Kinky Is Not A Diagnosis

This month, the American Psychiatric Association released proposed changes to the forthcoming updated edition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The standard by which mental disorders are diagnosed, the DSM has a controversial history concerning sexuality; for example, previous editions defined homosexuality as a mental disorder until gay activists successfully fought to have the designation removed.

The revised edition contains new language redefining “paraphilias,” a catch-all term for sexual arousal to objects or situations considered outside normative behavior. As detailed below, the revised language no longer considers an interest in BDSM as necessarily symptomatic of a mental disorder. If this revision is adopted in the new edition, it will have an enormous impact on the lives of people involved in alternative sexualities.

Take, for example, yours truly. When my ex wife discovered my blog and sued for custody of our children, her claims rested on the assertion that our children were in immediate danger due to my sexuality. My sexuality, as described in this blog, was the sole basis of her suit. Given the current language of the DSM, the court conceded to my ex wife’s request that I submit to a psychiatric evaluation. (For the record, it turns out I’m not crazy.) With the revised changes, my ex wife would no longer be able to harass me with claims such as these.

This is salutary news. It’s a good day to be kinky.

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom—which was incredibly helpful in my own custody case—has issued the following statement about its role in the revisions and their potential impact:

The APA Paraphilias Subworkgroup Agrees: Kinky is NOT a Diagnosis

In the new proposals for the DSM-V, alternative sexual behavior has been depathologized. The American Psychiatric Association's Paraphilias Subworkgroup's DSM revisions acknowledge that you can be a fetishist, transvestite, sexual sadist or sexual masochist without having a mental disorder.

NCSF has worked very hard with its DSM Revision Project to make sure these changes take place, and will continue to strongly advocate for clear language of what exactly constitutes a mental disorder. Susan Wright liaisoned with the work group and supplied data that NCSF has gathered about the real-world discrimination and persecution that takes place against BDSM-fetish practitioners because of the DSM-IV-TR. The DSM Revision Petition was also extremely useful in generating comment from community members and mental health professionals urging that the current diagnoses be changed.

Go here to see the proposed changes.

Read the "Rationale" section under each diagnosis to see their thinking on the paraphilias. The work group makes it clear that "non-normative" sexual behavior is practiced by healthy people:

"The first broad change follows from our consensus that paraphilias are not ipso facto psychiatric disorders. We are proposing that the DSM-V make a distinction between paraphilias and paraphilic disorders. A paraphilia by itself would not automatically justify or require psychiatric intervention. A paraphilic disorder is a paraphilia that causes distress or impairment to the individual or harm to others. One would ascertain a paraphilia (according to the nature of the urges, fantasies, or behaviors) but diagnose a paraphilic disorder (on the basis of distress and impairment). In this conception, having a paraphilia would be a necessary but not a sufficient condition for having a paraphilic disorder."

"These revisions will affect everything-child custody, job discrimination battles, and even help change the way society views us," says Leigha Fleming, Chairperson and Director of Incident Response. "I think of all the people over the years who have had the DSM used as a tool of discrimination and punishment, and I'm proud of NCSF for continuing the fight to change it. This is the first step towards decriminalization of BDSM, which NCSF is pursuing with our Consent Counts project."

The Paraphilias Subworkgroup is now reconsidering what constitutes "clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning" when determining a mental disorder. The DSM must make it clear that people do suffer distress and impairment because of the societal stigma against alternative sex, but that doesn't mean they are suffering distress that is generated internally.

As part of the development process, the preliminary draft revisions to the current diagnostic criteria for psychiatric diagnoses are now available for public review and comment until April. Personal comments about discrimination and persecution are welcome additions to this commentary to continue to urge the work group to differentiate between sexual minorities and sex offenders.

Just as Norway recently joined Sweden and Denmark in removing consensual paraphilias entirely, NCSF continues to urge the complete removal of these paraphilias from the DSM. However like the incremental removal of homosexuality (to egodystonic homosexuality and then finally taken out in nineteen eighty-seven) this is an important step for the BDSM-leather-fetish community.

NCSF needs your support to continue important projects like the DSM Revision Project that directly impact peoples' lives. Please join NCSF to show solidarity! We do so much for very little money, and we need your help.

Please donate to NCSF now!

Barbara Nitke

I’ve long been an admirer of the photography of Barbara Nitke, both for its artistry and for its message of emphasizing the humanity of people in alternative sex communities. I was also struck by her bravery in defending free speech in challenging the constitutionality of the Federal Communications Decency Act of nineteen ninety-six, which regulates indecency and obscenity online. This was a fight closely watched by those in the arts and by those of us who publish online.

Barbara is an inspiration to those who care about freedom of expression, no matter the artist’s chosen media. She is kind enough to offer her support to my current battle.

To whom it may concern,

I am a professional photographer on the faculty of the School of Visual Arts in New York. My work has been the subject of one-woman exhibitions in New York, New Orleans, Baltimore, Provincetown and Philadelphia. My subjects include fashion, editorial and portraiture. Since nineteen eighty-two, I have also documented human sexuality.

I have known the man behind Jefferson for nearly a decade, first in a professional capacity and now as a friend. I’ve always been impressed by his intellectual curiosity and the respect and care he brings to sensitive subject matter.

These qualities continue to impress me as I’ve come to know his work as “Jefferson.” I’ve read his blog, attended his classes and observed his interactions with others. He brings great intelligence, humor and warmth to all of these. His blog is regarded as essential reading by those in the sex-positive community. Whereas other texts seek to teach by instruction, One Life, Take Two does so by example. Readers learn as “Jefferson” learns. We follow him through his passions, his upsets and his joy in the everyday, particularly in his stories about parenting. As a fellow artist, I fully respect the power of his documentary approach.

If anyone has exemplified responsibility in writing on sex and sexuality, it is Jefferson. I strongly support his right to continue writing freely.

I know the struggles Jefferson now faces. I was co-plaintiff in Nitke v Gonzalez, 413 F. Supp.2d 262 SDNY (2005), as we brought a pre-enforcement challenge to the Federal Communications Decency Act (CDA) on the ground that it was unconstitutionally overbroad. While I succeeded in proving that I had standing to bring that pre-enforcement challenge, unfortunately, the court held us to an impossible burden of providing "sufficient" evidence regarding "the total amount of speech that is implicated by the CDA and the amount of protected speech lacking in serious value, but potentially not patently offensive or appealing to the prurient interest in all communities."

While we did not completely succeed in that case, the struggle to protect free speech and freedom of expression continues. I am heartened that many of the organizations and activists allied with me in that case are now rallying around Jefferson to support him in his current battle to preserve both his joint child custody and his freedom of speech and expression protections. Any silencing of Jefferson is a loss for art, free speech and the personal freedoms we cherish so much here in the United States of America.

Sincerely,

Barbara Nitke

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund
Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Reid Mihalko

As the custody case progresses, we arrive at the intersections of free speech and family law. My ex’s case against me is based entirely on this blog, which raises questions about the blog’s continued publication. My attorney and I have been collecting letters from writers, publishers and others who can attest to the blog’s social and literary merit.

My friend Reid Mihalko offered to contribute a letter. You’ve heard of Reid—he’s the guy who started the Cuddle Party—and you may or may not know that he is the World’s Handsomest Man. (Seriously, I was there when a weeping George Clooney handed over the baton.)

With Reid’s permission, I’m posting his letter here. He movingly demonstrates the value of opening our lives truthfully, as I’ve tried to do in this blog about my life as a parent and pervert.

Testify, brother Reid.

Dear To Whom It May Concern,

I am a sex and relationship educator who has known Jefferson for two-and-half years. Jefferson and I met at a sex-positive event as peers. We were both presenters over a week-long educational as well as recreational event in Maryland. There, I had plenty of opportunity to watch the man behind "Jefferson" as he taught workshops and socialized with peers and non-peers. Getting to know the man behind "Jefferson" has been a rewarding experience for me from the get-go, and Jefferson's positive and caring approach towards people and towards relationships, including those with his four children, have been evident since the beginning.

What I have most admired about Jefferson's writing and teaching as "Jefferson" is that he has the courage to lead by example, something I find too little of happening in our day and age. By sharing his stories about sexuality and not hiding that he is also a caring parent of four, he provides a role model for parents who balance care for their families with care for themselves. Taking care of their own emotional health is vital if parents are to offer their best to their children. Because of our culture's history, too many parents have been lead to believe that they must sacrifice their sexual selves in order to be good parents. Not only is this not true, it can create a dangerous loop of diminishing returns.

Jefferson's writing, while shocking to some readers precisely because it places sexual expression side-by-side with caring parenting, models balance and self-care. The balance in One Life, Take Two is shown thru Jefferson's juxtaposition of erotic writing with the day-to-day stories about being a single father. These may not be the exact balances other parents are seeking - maybe another parent needs to be a successful artist and a good parent, but culture cautions them that they must have a successful corporate career to be a good provider—but Jefferson is modeling balance none the less.

Jefferson's writing on parenting helps his readers to understand that he is simply human, like them, and trying to do his best in all his relationships. Jefferson's writing on his sex life helps his readers see that sex doesn't have to be dirty and shameful. Jefferson's sex writings are made more important because he shares with his readers his parent's journey in the same blog. By having both "lives" presented together, Jefferson models for others to see that you can be a fully alive sexual and sensual being and also be a caring parent and responsible adult. These things are not mutually exclusive though our culture sometimes leads us to believe so.

I've been personally moved by Jefferson's writing about his family. I've met and work with in my sex and relationship education work many divorced parents who recreate the mistakes my own parents made. By refusing to communicate effectively, many parents jeopardize not just their relationship, but also their abilities as parents. Children are attuned to the hostilities between their parents. I can tell you, from my own life experience, that this affects children well into adulthood. I admire Jefferson's honesty in documenting his divorce, his difficulties with his ex wife and his deep love for his children. These struggles are not uncommon in many people's relationships, and to have anyone writing openly and honestly about such things only helps others know that they are not alone and that they can share openly and responsibly, too.

Keeping things "hidden" heals no one, especially when communication is the key to healing.

Jefferson's ex wife is not alone in being confused or even angry about the sexuality of her former spouse. Relationships are a lot of work even when they're meant to stay together. Being parents adds another layer of deep work, emotional presence and commitment. The graceful transitioning of a relationship from marriage thru divorce and into healthy co-parenting and the living and celebration of love and sex and new relationships are things nearly none of us learned from watching our parents or get to see role modeled in the media and world around us. When someone's sexuality is unfamiliar to another, it can be even more difficult to process the deluge of complex emotions and learning curves. Luckily, there are many support groups, publications and therapists available to help people come to terms with these issues. I am happy to provide some guidance on resources if it helps to bring peace to this family.

Thank you for allowing me to contribute my thoughts and feeling to something I feel passionately about.

Sincerely,

Reid Mihalko

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund
Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.

Psychiatric Evaluation

Not long after I announced that my ex had discovered my blog and made an emergency application to the court seeking sole custody of our children, I was contacted by numerous parents who had been though similar court challenges of their custody based upon their particular sexual lifestyles.

A father wrote to share his sympathies, offering to do anything he could to help. He told me his ex had won custody of their children on the basis of his involvement with BDSM. I was contacted by another parent, a woman who had retained custody of her children despite her ex's efforts to prove her unfit because she is transgendered. I heard from many other parents whose suitability as custodial parents was called into question based on their sexuality or lifestyle. Some had lost custody, some had won custody, but all knew how harrowing the court process is —not only for the parents, but for the children as well.

Those of us who choose to blog our lives do so at some risk, particularly those of us with readers who may seek to use our words against us. As it happens, parents like myself who do so enter into a gray area in the rights to free speech. In child custody cases, the basic standard is the best interests of the child. The definition of "best interests" may differ according to each specific child in each specific situation. First Amendment concerns in relationship to child custody issues remains largely undefined and untested. It is uncertain how a court will decide when faced with an author, such as myself, who blogs and has also been published in respected and “legitimate” publications over the years. Free speech is a real concern in this case: will the court decide that I am no longer allowed to write about the coexistence of my life as a joint custodial parent and as a sexually active adult?

Each of these child custody/sexual lifestyle cases truly matters to our community. As Anita Wagner, polyamory skills educator and advocate, recently wrote to me, "Child custody is by far the greatest legal challenge to people who are engaged in alternative forms of sexuality. As polyamorous parents go, fortunately we are seeing more and more interest from researchers, and we hope that before too long there will be enough scientific verification to support poly parents. Valerie White is a big part of that effort, and I was glad to see that she is supporting your cause."

I'm deeply appreciative of the support of Valerie White, Executive Director of the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund, for her advice and encouragement, and for her creation of a legal defense fund to assist in this case. I'm also profoundly grateful for the assistance offered by Lambda Legal and by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. These organizations are on the frontlines for our community. If you are unfamiliar with their work, please visit their websites and search the web for examples of the very real impact they have made in the lives of individuals and families.

As for my custody case, it continues apace. The next step is expected to be a psychiatric evaluation of each parent. In my case, this may be ordered to determine if my involvement in BDSM and polyamory is due to some type of psychopathology.

Many of you may gnash your teeth to read this. You know that study after study has shown that people involved in safe, sane and consensual BDSM and polyamory are no more likely than anyone else to suffer from mental illness. And yet the popular perception remains that submissive types are masochists reenacting child abuse or are victims of abuse at the hands of their dominant partner. Similarly, there is the lingering perception that the dominant type is in truth a sadistic abuser. And so it goes, on and on, until the end of pop psychology.

While the activist in me wants to shout out that these are unfair characterizations and wrong-minded assumptions, the parent in me is glad that courts, in these cases, are careful to protect the best interests of the children involved. Of course I'll submit to psychiatric evaluation if it is ordered by the court, confident that my engagements with BDSM and polyamory are not born of pathology.

This evaluation will add even more costs to my legal case, as the court will order that that I pay the fee of the psychiatrist. When this case began, I was told that I should expect to spend approximately twenty thousand dollars, due to the way the case was filed by emergency order to show cause, and that it was best to have the money on hand immediately. (As it happens, that estimate is proving to have been entirely accurate. To put it in perspective, that amount of money might have bought a new car or contributed to a freshman year at Harvard—and this is in addition to the tens of thousands spent by my ex in bringing this motion.) Fortunately, I've been able to pay legal and other fees in phases. The next phase will be to finish paying the law guardian and the psychiatrist as well as any further fees of my own lawyer.

Thanks to all of you who have contributed, and are now contributing, to my legal defense fund.

Make an ANONYMOUS, TAX-DEDUCTIBLE contribution to Jefferson’s legal defense by visiting the Sexual Freedom Defense and Education Fund at:

Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund

Please remember to specify that your donation is earmarked for the Jefferson Legal Defense Fund. The Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund affirms that these earmarked donations are tax deductible.