“I’m good,” Bijou replied, staring as the first cock she had ever seen vanished into the body of a woman she had just met.

“I’m good, too,” the woman said. “Hey, we’ll talk later. I’m kind of getting fucked now. Nice to meet you, though.”

“You too . . . ,” Bijou began. Her voice trailed off as she took a seat in the voyeur’s chair, her eyes unblinking.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Training of O



Amber Rayne

Fleshbot and Lost References

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot does all the things that you’d never, ever do. Not in a million yea . . . oh, you did? Really?

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find Eden delivering some unsettling news, Jocasta hankering for a threesome that hasn’t happened—at least, not yet—and Lynsey writing poems in which I don’t kill her—at least, not yet.

With the acquisition of a new computer a few months ago, I gained the capability to burn CDs. This lead me to begin learning to use iTunes. Yes, finally—like the survivors of Flight Eight-Fifteen I’m stuck in two thousand four. (Stuck in time . . . or are they?) Madeline pushed me along by giving me Senuti, which allows me to upload music from iPods.

I’ve let my friends know that I’m building my music library and they are stopping by to plug in their tunes. (Join the fun! Come over with your iPod. You can suck my dick as I rip your music.)

Now, one thing that’s cool about having friends and lovers in a wide range of ages is that I’m exposed to all kinds of music. That’s often reciprocal; for example, Cody turned me on to Eisley, and I introduced her to Carole King. My multigenerational friendships, and the fact that I’m a parent, make me wicked wise in pop culture references. It’s not everyone who can sing along to Grand Funk Railroad, Vampire Weekend and Hannah Montana.

When it comes to age, I’m the middle child. I pedal after the big kids, but I still enjoy the sand box.

Unfortunately, this breadth of pop culture trivia doesn’t always translate with the younger people in my life. I recently saw a funny mash up of ”Gilligan’s Island” and “Lost” and suggested that my son Jason take a look. “What’s ‘Gilligan’s Island?’” he asked. I realized that my boy probably couldn’t pick Mary Tyler Moore out of a line up.

A girlfriend was showing me photos of her friends on Facebook and pointed to a picture of a girl in front of a poster. “This is Heather in front of a totally random picture of some space alien.”

I looked closer. “Honey, that’s Miles Davis.”

“Huh,” she said. “I never knew what he looked like.”

Recently, two women came over for a threesome. We were having dinner preliminary to getting naked, as you do, and two of us were trying to describe a mutual friend to the third, who hadn’t met him.

“He’s pretty buff,” I said, “And cute, in a Penny Marshall kind of way.”

They looked at me blankly. “Who’s that?” one asked.

“Penny Marshall. Laverne.” Nothing. “‘Laverne and Shirley?’ Cursive L sweaters? Directed the movie about women playing baseball?”

The other touched my hand. “You’re showing your age, Jefferson.”

I guess that’s why I was gladdened when Lynsey mentioned that she had read a Dick Cavett piece on Bobby Fisher in today’s Times. Like, dude, I know who those guys are, too! Maybe we can discuss it the next time we’re listening to Mott the Hoople or playing Mass Effect.

Still, now and then, there’s an unexpected connection. The other day I came across Jason playing a game on the new computer. I heard a sound that pinged in the remnants of my long-term memory.

“Dude,” I asked. “Are you playing Pong?”

He moved the mouse to stop a volley. “Yeah!” he cheered facetiously. “Pong is only like the bestest game, ev-errr.”

“Totally, man,” I agreed. “Meet me in the den circa nineteen seventy-eight and I’ll deliver your butt kicking.”

Jason held up a hand. We high-fived.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Barbie's Puke!



By popular demand, here it is: Drunk Barbie as interpreted by my eight-year-old daughter, Lillie, after her unauthorized reading of Tucker Max.

This is a detail of a larger drawing. I’m not sure what the story concerns, but apparently, Barbie arrives home to find that voice balloons are claiming ownership of the house. To make matters worse, Barbie is hammered—you can see the cocktail in her hand. “What have you guys done with my house?” she wails. “Oh guys, no you don’t!” That’s when it happens.

Splat.

Barbie's puke!

And it’s chunky.

Barbie's now ready for her dream date with Tucker Max.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Fleshbot and Pop Memoirs

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot draws a deep breath before plunging in with those who take risks.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find Jocasta has some fun dressing me up before showing me what’s under her dress.

Bridget offers a helping hand to my sickly self by picking up my daughter at school. There, for the first time, she encounters . . . my ex wife!

Speaking of fun, I’m having loads of it this week. The kids are on break from school. It’s too cold to go out unless absolutely necessary, so we huddle close at home, warmed by the constantly buzzing Xbox. It’s tough for me to get things done when the kids are home—I swear to God, it’s like they require feeding every five hours or so—but I am at my computer as often as I can be. A large family made me and I made a large family, so I’m good at tuning out noise when concentrating.

Yesterday, though, I was distracted by Lillie and Collie giggling. I listened and heard Lillie shout, “That’s the beauty of alcohol! If you can’t remember it, it didn’t happen!”

“Hmmm,” I thought. “That’s not appropriate.” I went to investigate.

Lillie was bouncing on my bed reading Tucker Max to her brother.

“Lillie, Lillie, Lillie,” I clucked, taking away the book. “Now, this is not something for you to read.”

“You’re reading a book about beer!” she giggled. “And alcohol!”

“I know, it’s so bad!” I agreed.

“So why are you reading it, Dad?” Collie asked.

I put the book on a high shelf. “I had heard it was funny.”

“It’s funny if it’s about beer,” Lillie laughed. “Beer is funny. Beer!

“There are those who would agree,” I nodded. “For some people, that’s all it takes.”

Near as I can tell, Tucker Max is one of those people. I’m currently reading popular recent memoirs, and so my friend Janie suggested I take a look at I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. It’s the memoir of a self-described asshole who drinks with his buddies, picks up women for casual sex and tells all in a blog. Sounds right up my alley, I thought.

I liked that the book is popular. So popular, in fact, that I bought it not at a bookstore, but at Urban Outfitters. It was stacked near clothing and furniture, all part of the décor of the well-outfitted urban dweller.

My memoir reading list also includes Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love, which I bought in an airport. I asked the cashier where to find the book, which I misremembered as titled “Eat, Pray, Live.”

“Love,” she corrected, taking the book from a large pile behind the counter.

“Oh, thanks,” I smiled. “I guess you sell a lot of these, huh?”

“Tons,” she said. “I don’t usually care what Oprah says, but she’s right about this one.” A woman standing to my side nodded vigorously.

“Oh, you’ve read it, too?” I asked.

“It changed my life,” she smiled.

These were shining endorsements. I plunked down fifteen dollars and started the book on the plane. I could quickly see why the book resonated with so many readers, especially Oprah’s viewers. Gilbert’s memoir opens with her divorce in New York State—hey, I’ve had one of those!—and her plucky decision to spend the next year in pursuit of happiness. Gosh, I did that too! However, my identification with her could end there, as she makes the decision to go about it as a celibate. (Well, to finish the comparisons, we’re both skinny blondes.)

Gilbert travels to Italy in pursuit of pleasure through food, to India in pursuit of spiritual bliss, and to Indonesia where she hopes to unify body and spirit. Now, these are not the kinds of things your real best girlfriend does, but throughout, Gilbert writes in such an endearing, ingratiating tone that you can’t help but think, over and again, “You go girl! That’s just what I would do, too!”

With that memoir still warming my girlish heart, I picked up Tucker Max. I was truly stoked to be spending time with a dude who promises, on the book jacket, that he is a real jerk whose only value is his willingness to tell us about his amazing acts of debauchery on his blog and now, his book. We’re promised raucous drinking, piss-poor behavior and misogynous sex.

Now, this may not sound like someone you’d want to have around, but if he’s as bad as he promises, this could be a lot of fun to read about.

It’s not. It’s boring.

Max tells us, over and again, that he is a funny writer with funny stories to tell. “Hilarity ensues” is his favored cliché, usually preceding a story that never gets very funny. The problem may be that he is too impressed with his outlandishness to get the joke across.

For example, in one outing, he brags to his friends that he could fuck a girl met through his blog. (Apparently, people do such things.) His friends dare him to do so, and not one to pass on a dare, Max meets up with a woman who likes his blog. The woman is pleasant, we’re told, but there’s a problem—she’s fat. Undaunted, Max has sex with her. Afterwards, he’s mean to her, throwing her clothes out a window and telling her to go find them.

Now, this is cruel, no question. Max convinces us that he’s an asshole. But the second condition—that he’s funny—doesn’t come to fruition. Because the joke is simply this: he fucked a fat girl and he was mean to her. Get it?

I don’t require comedy writers to be kind or moral, and I think good comedy can be written about anything. But there are no laughs in the posture that cruelty and boorishness are so funny in and of themselves that a writer needn’t be concerned with timing, language or any other elements of comedic storytelling. If Max wants us to hate him, I’m game. But if he wants us to laugh along, he needs to be funnier. Otherwise, he’s just another drunk asshole.

Maybe he could use a better editor. The book reads like he hit “print” on his blog. Characters are reintroduced in pretty much the same words each time, and there’s poor flow from tale to tale.

Still, as Lillie knows, some people will just find beer funny. Apparently a lot of people—Max’s book, like Gilbert’s, is a best seller. We can only imagine that like Gilbert, Max is changing lives.

Here’s a sidebar on fate. As I paid for Max’s book, Madeline looked over and asked, “Are you seriously buying that?”

“Yeah,” I said, reaching for my wallet. “It’s popular, it’s a memoir, I’m reading it. Why?”

“No reason.” She looked casually at earrings. “I’m glad I didn’t fuck him.”

I was taken aback. “You were going to fuck Tucker Max? When was this?”

“Oh, a while ago. I saw that he fucks women he meets through his blog, so I thought, hey, why not?”

“Well,” I asked. “Why didn’t you?”

“Because I found your blog, silly,” she laughed.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

HNT



Look at my pork. So much pork.

You know what I'm going to do with it? I'm going to pull it. That's right; I'm going to pull my own pork.

When I just can't pull it any more, I'm going to put that pork in my mouth. My wet, hot, hungry mouth. And baby, I'm going to swallow that pork so good for you.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Training of O



Dana De'Armond


Fleshbot and Winter Fire

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot gives ‘em what they want, but only because they know how to ask for it. Or better, to demand it.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find me in the woods with Lynsey, surviving on tits and biscuits with a side of mouse head.

Jocasta commends my fingers and shows us how to tie a cock in place.

Lily looks back on a year of living somewhat dangerously, and finds I am more fun than a box of matches.

Speaking of stalking, those of you who are really devoted to chasing me can get a running start by registering for Winter Fire, which takes place in Washington, DC March 21-23. I’ll be there along with a number of my friends. This is the city mouse cousin of the country mouse sex camp Dark Odyssey, with great classes, awesome vendors and cool perverts. And folks, if you haven’t seen a hotel conference area transformed into a dungeon, well goodness, you haven’t experienced surreal décor.

If you have any questions about attending, feel free to drop a line.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Abby Winters



Annabella

HNT



Happy Valentine's Day, from my feet to yours.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Fleshbot and Comfort Socks

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot shakes a tail feather for ass, glorious ass.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find me rocking Wendy. Bridget finds that I’m ready for my close up and realizes that love can take many different directions.

Ass and love . . . now, that reminds me of the best deal I ever made. About twenty years ago, I made an offer to my girlfriend Pablo. I suggested that we swap socks. I would give her my favorite pair, and she would give me hers. She liked this idea, and we fucked on it.

I’m afraid I came out well ahead in the trade. Pablo got a nice pair of socks, and they were indeed my favorites. But the pair I got were like no socks I had ever seen. They were long and thick and had no heel. They were each much larger than any human foot. Anyone who wore these socks would vanish into them.

This week, I have the flu that’s going around. I’m with my kids, which you might think would be hard, but actually, it’s for the best, as I’m not very good at being sick and having them around keeps me from moping. Plus, my son Jason had the bright idea of borrowing season one of Heroes from a friend and we’re hooked. I keep a lid on the kinky applications of superpowers concocted by my fevered mind, though they are nothing special, really—I mean, I can’t be the only viewer who wants to drop the lash to the indestructible cheerleader, can I?

As we watch, I curl up in bed in my official sick clothes—pajama bottoms, an oversized t-shirt and Pablo’s old socks. Pablo and I lost touch years ago; she never forgave me for marrying Lucy. Still, I think she’d be amused that all these years later, her socks still have the power to heal.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Keep It A Secret



While us dodgers live in two-thousand-three-land on Blogspot, the kids are making it happen on YouTube. Give a shout to the Bisexual Kid, out since age twelve and putting up advice for anyone who needs it.

And yet, some things don't change. Visit me in nineteen-eighty, and I'd tell you the same. One, tell your parents and come out. Two, on the funner side, don't tell your parents so you don't freak them out and you can still have sex in the basement.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

HNT



Panties!

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Fleshbot and Shhh

This week’s Sex Blog Roundup at Fleshbot crunches numbers and squishes a few folks by throwing even more flesh into the fray.

Those of you who enjoy stalking me will find me ever open to new things.

Eden looks up at me mid-sex to ask if I’ve developed something of a foot fetish. I remove her toes from my mouth and sheepishly confess it to be so.

Jocasta stops by with rope, sex toys and a timid ass in need of reassurance.

Bridget . . . well, Bridget makes Muppets sing.

Erotic romance author Celia Kyle offers a review of this blog at A Cheeky Changeling, kindly saying that yours truly “writes damned well about the damned sex. Damnit.” Thanks for that, Celia, and beware of low-flying unicorns.

February has arrived and with it comes the official close of my birthday month offer to get off forty-five people. This final week pushed us well over the finish line with the help of the good members of the Bukkake Social Club. Eliza and William dreamed of putting on a live sex show for an audience of naked men. As it happens, I know many naked men, so I called together ten to watch and stroke as our exhibitionist couple “yummed” and “yes, babied” their way through a steamy turn in my overheated bedroom. Eliza, dear Eliza, took a terrible drenching at the dénouement.

There were some participants whose birthday month requests will be realized in coming weeks. Never fear, the fun continues—we’ll just go overtime and surpass projections, that’s all.

Now, it may seem odd to say this after acknowledging that I’ve seen to the sexual pleasure of over forty-five people this month, but I’ve been enjoying some solitude lately. My city refuses to come out from under gray overcast skies, and groundhogs report more to come, but for now, that’s no special bother to me. I’m content to wear black, drop the volume and muse, allowing space for winter’s melancholy to settle while reaching for the cigarettes I don’t smoke. As long as I’m not actually smoking, might as well make them Gauloises for effect. Filterless. In black and white.

Hang on one moment while I turn off the pop radio and put on some Leonard Cohen.

Brooding doesn’t come easily to me. However, solitude does, though in my life, I must make an effort to create it. Part of that comes in knowing how to make time to be alone and passing on offers of company, but more so, for me, in taking care about the company I seek when I am not alone, and in what I choose to do with others. Plenty of people require much from me as a lover, listener or actor in their personal dramas. Normally, this suits me—I would like to assert my abiding aversion to interpersonal drama, but it shows up enough for me to accept that I allow more than I believe I want. It’s as if my stomach constantly complains of lactose intolerance as my hands shovel in spoonfuls of ice cream. If drama truly made me sick, I’d be less indulgent of it. But I want to be someone who can sort through conflicts and make sense of them, to resolve them. And in order to do that, I must allow conflict to be presented.

Still, at times like these, I need to show the drama queens to the door. They can come back. I’m not changing the locks. But I do need to listen to my own voice for a time, and my own voice can be rather quiet by contrast to those around me.

This attitude plays out in curious allowances and changes. For example, I am more selective about what I will permit as concerns. My ears are willed to close on certain cues. Ask me now, and I can tell you that I know nothing at all about Tom Brady’s ankles, and I won’t check to be sure I correctly spell “Hukabee.” I know that these things won’t matter in a few days or weeks, and so I won’t be bothered by the shrill anxiety around them. Ephemera wash away. Likewise, I parse carefully on personal matters, asking more frequently, “Is this really a concern for me right now? And if so, do I really need to address it on anyone else’s timetable?” I recognize that taking on someone else’s priorities comes at the expense of time for my own, and for now, I’m a tad selfish of my resources.